Angel’s Song
I woke up the next day in a complete fog. I couldn’t recall exactly what had happened. But when I glanced over at the wall, the events of yesterday hit me. The door was open and I could see the room across the hall. I could see what used to be Tod’s room. A thought struck me, and for about half a second, I considered it. Then I shook my head firmly. I couldn’t go in his room. It was too soon to revisit those memories. None of my family had been in Tod’s room since his death.
In any case, I would have enough pain and memories today. It was the day of Todd’s funeral.
A look at the clock on my bedside table told me that the funeral would happen in a little less than two hours. I wanted so badly to turn back over in my bed and cry myself back to sleep, but I made myself lift myself over the side of the mattress and stand shakily. I trudged to my closet, not knowing if I would have the strength to get dressed, much less actually attend the funeral. I dressed in a haze, without actually knowing what I was doing. All I know was that I chose a black dress that I hadn’t worn in a couple months.
When I came downstairs, Dad was sitting on the couch flipping channels like he had been the day he yelled at Tod. The only difference was that when I came down, he said nothing. He seemed to be in the same trance-like state that I was. The entire house was silent, and no one seemed to mind. I sat down at the kitchen table, trying to brace myself for the event that was to come.
Mia was sitting across from me looking like an absolute statue. She had taken the time to straiten her hair, but a burn on the side of her ear told me that she hadn’t been much on focusing. I was beginning to think that no one in the house was, and with good reason. It was easier not to think of anything than to be flooded with thoughts of Tod.
For the first time in days, I thought of Milly. This thought cheered me up almost enough to bring a smiled to my face. Tod and Milly would finally see each other again. I could imagine them running towards each other on the white clouds of heaven. I had imagined the same scene happening so many times on earth, it seemed almost like memory, as if it had already happened and not just the imagination of an 18 year old girl with a dead brother.
I was jolted away from my thoughts as I realized that the radio had come on. My head whirled around to see what had caused it to suddenly break the silence like glass, but no one was standing anywhere near the radio and I was the only one that seemed to notice it playing.
But what intrigued me was the fact that I didn’t recognize the song that was playing, but as the bright LED display clearly displayed, the station was one I listened to often. I listened intently to the lyrics.
What I’m feelin’,
Time is gonna heal it
I been hearin’ that for so long now
They say I’ll move on
Got to try and be strong
Life will go on; I’ll get though this somehow
Oh, but how, when I’m still waiting,
For you to come back,
If you could only come back,
I’m aching for you to walk through that door
Hold me once more
But you won’t, still I go on waiting
It was a Sunday
We buried you in the rain
I never knew pain till that first night alone
Opened you closet, breathed you in
I lost it, the truth of it, baby, finally hit home
No, you’re not comin’ home,
But I’m still waiting,
For you to come back,
If you could only come back,
I’m aching for you to walk through that door
Hold me once more
But you won’t, still I go on waiting
Wish you could talk to me somehow
Tell me what do I do now
I’m still waiting,
I’m aching for you to walk through that door
Hold me once more
But you won’t,
Yeah, I know
That you won’t,
still I go on waiting
By the time the music faded, I was in such a fit of tears, I had trouble believing I would ever stop. The words in the song had described my situation so perfectly.
Suddenly I was hit with the same idea I had had that morning when I woke up. I made up my mind that this was something I had to do before the funeral started. I looked at the radio to see what time it was and was shocked to see that it was once again off. “Must’ve been one of God’s angels.” I thought to myself.
I jumped from my chair and walked across the living room and started up the stairs slowly. I reached the top of the steps in what seemed like no time at all. It was certainly not enough time to prepare myself for what I was about to do. Then again, no amount of time could’ve prepared me for this. I turned to face the open door and stepped into Tod’s room.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Going Back~Lisa Callum
Going Back
I swung my legs over the edge of my bed and looked down at the floor. It had been two days since I learned of Tod’s death. I looked over at my clock. The viewing would be over by now. I swallowed and thought of Niki. She needed me at the viewing. She needed me to be there for her. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was too hard. After going to my own sisters viewing, how could I possibly force myself to see the boy she loved lying dead in a coffin. Just the thought of it brought tears springing to my eyes as if they had no care as to the time or the place. I wiped them on my arm, quick to rid myself of the things that were more of a hindrance than a harm.
I looked up to see my mother standing in the doorway, looking down at me. For the first time, there was no smile on her face. Her cheeks were soaked with fresh tears, and I could see her shaking from where I sat.
