Words I Never Said~Tod Belle

Words I Never Said


I heard a knock at my door, and I looked over at the clock on my bed. 12:47. I moaned and pulled the quilt over my head. The door creaked open and my mom sat down on the bed.
“Tod, are you okay?” She asked. “You haven’t been out of bed all morning.” She paused. “Do you want me to make you some breakfast.”
“I’m not hungry.” I mumbled. She put her hand on my shoulder and started rubbing my back. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.
“Well,” She said, patting me on the shoulder. “Let me know if you need anything.” She got off the bed and walked out the door, closing it behind her.
For about an hour, I just laid on my bed, trying away the memories. Ping-pong, Shine, Sunday-school, ATF. The silence in my room was closing in on me, and I knew what was coming.
I leaned over and got sick into the trash can beside my bed. When I finished, I sat up in the bed and wiped my mouth with a tissue. I reached over on my bedside table and grabbed a mint. I popped it in my mouth to get rid of the bitter taste that was now burning my throat.
I got off of my bed and went to the bathroom. I rinsed out the trash can and brushed my teeth. I decided that maybe if I ate something, the sick feeling that lingered in my stomach, would subside. My mother would certainly be glad to see me eating something. My thoughts were interrupted when Niki stopped at the bathroom door and saw me.
“Why are you rinsing out your trashcan?” She glanced down, and saw my toothbrush, out of it’s case, on the counter. “Did you get sick again?” Her voice told me that she knew why I was sick.
‘It’s nothing.” I lied, discovering at that moment that I was a horrible liar. As per my assumption, she saw right through me.
“It is not nothing. Tod, you need to eat something. You’re gonna starve yourself to d-” She stopped.
“Go ahead. Say it. Say that I haven’t eaten anything for a week. Say that if I don’t eat something, I’ll die. Say that if I don’t get over her, I’ll end up dead…just like M-…her. Just like her.” The sick feeling in my stomach worsened, but I kept control. “I can’t do it. I can’t just let her go. Why couldn’t I have just told her?’ I yelled, more to myself than Niki. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. The tears in my eyes refused to listen to my head. I hurriedly wiped my cheek on the sleeve of my shirt. Niki stepped closer to me.
“Tod…” I pushed her away. I ran through the bathroom door and down the stairs. I didn’t know where I was going or why. I just ran. I kept running, past the stalls, and down the street. I ducked into a path I the woods and kept running. I dropped to my knees in the middle of a clearing.
“Milly Callum, wherever you are, I need you to know something. Ever since I met you, you’ve been more than a friend to me. A sister, but even more than that…I loved you, Milly…and I still do. I should’ve told you when I had the chance….and now you’re gone…forever. But I need you to know this…no matter where I go or who I meet. I’ll always love you.” Suddenly, my whisper of a prayer turned into more of a yell. “I LOVE YOU, MILLY CALLUM!!!” I fell to the ground and cried. She couldn’t be gone…not yet. What if she didn’t hear me? What if she never knew? What if she never knew how much I loved her. For an hour, I just laid there in the middle of the woods. No one came to look for me, not that I wanted to be found. I was guessing Niki hadn’t mentioned my little meltdown to mom, or there would’ve been police choppers circling our house by now. There was only one person I could talk to right now, and she was gone…for good.
“Why did you take her?!?!” I found myself yelling at God. The God I used to trust. The God I used to take all my problems to. But I now refused to trust him, refused to answer to him as my protector. Milly had always had such a sure faith. She was sure to be in heaven right now. But she shouldn’t be there. I though angrily. She should be here. This is where she belongs.
Suddenly, I had an idea. I looked over at the tree to my right. It was a wide oak with a large knot near the bottom of the trunk. It was perfect. Just the right size for what I needed. I wondered if my dad would let me use his tools to make it. No I thought. I want to make this special. I’ll do it all by hand. With that last thought, I ran back to my house and up to my room to find I piece of clean notebook paper.
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When I ran into my house, Niki was waiting at the kitchen table. There was a plate on the table, but I couldn’t tell what was on it.
“I made you a sandwich.” She said, offering me the plate. I was able to see the sandwich clearly now. It was grilled cheese.
“Thanks.” I said, smiling and taking the plate from her. I sat down across from her at the table.
“What’s up with you?” She asked suspiciously. Her curiosity didn’t cover the fact that she was excited I had finally decided to eat something.
“I have an idea.” I said, matter of factly, biting into the grilled cheese. I realized just how hungry I had been the whole week.
“What kind of idea?” She asked. I was on the second half of my sandwich now. I had decided about two bites into it that the only way to eat a sandwich when you’re hungry is fast.
“You’ll see.” She smiled, although I’m not sure why. I figured I had cheese on my face or something. I set the empty paper plate on the table.
“You still hungry?” She asked knowingly.
“Yeah…” I said quietly. She laughed.
“You want me to make you another sandwich, while you go work on your idea?” She said the word “idea” like it was a bad thing.
“Would you?” I asked. I really wanted to get up to work on my project, but if she offered to make it, then…
“Sure.” She said. I smiled, thanked her, and ran up the stairs. When I got to my room, I dug through my drawers until I found my brand new school notebook. I grabbed my favorite pen off my desk and sat down. I opened the notebook to the first page and started to write.