For Someone You Love~Tod Belle

For Someone You Love

I leaned down over my notebook, finally satisfied with my project. I had finally gotten it perfect. I read and reread it, looking for any mistakes I could’ve made. I laid the paper on my desk quickly when I heard knock at the door. I looked up, and then back at the paper.
“Come in.” I said, slipping the paper into my drawer. Niki came in carrying another paper plate with a grilled cheese sandwich on it. “Thanks.” I said, taking the plate from her, and placing it on my desk.
“So how’s your project coming?” She asked, leaning over my chair.
“Perfect.” I paused. “Niki, do you know where I could get a carving knife?” She gasped.
“Tod, you’re not thinking of doing what I think you are, are you?” I looked at her face, and laughed. Sometimes my sister was such a knucklehead.
“No, Niki, I can guarantee you that I am not going to do what you’re thinking I’m going to.” She looked at me with that ‘big sister’ look.
“Yeah, well, you better not. So what do you need the carving knife for then?” She asked, suspicious.
“To carve something. Gosh, Niki, you’d think that would be obvious.” She laughed and knocked my hat off. I bent down to pick it up, hitting my head on my dresser in the process. “Ah. Jeez, that hurt.” I pressed my hand to my forehead, trying to ease the throbbing.
“You are such a guy.” She said, laughing. “So, am I allowed to see this project of yours?” She peeked over my shoulder.
“Maybe.” I said. I didn’t want her to read it right now. It was too girly. “Not yet.” I corrected myself. “Now, do you know where I can get a carving knife?” I asked again.
“Maybe dad has one, I don’t know. What do you need it for anyway?” She asked.
“You’ll see.” I said. “But for now, I have to go ask dad if he has one. Then I can get started.” I got up out of chair grabbing the sandwich of my desk. I walked past her and out the door. I stopped at the bottom of he stairs. I didn’t need the knife. Not yet. I grabbed a pencil off the kitchen table and started walking back to the clearing. As I passed the stables, I saw Niki’s horse galloping across the pasture. She was a white horse, and it reminded me of the ring I’d given Milly for her birthday. I smiled at the thought.
After opening it, she had given me an enormous hug. It had been one of the few times I had not pretended to be disgusted by this girlish act. I always liked Milly’s hugs. I stopped. I was suddenly filled with regret. Regret that I had not hugged her back every single time. Regret that I had never had her in the first place. Regret that I had never told her I loved her. Regret that I had ever let her go. But this was one thing was one thing I would never regret. This was something I had to do. For Milly.

Somewhere in Between~Ali Cummings

Somewhere in between


I walked out of the garage, my mission still incomplete. Johnny had been there the whole time and I had yet to talk to him. I found out when I got there that it was actually a costume party, but I figured I wouldn’t have dressed up if I’d known anyway. I had tried to slide into some of the conversations without being noticed, but to no avail. I wished I was back at my own church with Niki and everyone else. But I didn’t give up. If there was one thing I needed to do, this was it.
I walked over to Johnny, determined to talk to him. I sat down on the hay bale next to him. I took a deep breath, and started.
“Hey, Johnny.” He looked at me with a stare that made my mouth go dry.
“Ali.” He said with a tone that said, clear as day, that he had no intrest in talking to me.
“I just wanted to ask you something.” I paused, waiting to see if he would respond. When he said nothing, I continued. “Did you talk to Milly any before…” My voice caught in my throat. I was overwhelmed by the fact that she shouldn’t be gone. I swallowed the lump in my throat, and looked back at him.
“No.” He said, his back to me. He stood up without another word and made his way toward the garage. He never stopped to look back. Pastor Frank’s wife was walking toward me.
“Are you ready to go?” She asked sweetly, naively.
“Sure.” I said. As I’ll ever be. I thought. We walked to the car where Pastor Frank was already waiting. I climbed in the back and situated my purse beside me.
“Did you have a good time?” He asked. I didn’t want to answer the questions that would follow an honest reply.
“It was interesting.” I said, quoting one of the books I was reading. Not quite a lie. Not the whole truth. Somewhere in between.
“Oh, that’s good.” He replied. We drove for a couple minutes in silence. I reached to get my notebook just a moment before he spoke again. “Ali, I was just wondering…how did your mom get in the wheelchair?” I drew my hand back instantly. I had been had been anticipating questions like these, but they none the less caught me off guard.
“Um…she had a brain tumor..” I went into as little detail as possible, hoping he would ask nothing more about it. I could not blame him for being curious, but prying was a whole different subject.
“How long ago was that?” He asked. This part, I had no trouble sharing.
“I was six when it happened.” I decided against pulling out my notebook, knowing I would get nothing written anyway.
“Do you have any siblings?” He asked. I breathed a sigh of relief with the change of subject.
“I have two brothers.” I said. And two sisters. I thought. Had two sisters. I corrected myself, remembering how Milly and Niki had always been there for me. But Milly’s gone. I remided myself. Just let her go. I though angrily. She’s not coming back.
I looked out the window, regretting that I had not done so earlier. I had missed a perfectly good sunset. But now I was grateful for another thing. The stars. I suddenly understood the phrase Milly would say every time we parted. Until then, may the stars shine upon your face, dear sister. The stars seemed to be shining brighter today than they had in a while, and I realized that I would see her again. She was not gone. She was simply away for a while. And she was still my sister, no matter the distance. An old poem came to mind, and I whispered it quietly to the stars, a sure faith that she would hear me.