I wasn’t quite sure what to do with this. I had never seen my mom like this before. Even when she was hurting inside, she was always smiling. Half of me was scared to see my mother like this. The other half of just wanted to hold her and make everything in her life better. Finally, I had the courage to say something.
“Mom, what’s wrong?” I said, my voice shaking.
“Lisa, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She said. “I should’ve been there for you. I knew what he was doing and I didn’t stop him.” She held her head in her hands. “Why didn’t I stop him?” She asked.
“Mom, no, you…” I stopped. I couldn’t believe what I was feeling. For a moment, anger flared inside of me. I thought over what she had said. Why didn’t she stop him? How could she have kept quiet when she knew what he was doing? I kept my eyes on my feet, not daring to look at her face. “I…I don’t know what to say.” I said honestly.
I hesitated and tried to figure out just what I felt. She was my mother; I had been mad at her before, but not like the rage that was building inside me now. I could only think of what she hadn’t done, what she hadn’t said.
“Right now,” I started. “I just need to be alone.” She moved to put her hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged it away. The pain in her eyes hurt me, but I turned away. I was determined to ignore her pain like she ignored mine. Finally, she stood up and walked out of the room, fresh tears filling her eyes. That was when I broke down.
I flung myself onto my pillow and started sobbing. I was filled with anger and hatred and regret and several other emotions I couldn’t describe. My head was spinning with memories and decisions. When the tears slowed, I shut my eyes tightly and clutched the pillow to my chest. I started praying aloud.
“God, why did you let him do that to me?” I asked, infuriated. “And why didn’t you give her the courage to stop him?” I cried harder. “I was only twelve!!” I screamed, my face still buried in the pillow. “What did I do to deserve that?” I was still angry, but the hatred was dying down to sorrow and grief. “God, where were you when I needed you?” I asked, scaring myself with my own thoughts. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that he had never left my side, not once. The fact that I was accusing him of leaving me now almost pushed me over the edge of thinking it was true. This thought only scared me more, and I once again gave in to the tears that cracked my voice without my wanting them to.
In my eyes, I had no one to turn to. God may be with me, but he had done nothing to stop the torture, done nothing to erase the pain. And now I found that my mother had played the same role. Always knowing, never interfering. I lifted my head from the pillow and wiped my cheek with the back of my hand, and was shocked to see Cassy standing in my doorway.
“Cassy!” I said, my voice still angry. She jumped from my sudden outburst directed at her. “What are you doing?” I hissed, embarrassed that she had seen my little episode. I was then hit with something like panic. How much had she heard? My question was quickly answered.
“Who hurt you?” She asked simply. I swallowed.
“No one.” I said solemnly. It tasted a lie on my lips to be saying the words when in truth, I had been hurt by so many people, I had lost track. She didn’t look convinced, but she got the hint and dropped the subject.
“Can you come play outside with me?” She peered though my window as if checking something. “It’s a pretty day.” She stated the obvious. The weather was a cloudless and sunny sky, and the high temperature was going to be around 75 degrees. It was definitely not the weather that reflected my mood, but it was beautiful day out, and I didn’t want to leave Cassy to be bored by herself.
“Sure.” I said, climbing off of my bed. “What do you wanna play?” I asked. Her face lit up and she smiled the widest smile I had seen in months. I realized soon enough that her smile was contagious.
“We could have a concert.” She suggested. I tried to remember the last time we had had a family concert. We would stand out in the yard with our audience consisting of our parents, stuffed animals, and our dogs, and we would sing the silliest songs we could think of until we got hoarse or until it got dark. The last time I remembered doing a concert was when I was eleven years old. After that, I had generally become part of the audience, if I participated at all. Milly had always been the singer in the family. I was better with instruments and Cassy had always done backup. She had the sweet clear voice for it. I figured if now wasn’t the time to get back into our band, I didn’t know what was.
“That sounds really cool.” I said. She smiled and I returned it. “I’ll get the stuffed animals.”
I swung my legs over the edge of my bed and looked down at the floor. It had been two days since I learned of Tod’s death. I looked over at my clock. The viewing would be over by now. I swallowed and thought of Niki. She needed me at the viewing. She needed me to be there for her. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was too hard. After going to my own sisters viewing, how could I possibly force myself to see the boy she loved lying dead in a coffin. Just the thought of it brought tears springing to my eyes as if they had no care as to the time or the place. I wiped them on my arm, quick to rid myself of the things that were more of a hindrance than a harm.