A part of you has grown in me
And so you see,
It’s you and me
Together forever and never apart
Maybe in distance
But never in heart

I blinked away the tears that clung to my eyelashes. My familiar yard came into view through the window, and I pulled my purse strap up and over my shoulder. When the car stopped, I opened the door and stood up, the strap cutting into my shoulder as I did so. “Thank you so much for the ride.” I said, turning to walk up the ramp to my house. I watched them pull out of the driveway as I dug in my pocket for my key. I grasped the shiny metal object, warm on my hands. I pushed the key into the knob and turned. My hand froze, and I took one last look at the sky, the stars almost invisible. You’re there. I thought. I just have to look.
I turned the knob and stepped into the house, shutting the door behind me.

No Response~Cassy Callum

No Response


I knocked eagerly on Lisa’s door. “What is it?” She asked. Her voice sounded hoarse.
“Can you come play outside with me?” I hesitated at first, not wanting to upset her. She opened the door. I could now clearly see her cheeks, red and raw.
“I’m busy.” She said, not harshly, but not as tender as she might have.
“Are you playing piano? Can I listen?” I asked. I didn’t need to play outside to talk to her. I just needed to talk to her.
“I’d rather do this alone, Cassy.” She said, erasing any chance of my talking to her. How could I talk to her if she always wanted to be alone? I found early in life that it is very hard to have a conversation with only oneself.
“You always want to be alone.” I mumbled as I walked away. How did she continue doing it, day after day. She could cry by herself, but that was about it. How could she possibly be moving on without talking to a single person. I myself did not understand this. I was alone all the time, thanks to my older sister’s new fascination with solitude. I walked out the door, at first leaving it open. After realizing no one was coming out behind me, as was normal, I quickly shut it behind me, as if the door itself would stop all memory of the person that would, on any other day, have walked through that door.
I walked down the tall stone steps, holding onto the railing, fearing my balance not to be as good as was typical. The warm summer sun burned my cheeks and caused me to squint as I walked to the edge of the woods. I pushed away the bamboo stalks that hid the entrance to our tunnel. As I looked thought the tall stalks, it seemed as though nothing had changed. I looked behind me to make sure no one was watching as I stepped carefully into the tunnel. The dirt on the floor of the tunnel had been pressed down from the many times we had walked it. Milly, Lisa, and I were the only ones who had ever walked down the tunnel. We always called it our safe haven. It was the place we went to when mom and dad were arguing. I walked down the tunnel, stepping over fallen logs, until I came to our ‘room’, as we had called it. A fallen tree made a perfect bench, and the leaves formed a dome shaped canopy just a few inches above Lisa’s head.
Without Milly, our ‘safe haven’ was becoming more and more scary. I had nowhere to go where I could just heal. No one that I could talk to just to talk. I sat down on the fallen log. Before I knew it, I was one my knees, head bowed, hands folded.
Dear God, please help me remember all the good things, and forget all the bad things. I want to remember her. I didn’t want to cry, but something in me told me that I needed to. I don’t know what to do, but I know I won’t be able to do it alone. And I know she’s up there with you now, but can you just tell her that I miss her… I paused. I gasped and realized I’d been holding my breath. And that I love her. Another tear fell on to my tightly clasped hands. Please. My hands were shaking, now. Please.
A sudden noise in the woods made me jump to my feet, surprising myself with my own agility. I looked up to see Lisa walking toward me. I didn’t know yet whether she’d seen me crying or not. I wiped my eyes hurriedly on the back of my hand, and looked up. She brushed a willow branch out of the way.
“Cassy?” She looked at me questioningly. “Are you okay?” She asked. She looked guilty. I sniffed and wiped my eyes again.
“I’m fine. I thought you were busy.” I said. I immediately felt sorry for the accusation in my voice. “Did you finish?” I asked, slightly less harshly.
“Yeah.” She paused and looked down at her feet. “I did.” I looked at her hands. If I didn’t say something soon, she was going to rip her fingers off.
“I’m sorry I bothered you earlier. I didn’t know you wer-” She cut me off.
“No.” She looked down and swallowed. “No, you didn’t.” She looked at the leaves almost touching her head. “I wasn’t that busy.”
The awkward silence that followed was unlike anything I’d ever experienced, even with Mom and Dad after they were separated. Everyone thought I couldn’t handle the divorce, so they didn’t say anything while I was there…but I knew all to well. Dad left mom because he didn’t care about her, and he didn’t care about us. He didn’t care who he hurt. He didn’t care about anyone but himself.
I walked past Lisa, leaving her standing by herself. “I have schoolwork.” I mumbled. She grabbed my arm. I pulled away, but her grip was strong. I looked up to tell her to let go, but when I saw her face, I stopped pulling away. She looked like she was in a trance, but there were tears streaming down her face. She did not look at me.
“What were you doing when I came?” She asked quietly. I swallowed, wondering whether I should tell her the truth. I understood now why she valued her time alone.
“I was praying about Milly.” I answered. She turned and looked at me like I had just cursed.
“About…Milly?” Her features jerked as though the words caused her pain.
“Yes.” I said, suddenly feeling guilty. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you where I was going.” She shook her head firmly. She continued her questions, disregarding my apology.
“Was this the first time you’ve come out here?” She asked, her tears falling onto her brown jacket. I tried to answer, but the lump in my throat made it too difficult, and finally I just nodded.
“It’s not the same anymore.” She said. One sob escaped her lips and her shoulders shook. She covered her hand with her mouth and shook her head. Her hand pressed tighter on my shoulder, almost to the point of pain. Her arm stayed strait, preventing me from moving any closer or any farther away.
I had never seen Lisa cry. Not that I could remember. She looked so helpless. She looked so broken. It reminded me of when the police had pulled Milly’s body out of the passengers side window, broken and bloodied. Her clothes had been caked with blood and her head hung limp from the mans arms. If Lisa had not been holding me back I would’ve run to her, tried to help her. It wasn’t until later I would know that it was no use. I couldn’t have helped her even if I had tried.
She was shaking now, but not because she was crying. I felt her grip on my shoulder tighten and she collapsed onto the forest floor.
“Lisa!!!” I screamed, my throat suddenly dry. I shook her, and fear struck me like a bullet. She wasn’t moving. “Lisa, please!”
Nothing.

Unfamiliar~Ali Cummings

Unfamiliar


The day after my prayer session with Niki, I was laying in my bed typing on my laptop. I had a habit of typing all of my prayers into my computer. So far my entry sounded very plain, but I continued writing.
The phone ringing made me jump. I looked over and picked it up off my desk. I put the phone to my ear, wondering who would be calling at this time on a Saturday.
“Hello?” I asked. An unfamiliar voice came on the other line.
“Hi, This is Pastor Frank. I think you met me when you visited a couple Sundays ago.” I remembered the Sunday I had gone to visit Milly’s new church. I nodded, then, remembering that I couldn’t see me, I quickly answered that I had.
“Well that’s good. Anyway, I was calling to see if you wanted to go to party that the youth group is having tonight. If it’s okay with your parents, but you don’t have a ride, I can swing by and pick you up, if you’d like.” He finished. I thought about this offer. I felt like it might be a good thing. Many of the people there would’ve known Milly.
“Yeah. I’d like that.” I answered. “Just let me ask my parents.” I quickly put the phone down and ran into the living room. “Mom, can I go to a church party tonight?”
“Sure.” She said, not even looking up. Sometimes I loved that about my mom. Other times it just felt like she didn’t care. Today it was a blessed relief, as she still hadn’t asked about my afternoon with Niki. Now that her mind was occupied with something else, that subject was far less likely to come up in one of our few conversations.
“Thanks.” I said hurriedly, running back to my room. I picked up the phone off my pillow and put it to my ear. “My mom said that I could go, but I do need a ride.” I said. Almost before I had finished the sentence, he started talking. He sounded a little bit like a five year old that had just had brownies. I giggled at the thought of the old, gray-haired man jumping around like a sugar-pumped toddler.
“Oh great. That’s great. We’re so happy you’re gonna be there. I’ll swing by and give you a ride. I just need to know where you live.” He finished, finally stopping to take a breath.
“I’ll let my mom give you directions.” I said. “I don’t know my way around that county that well” I added, embarrassed. I had lived here for eleven of my fourteen years and I still hadn’t learned my way around. I was always daydreaming instead of looking out the window when we went places.
“Oh, that reminds me, I’ll want to stop by and meet your parents.” He said, continuing his speech. My heart jumped into my throat as I tried to catch my breath. Talking to him was starting to make me dizzy.
“Like, my dad?” I asked, knowing full well he had said ‘parents.’
“Well, I’d like to meet your mother and your father, if that’s possible. I know sometimes parents can have weird work schedules, and sometimes they can’t be ho-“ I cut him off.
“Yeah, they’ll be home.” I said quickly. ‘Her being at work won’t be a problem, I though to myself.’ It’s not that it would be a bad think for him to meet her, I just didn’t know how he’d react.
“Ummmm…I’ll let you talk to my mom now…she’ll give you the directions.” I said, letting the phone fall to my side. I carried the phone out into the hallway and dropped into mom’s hand. “Just give him directions.” I said quietly. She put the phone to her ear, ignoring the nervous tone in my voice. Now was one of those times when it seemed like she didn’t care.
I could hear her talking behind me as I walked back to my room and flopped onto my bed, stomach first. Nervous as I was, a new thought crept into my head.