I looked up to see my mother standing in the doorway, looking down at me. For the first time, there was no smile on her face. Her cheeks were soaked with fresh tears, and I could see her shaking from where I sat.
I wasn’t quite sure what to do with this. I had never seen my mom like this before. Even when she was hurting inside, she was always smiling. Half of me was scared to see my mother like this. The other half of just wanted to hold her and make everything in her life better. Finally, I had the courage to say something.
“Mom, what’s wrong?” I said, my voice shaking.
“Lisa, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She said. “I should’ve been there for you. I knew what he was doing and I didn’t stop him.” She held her head in her hands. “Why didn’t I stop him?” She asked.
“Mom, no, you…” I stopped. I couldn’t believe what I was feeling. For a moment, anger flared inside of me. I thought over what she had said. Why didn’t she stop him? How could she have kept quiet when she knew what he was doing? I kept my eyes on my feet, not daring to look at her face. “I…I don’t know what to say.” I said honestly.
I hesitated and tried to figure out just what I felt. She was my mother; I had been mad at her before, but not like the rage that was building inside me now. I could only think of what she hadn’t done, what she hadn’t said.
“Right now,” I started. “I just need to be alone.” She moved to put her hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged it away. The pain in her eyes hurt me, but I turned away. I was determined to ignore her pain like she ignored mine. Finally, she stood up and walked out of the room, fresh tears filling her eyes. That was when I broke down.
I flung myself onto my pillow and started sobbing. I was filled with anger and hatred and regret and several other emotions I couldn’t describe. My head was spinning with memories and decisions. When the tears slowed, I shut my eyes tightly and clutched the pillow to my chest. I started praying aloud.
“God, why did you let him do that to me?” I asked, infuriated. “And why didn’t you give her the courage to stop him?” I cried harder. “I was only twelve!!” I screamed, my face still buried in the pillow. “What did I do to deserve that?” I was still angry, but the hatred was dying down to sorrow and grief. “God, where were you when I needed you?” I asked, scaring myself with my own thoughts. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that he had never left my side, not once. The fact that I was accusing him of leaving me now almost pushed me over the edge of thinking it was true. This thought only scared me more, and I once again gave in to the tears that cracked my voice without my wanting them to.
In my eyes, I had no one to turn to. God may be with me, but he had done nothing to stop the torture, done nothing to erase the pain. And now I found that my mother had played the same role. Always knowing, never interfering. I lifted my head from the pillow and wiped my cheek with the back of my hand, and was shocked to see Cassy standing in my doorway.
“Cassy!” I said, my voice still angry. She jumped from my sudden outburst directed at her. “What are you doing?” I hissed, embarrassed that she had seen my little episode. I was then hit with something like panic. How much had she heard? My question was quickly answered.
“Who hurt you?” She asked simply. I swallowed.
“No one.” I said solemnly. It tasted a lie on my lips to be saying the words when in truth, I had been hurt by so many people, I had lost track. She didn’t look convinced, but she got the hint and dropped the subject.
“Can you come play outside with me?” She peered though my window as if checking something. “It’s a pretty day.” She stated the obvious. The weather was a cloudless and sunny sky, and the high temperature was going to be around 75 degrees. It was definitely not the weather that reflected my mood, but it was beautiful day out, and I didn’t want to leave Cassy to be bored by herself.
“Sure.” I said, climbing off of my bed. “What do you wanna play?” I asked. Her face lit up and she smiled the widest smile I had seen in months. I realized soon enough that her smile was contagious.
“We could have a concert.” She suggested. I tried to remember the last time we had had a family concert. We would stand out in the yard with our audience consisting of our parents, stuffed animals, and our dogs, and we would sing the silliest songs we could think of until we got hoarse or until it got dark. The last time I remembered doing a concert was when I was eleven years old. After that, I had generally become part of the audience, if I participated at all. Milly had always been the singer in the family. I was better with instruments and Cassy had always done backup. She had the sweet clear voice for it. I figured if now wasn’t the time to get back into our band, I didn’t know what was.
“That sounds really cool.” I said. She smiled and I returned it. “I’ll get the stuffed animals.”
Friday, January 16, 2009
Understanding~Milly Callum
Understanding
I didn’t know whether to cry or scream with joy. I felt pain for Niki and Ali, but for Tod and myself, I couldn’t have been happier. I was going to see him again. And I had already made myself a promise. I wasn’t going to keep it a secret this time. He was going to know how I felt about him. After all these years, he would know.