Moments later, I was shuffling through my closet for something to wear. I pushed aside the pink dress I had worn to Mrs. Jamie’s wedding. I opened my mouth as I saw it. It was perfect. A plain black sweater with a V style neck. It had a braid design down the front and it went down to right above my knee. I felt the soft fabric in between my fingers. I turned my head to look at my brown suede boots near my door. ‘It’s perfect’ I thought. And I have the perfect hairstyle to go with it. ‘French braid down the back’ I thought. ‘But I don’t know how to do a French braid.’ I thought. And Niki was at work by now. I would have to do my best. About a half hour later, I had taken a shower and was slipping on the long black sweater. It fit nicely, the sleeves stopping just short of my knuckles. After looking up directions for French braiding on the internet, I put my hair into a loose and sloppy braid. Somehow, it seemed like I had meant for it to be that way. I smiled at my reflection in the bathroom. I didn’t look like an outsider. That was my main concern. I slipped on my brown boots, just as I saw his car drive into the driveway. I went outside, not intending to mention anything about my parents.
“Hi, Ali. I came a little early, so I could meet your parents and we could still be on time.” He said, opening the door of the car. ‘So much for my idea’ I thought. I led him into the house, my feet much more willing than my head.
When I opened the door, mom was sitting in the living room watching the TV. “Pastor Frank, this is my mom.” I looked up for some sort of surprise on his face, fear even. But instead, I saw only kindness and good intentions. I let out a sigh of relief. He hadn’t been freaked out.
Right then, my dad walked in from the shop, greased hands and everything. I drew a long breath and let it out slowly. He’d think both my parent were weirdoes.
After talking to them for about five minutes, he looked at his watch. “I think we should probably get going if we’re going to make it to the party on time.” He said. My dad nodded and, after hurriedly stating when he’d like me to be home, waved us out the door.
As the door shut behind us, I was almost certain he would ask something about my mom. I waited, bracing myself to answer any of the questions he had, as I had done so many times. Nothing. We walked to the car in silence.
The ride to the party was much the same, save for a few comments about my atire, which were very much appreciated. I dug in my purse, and pulled out my small notebook. I jotted down the lyrics to one of my favorite songs
Hey there, little girl, with your tangled hair, your tattered clothes.

You’re fifteen and you’re about to bloom just like a rose.

You’re wishin that you had designer jeans, like the ones you see in magazines.

And I know you’d do anything just to fit in, but price tags don’t define you.

It comes from within.

Don’t you know you’re beautiful.

Don’t you know you’re beautiful.

Don’t you know you’re beautiful, just the way you are.
Hey there little homecomin queen, in that back seat.

I bet his big brown eyes are promising you everything.

And I know you wanna be just like you’re friends,

but he’ll still love you if you don’t give in.

And if those girls were being honest.

That’ve been where you’re at,

I bet they’d tell you they wish they had their innocence back.

Don’t you know you’re beautiful.

Don’t you know you’re beautiful.

Don’t you know you’re beautiful, just the way you are.
So he left you for a girl that could be your twin,

if you were twenty eight again.

Let him go (let him go),

Let him fly (let him fly),

pick your head up, get on with your life.
Don’t you know you’re beautiful.

Don’t you know you’re beautiful.

Don’t you know you’re beautiful, just the way you are.
The lyrics somehow seemed to calm me at that moment. I wasn’t flawless. I wasn’t perfect. I was beautiful. Just the way I was. I suddenly realized that the car had stopped. I shoved my notebook into my bag, and climbed out of the van.