Before I could continue the celebration of our approaching reunion, I was hit with a thought that sent my head whirling. Where was he? I tried to think of how long it had been from the time I had died to the time I awakened in the empty room with Alana, but I couldn’t remember anything.
I closed my eyes, hoping something in the back of my mind could remember, but again, I drew a blank. My curiosity sent my flying down the stairs and out the front doors of what was now my home. The trip down the golden street took far less time than normal, but whether it was due to my excitement for what was to come, or from my wings carrying me of their own accord several times, I couldn’t be sure.
When I came to a stop at the throne, God was standing, waiting for me with a warm smile on his face. I threw myself against him, but he stood firm.
“What is it?” He asked, though I knew full well he already knew my thoughts. Even so, I phrased my question carefully.
“When…” I paused. “When do I get to see Tod?” I asked, deciding on my first phasing of the question.
His smile suddenly fell and I was stuck by a sense of panic. “What is it?” I said. Unlike him, I didn’t have the ability to read peoples thoughts before even themselves. I could, however, read his face and it was definitely not conveying good news.
“You will see him again,” He promised. This gave me a glimpse of hope, but his face still didn’t look hopeful. I waited for him to finish. “But he cannot come here.” He finished.
My heart sunk down into the bottom of my stomach. Instinctively, my mind raced to the obvious, yet incomprehensible answer.
“Do you mean that Tod is in Hell?” I asked. Even as I said the words, my voice broke. He couldn’t be in Hell. Of all the people I’d known on earth, Tod was never one I considered not to go to heaven. I hadn’t spent a week with him before I knew this.
But now everything I had thought about him seemed to turn up-side down. I was quickly brought back to reality by God’s warm hands on my shoulders. I looked up at his face and he wiped away a tear from my cheek.
“He is not in Hell.” He assured me. I sighed and realized I’d been holding my breathe and biting my lip. One more question came to mind.
“When will I see him?” I asked. He smiled.
“Have patience, my child.” He said. “You will see him when the time is right.” I nodded in agreement. He looked at me, instantly reading that my mind was not yet satisfied. “What is it?” He asked, again limiting himself so that he was on a human thinking level.
“Did you hear Niki’s prayer?” I asked. If I was going to see Tod soon, I guessed the best thing to do was give in to the sympathy I felt for Niki and the rest of Tod’s family. Again, he smiled the warm smile that told me he had everything under his control.
“I did.” He answered. I waited for him to say more. “Milly, I will always be with her. You don’t need to worry about her.” He said. It was my turn to smile.
“I still do.” I said to Him.
“You always had a gift for understanding my way of thinking.” He said. I gave him a questioning look. “How many people have told me not to worry with them?” He asked. I ran through the unknown statistics in my head. Finally, I sighed.
“Too many?” I asked; we both laughed.
“Precisely. Does it mean I oblige, and let them fall to the hands of evil?” He asked. The questions were getting difficult, but I kept the answers coming as best I could.
“No?” I guessed. He didn’t respond. He knew I had more to say. “But, if you don’t let anyone fall to the hands of evil, why do bad things happen to such good people?” I asked. One part of me longed for an answer from the only one I knew could give it. The other half of me was scared of his response. But again, he simply smiled warmly and answered calmly.
“Have you ever tried to save a friend from a wrong decision, say, getting involved with some of the wrong people?” I nodded. “Did you do that because you wanted control of them, or for their own good?” He asked.
“For their good.” I answered, anxious to see where the hypothetic situation was going to lead.
“Did they see it for what it was?” He asked. I shook my head. “They turned from you, accused you of taking control of what was not yours to take.” I nodded. The memories were only too fresh in my mind. I stared down at my feet.
“Only one more question.” He promised. I looked back up at him, preparing myself for the toughest question yet. “When she fell, were you able to catch her?” The question itself was not hard to answer at all. It was a simply yes or no question with the answer being obvious. What hit me wrong was the memories that came flooding back because of the question. I shook my head.
“She didn’t let me.” I said. A light bulb went off in my head. “Is that why bad things happen? You try to help people, but they don’t want your help?” I asked. He nodded.
“I try to stop the suffering. I’ve been there.” My head jerked up.
“But how-” I stopped. The God I had seen everyday for the past few weeks had disappeared. Standing in his place was a younger looking version of him, with shoulder-length brown hair, wearing a white robe. He reached to touch my face, but I drew back quickly when I saw what was on the hand he held toward me.