Finally Home~Milly Callum

Finally Home

“No!” I screamed in agony. I wanted so much to talk to him at that moment. “I can hear you!” I yelled. “I can hear every word. I love you too, Tod” I fell to the floor. “…so much.” I whispered. I regained my composure quickly, as I saw Alana walking toward me. She stooped down to my level.
“No tears past the gate.” She said simply, handing me a handkerchief. I sniffed and wiped my eyes with the cloth.
“I know.” I whispered. “but why can’t he hear me? Why can’t I talk to him?” My tears were flowing freely now.
“You were not of the world, but in it. You left the world behind, severing all conection as you went.” She answered. “You were given this gift because you asked for it.”
I dreaded that day now, yet my mind seemed all too happy to relive it.

I knelt before my father, humbling myself, completely speechless.
“Rise up,” He commanded. “My good and faithful servant. I am pleased.” I looked up, shocked. I didn’t understand.
“Lord, there…there must be some mistake. I’m no one. I’m not even worthy of looking at you. How can you call me a good and faithful servant?” I stood, gaping at his mercy, his love…for me.
“You forget,” He said. “You are also my child. What can a child do that would turn it’s creator away from it?” He asked.
I thought for a moment. My mind flashed back to an old song our church teachers had taught the class when I was little. It played in my head, a light, but happy melody.
“Absolutely nothing.” I said, smiling as the words passed my lips. He smiled down at me.
“I see you remember your many years at my house. Anyone who searches within your heart, as I have, will see plainly that you were at your happiest when visiting my home. You found friendships there that last to this day. It was your escape from the life you were forced to live.” He reached to touch my cheek. “You were devastated when you were forced to leave.” I lifted my arm to take hold of His wrist. When I touched Him, a warm pulse flowed through my body, matching the beat of my heart. He stepped back, and my hand fell limp at my side. The warmth of his touch stayed with me as he went.
“You have read in my scriptures that I shall grant you your heart’s desire. So tell me child. What is it that lays closest to your heart?” He asked.
I thought about the carefully. I stood and thought. I was certain at least half an hour had past when I spoke. “I want to see my family and friends. To be able to watch over them.” He smiled a warm, knowing smile.
“And so you shall, my darling.” He cupped his hands and put them together, reminding me somewhat of a prayer. A bright light began to shine from inside his hands. It became so bright that I had to shield my eyes. Seconds later, the light seemed to disappear and I lowered my arms from in front of my face.
He stood holding an engraved box of pure gold. It was an oval shape with a hinged top. There was intricate engravings all around it, depicting beautiful hanging vines. Hidden throughout the vines were colorful wild, and exotic flowers like I’d never seen before. He held it out to me, silently asking me to take it. I took it from Him and held it gingerly in my hands.
“What is it?” I asked, examining the scarlet script engraved on the lid. “Milly.” I read.
“It will give you the ability to look back on the place you left. Now, do not misunderstand me.” I looked up at Him, listening intently.
“You have no connection to earth through this.” He pointed at the box. “You may see your friends and know their thoughts, but you may not communicate with them. You may not appear to them in any way. Do you understand?”
My eyes stayed fixed on His face as I answered. “I do.” I looked down and realized for the first time how perfectly the box fit into my hands.
“And now,” His hand swept across the blank landscape that was Heaven. “Your mansion awaits.” He waved His hand in the direction of a large building, not unlike a palace. I gasped.
“That’s where I live?” I asked, not even believing my own words. “I...that’s my house?” I looked up at him, like a child might look to his father, silently questioning if a situation was really happening. He simply nodded. I looked one last time at the gorgeous building before me, before running up the silver-white steps. I opened the door and gasped. I had just stepped into the church. It was exactly the same. My father appeared behind me and spoke
“Like I said before, this is where you are happiest. This is where you will stay. This is your home. I shall leave you now, but I will be just a call away if you ever have need of me.” I looked up at him. I wrapped my arms around him and held tight. He hugged me back. What could I say? I was home.

Words I Never Said~Tod Belle

Words I Never Said


I heard a knock at my door, and I looked over at the clock on my bed. 12:47. I moaned and pulled the quilt over my head. The door creaked open and my mom sat down on the bed.
“Tod, are you okay?” She asked. “You haven’t been out of bed all morning.” She paused. “Do you want me to make you some breakfast.”
“I’m not hungry.” I mumbled. She put her hand on my shoulder and started rubbing my back. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.
“Well,” She said, patting me on the shoulder. “Let me know if you need anything.” She got off the bed and walked out the door, closing it behind her.
For about an hour, I just laid on my bed, trying away the memories. Ping-pong, Shine, Sunday-school, ATF. The silence in my room was closing in on me, and I knew what was coming.
I leaned over and got sick into the trash can beside my bed. When I finished, I sat up in the bed and wiped my mouth with a tissue. I reached over on my bedside table and grabbed a mint. I popped it in my mouth to get rid of the bitter taste that was now burning my throat.
I got off of my bed and went to the bathroom. I rinsed out the trash can and brushed my teeth. I decided that maybe if I ate something, the sick feeling that lingered in my stomach, would subside. My mother would certainly be glad to see me eating something. My thoughts were interrupted when Niki stopped at the bathroom door and saw me.
“Why are you rinsing out your trashcan?” She glanced down, and saw my toothbrush, out of it’s case, on the counter. “Did you get sick again?” Her voice told me that she knew why I was sick.
‘It’s nothing.” I lied, discovering at that moment that I was a horrible liar. As per my assumption, she saw right through me.
“It is not nothing. Tod, you need to eat something. You’re gonna starve yourself to d-” She stopped.
“Go ahead. Say it. Say that I haven’t eaten anything for a week. Say that if I don’t eat something, I’ll die. Say that if I don’t get over her, I’ll end up dead…just like M-…her. Just like her.” The sick feeling in my stomach worsened, but I kept control. “I can’t do it. I can’t just let her go. Why couldn’t I have just told her?’ I yelled, more to myself than Niki. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. The tears in my eyes refused to listen to my head. I hurriedly wiped my cheek on the sleeve of my shirt. Niki stepped closer to me.
“Tod…” I pushed her away. I ran through the bathroom door and down the stairs. I didn’t know where I was going or why. I just ran. I kept running, past the stalls, and down the street. I ducked into a path I the woods and kept running. I dropped to my knees in the middle of a clearing.
“Milly Callum, wherever you are, I need you to know something. Ever since I met you, you’ve been more than a friend to me. A sister, but even more than that…I loved you, Milly…and I still do. I should’ve told you when I had the chance….and now you’re gone…forever. But I need you to know this…no matter where I go or who I meet. I’ll always love you.” Suddenly, my whisper of a prayer turned into more of a yell. “I LOVE YOU, MILLY CALLUM!!!” I fell to the ground and cried. She couldn’t be gone…not yet. What if she didn’t hear me? What if she never knew? What if she never knew how much I loved her. For an hour, I just laid there in the middle of the woods. No one came to look for me, not that I wanted to be found. I was guessing Niki hadn’t mentioned my little meltdown to mom, or there would’ve been police choppers circling our house by now. There was only one person I could talk to right now, and she was gone…for good.
“Why did you take her?!?!” I found myself yelling at God. The God I used to trust. The God I used to take all my problems to. But I now refused to trust him, refused to answer to him as my protector. Milly had always had such a sure faith. She was sure to be in heaven right now. But she shouldn’t be there. I though angrily. She should be here. This is where she belongs.
Suddenly, I had an idea. I looked over at the tree to my right. It was a wide oak with a large knot near the bottom of the trunk. It was perfect. Just the right size for what I needed. I wondered if my dad would let me use his tools to make it. No I thought. I want to make this special. I’ll do it all by hand. With that last thought, I ran back to my house and up to my room to find I piece of clean notebook paper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I ran into my house, Niki was waiting at the kitchen table. There was a plate on the table, but I couldn’t tell what was on it.
“I made you a sandwich.” She said, offering me the plate. I was able to see the sandwich clearly now. It was grilled cheese.
“Thanks.” I said, smiling and taking the plate from her. I sat down across from her at the table.
“What’s up with you?” She asked suspiciously. Her curiosity didn’t cover the fact that she was excited I had finally decided to eat something.
“I have an idea.” I said, matter of factly, biting into the grilled cheese. I realized just how hungry I had been the whole week.
“What kind of idea?” She asked. I was on the second half of my sandwich now. I had decided about two bites into it that the only way to eat a sandwich when you’re hungry is fast.
“You’ll see.” She smiled, although I’m not sure why. I figured I had cheese on my face or something. I set the empty paper plate on the table.
“You still hungry?” She asked knowingly.
“Yeah…” I said quietly. She laughed.
“You want me to make you another sandwich, while you go work on your idea?” She said the word “idea” like it was a bad thing.
“Would you?” I asked. I really wanted to get up to work on my project, but if she offered to make it, then…
“Sure.” She said. I smiled, thanked her, and ran up the stairs. When I got to my room, I dug through my drawers until I found my brand new school notebook. I grabbed my favorite pen off my desk and sat down. I opened the notebook to the first page and started to write.

Lifeless Memory~Niki Belle

Lifeless Memory


We pulled into the parking lot of Tropical Smoothie about fifteen minutes later. Ali stepped out of the car just as I shut my door. We walked in and ordered our smoothies. We sat down in one of the corner booths away from all the noise and chatter of the main tables. As we sat down, I could tell something wasn’t quite right with Ali.
“What’s up, girl?” I couldn’t think of what else to say. “You okay?” Not the best choice of questions, but it would have to do. She looked up at me. She had gone off in her own world for a minute. Somehow, she heard my question clearly.
“I just miss Milly, I guess. How’s Tod doin?” She said, changing the subject.
“He’ll be fine. He won’t be the same…but he’ll pull through.” I directed the question back at her. “I’m worried about you, though.” She turned to look over her shoulder. I followed her gaze and saw a small, fragile looking girl carrying our smoothies to the table. We took our smoothies, and set them on the tables.
When the girl had gone back to the counter, I looked back at her. She was looking down and biting on her straw.
“It just shouldn’t have happened so soon. She should still be here.” Her voice broke. “It wasn’t her time.” She cleared her throat and took a sip of her smoothie.
“Have you tried praying about it?” I asked. She looked up at me like I’d lost my mind.
“God doesn’t care. If He cared the slightest bit about us, He wouldn’t have taken her. He’s not gonna help us deal with something He did.” She said incredulously.
“How will you know if you don’t try?” She looked down again and thought for a moment.
“Praying is not gonna make her come back. She’s gone, and no amount of prayer is gonna change that.” She bit down on her straw and closed her eyes.
“It won’t make her come back, but it helps…it makes you feel better. Trust me. I’ve tried it without prayer, and with prayer, and prayer sure does make it a lot easier.” I remembered the past few nights, sitting in my bed. Tod had been sick all night. He wasn’t eating. That was the night I started praying. For him. For Ali. For Milly, even.
The sound of Ali’s hand shaking on the table brought me back to reality. When I looked up she was crying, but I could tell she was trying hard to hide it.
“Do you want me to pray with you?” I asked. She looked up. I saw something in her eye that said she believed again. Her faith was back, even if just for a second.
She just nodded her head. I put my hands on the table for her to hold. She placed her hands in mine, and closed her eyes. This confused me. Of all the times I’d seen Ali pray, she had never once closed her eyes. Her hands shook in mine, as she let out another sob. I bowed my head and started to pray.
“Dear God, we pray that you would put your hand on Ali and help her to heal. I ask that you would help her to understand, and that you would bring her peace. I pray for Milly, that she is happy in heaven, and that she has found peace in your kingdom. I pray for Milly’s mother and father, and for Cassy and Lisa, that you will be with them through all of this. Help them to remember you, Lord, that they would know this is not goodbye, but just sort of…” The right phrase refused to come to my lips.
“…see you later…” Ali offered. I looked up. She was smiling. I knew God’s process had begun insider her heart. I smiled back.
“…a see you later.” I continued. “Amen.” I finished. Ali’s hands seemed to fall out of mine, almost as if she had become a puppet that someone had just cut the strings on. For a minute, we just sat in silence. She was biting her straw and her lip at the same time. I took a sip of my smoothie.
“I think…” She began. I looked up from the table to see her looking out the window. She turned to face me. “I think you were right.” She smiled. It was the first real smile I had seen from her in ages. I thought back to the day of Milly’s funeral.

“Her life was short, but it was well lived.” Pastor Allen had been asked to preach for the funeral. He was, after all, Milly’s great uncle. I tried to listen to the speech, but was too lost in my own thoughts. Suddenly, all the memories came flashing back to me. I remembered when Tod had come home talking about her the first time. Quiet, soft-spoken, and shy had been the words he used to describe her. Inside my own head, I suppressed a giggle. She had become anything but shy after meeting Tod. Every Wednesday night after church, they would skip around the church like maniacs, hugging everybody and anybody who would hug them back. Still soft-spoken and quiet, but not shy.
I came back to reality of the funeral for just a second, to see Alex and Ali crying onto one another, Ali more than Alex. I went to stand beside them, knowing it would do no good. As I walked up to stand beside Ali, she turned and looked at me. She leaned onto my shoulder, sobbing uncontrollably. I hated to see her like this, but I stayed close to her. She needed me right now. I was sure that I would be lost in my thoughts soon, anyway. Yet my eyes stayed firmly focused on the black wooden coffin, clinging to it as if it were life itself. But I knew very well that the thing that my eyes now so desperately took hold of did not represent life at all, but the opposite. That carved wooden box represented the loss of a loyal friend. A lifetime of memories, coming to an end. It represented a heart that once beat with so many emotions, now lifeless in the chest of a small blue-eyed girl.

Before I knew it, I was at the bottom of my cup, and I had a pounding headache. Probably brain freeze. I thought. I looked up at Ali, who was staring out the window, seemingly lost in her own thoughts.
“Are you ready to go?” I asked, looking at her almost empty smoothie cup. She looked at me like she had just woken up from a dream.
“Oh…” She said, looking at her cup. “Yeah, I’m ready.” She smiled and picked up her purse from the floor beside her chair. She took her cup from the table and threw it into the trash can beside the door. She led the way to the car that sat, lonely, in the parking lot. I looked around to see maybe four other cars in the whole parking lot. The car door shutting brought me back, and I realized I was grasping the handle of the driver’s side door. I pulled the door open and climbed in. We drove back in silence. When I couldn’t stand it any more, I reached up to turn on the radio, wishing instantly that I hadn’t. The familiar words came through the speakers, as if they had been positioned to jump into our minds as soon as I turned the radio on.
Oh, I don’t know how to let you go…You’re so deep down I my soul…I feel helpless…so hopeless…Like a door that never closes…No, I don’t know how to do this.
I looked over at Ali, and was surprised to see her singing along, without a single tear on her face. I smiled at the idea. I had done my job…and God had done his.

Like it Was~Lisa Callum

Like it was.

I sat on my bed and held a picture of Milly. She had only been nine years old when the picture was taken, and she looked exactly like Cassy. I wanted to hold her again…I wanted my sister back.

I looked across the room at Milly and Tod. Tod started skipping around in a circle, very girlishly. I giggled a little as I saw Milly double over laughing. They were made for each other. I can still remember the look on her face when she opened the present he gave her for her fourteenth birthday. It was a beautiful silver ring with a carved white horse on it. She wore that ring ever single day. I could only recall one time when she hadn’t warn it, and that was when she left it at the church. She had spent all afternoon looking through every pew until she finally found it on the pastor’s podium.
Niki came up to me and waved her hand in front of my face.
“Hello…you there?” She laughed.
“I think I hear wedding bells…” I joked.
“Well, it’s about time.” She said sarcastically. We both laughed.
“Hey, I better get back to Alex. She wants me to help her with something.”
“Okay. I think we’re getting ready to leave soon anyway. My mom should be driving around the back any minute now. I’ll see you later.” I turned in the direction of the door, still facing Niki.
“See ya!” She said, walking away.
I turned towards Milly.
“Milly come on!” She looked up from what Tod had been showing her.

All of the sudden, Cassy ran in. I jumped and the picture fell into the folds of my blanket. She jumped onto the bed and grabbed me around the waist, burying her head in my chest. She mumbled something I couldn’t quite make out.
“What’s wrong, Cassy?” I said. She looked up at me.
“Mom and Dad are fighting again.” She said curling into me as though she was hiding from something.
“Dad’s here?!” I asked. She just curled tighter against me.
“He won’t stop yelling.” I could feel her crying against me. I hugged her tight. Finally, she stopped shaking and looked up at me.
“Why did Milly die?” The words hit me like a bullet. I pulled her back into my lap and started crying. I shook my head weakly.
“I don’t know Cassy…I don’t know.”

Going in Reverse~Niki Belle

Going in Reverse

I drove slowly on my way to Ali’s house, trying to stay calm. I was seriously worried about her. I mean, she’d been really depressed ever since Milly had left the church, but now…she was really gone.

We walked over to the pavilion and sat down on the rough wooden bench. For a couple of seconds, Ali just sat beside me. She didn’t say anything. She let out a shaky breath and wiped her cheek.
“What’s up?” I said. “Everything okay?” I put my arm around her and hugged her. I felt her shake under my arm. She shook her head no.
“What is it?” I asked. I waited for her to answer.
“I was thinking about Milly today in class.” She started shakily. “I had like this vision of her in her room, and she was slitting her wrist, and Lisa came in and saw her.” She finished. She reached up to wipe her cheek again.
“Well do you think she would do something like that? I mean, I know she’s had problems like that before, but nothing recent, that I know of.” Ali shook her head again.
“I don’t know. I’m just worried, that’s all” She finished. I looked up and saw Tod walking toward the pavilion. He jumped over the bench and continued in our direction.
“Do you know the meaning of privacy?” I asked.
“Nope!” He joked. “What’s it mean?” I saw James and Alex walking over.
“I don’t think we’re gonna get any more private conversation right now.” I whispered. She nodded, wiped her eyes one last time and stood up. She looked over her shoulder and saw her parents van. She walked over and grabbed her purse. She turned and looked back at me.
“If you need to talk about anything, just give me a call, okay?” I whispered in her ear as I huggeed her tight. As she pulled away, I thought I saw a single tear on her cheek.

I turned the car into Ali’s gravel driveway. She was standing at the bottom of her driveway with her purse slung over hr shoulder. When I stopped next to her, she smiled weakly, and walked to the other side of the car. She opened the door and sat down. I put the car in reverse and started to back out of the driveway.