What I saw was a scar, where a nail had been hammered through his very hand. “Jesus?” I asked.
He smiled, filled with the joy of youth. “The very same.” He said, holding out his hand for me to shake. Instead of taking his hands, I threw my arms around his waist.
When I stepped back, he was still smiling. While I was still trying to figure out why I had never seen him before in heaven, he continued his introduction.
“I believe you just met my father.”
I didn’t know whether to cry or scream with joy. I felt pain for Niki and Ali, but for Tod and myself, I couldn’t have been happier. I was going to see him again. And I had already made myself a promise. I wasn’t going to keep it a secret this time. He was going to know how I felt about him. After all these years, he would know.
Before I could continue the celebration of our approaching reunion, I was hit with a thought that sent my head whirling. Where was he? I tried to think of how long it had been from the time I had died to the time I awakened in the empty room with Alana, but I couldn’t remember anything.
I closed my eyes, hoping something in the back of my mind could remember, but again, I drew a blank. My curiosity sent my flying down the stairs and out the front doors of what was now my home. The trip down the golden street took far less time than normal, but whether it was due to my excitement for what was to come, or from my wings carrying me of their own accord several times, I couldn’t be sure.
When I came to a stop at the throne, God was standing, waiting for me with a warm smile on his face. I threw myself against him, but he stood firm.
“What is it?” He asked, though I knew full well he already knew my thoughts. Even so, I phrased my question carefully.
“When…” I paused. “When do I get to see Tod?” I asked, deciding on my first phasing of the question.
His smile suddenly fell and I was stuck by a sense of panic. “What is it?” I said. Unlike him, I didn’t have the ability to read peoples thoughts before even themselves. I could, however, read his face and it was definitely not conveying good news.
“You will see him again,” He promised. This gave me a glimpse of hope, but his face still didn’t look hopeful. I waited for him to finish. “But he cannot come here.” He finished.
My heart sunk down into the bottom of my stomach. Instinctively, my mind raced to the obvious, yet incomprehensible answer.
“Do you mean that Tod is in Hell?” I asked. Even as I said the words, my voice broke. He couldn’t be in Hell. Of all the people I’d known on earth, Tod was never one I considered not to go to heaven. I hadn’t spent a week with him before I knew this.
But now everything I had thought about him seemed to turn up-side down. I was quickly brought back to reality by God’s warm hands on my shoulders. I looked up at his face and he wiped away a tear from my cheek.
“He is not in Hell.” He assured me. I sighed and realized I’d been holding my breathe and biting my lip. One more question came to mind.
“When will I see him?” I asked. He smiled.
“Have patience, my child.” He said. “You will see him when the time is right.” I nodded in agreement. He looked at me, instantly reading that my mind was not yet satisfied. “What is it?” He asked, again limiting himself so that he was on a human thinking level.
“Did you hear Niki’s prayer?” I asked. If I was going to see Tod soon, I guessed the best thing to do was give in to the sympathy I felt for Niki and the rest of Tod’s family. Again, he smiled the warm smile that told me he had everything under his control.
“I did.” He answered. I waited for him to say more. “Milly, I will always be with her. You don’t need to worry about her.” He said. It was my turn to smile.
“I still do.” I said to Him.
“You always had a gift for understanding my way of thinking.” He said. I gave him a questioning look. “How many people have told me not to worry with them?” He asked. I ran through the unknown statistics in my head. Finally, I sighed.
“Too many?” I asked; we both laughed.
“Precisely. Does it mean I oblige, and let them fall to the hands of evil?” He asked. The questions were getting difficult, but I kept the answers coming as best I could.
“No?” I guessed. He didn’t respond. He knew I had more to say. “But, if you don’t let anyone fall to the hands of evil, why do bad things happen to such good people?” I asked. One part of me longed for an answer from the only one I knew could give it. The other half of me was scared of his response. But again, he simply smiled warmly and answered calmly.
“Have you ever tried to save a friend from a wrong decision, say, getting involved with some of the wrong people?” I nodded. “Did you do that because you wanted control of them, or for their own good?” He asked.
“For their good.” I answered, anxious to see where the hypothetic situation was going to lead.
“Did they see it for what it was?” He asked. I shook my head. “They turned from you, accused you of taking control of what was not yours to take.” I nodded. The memories were only too fresh in my mind. I stared down at my feet.
“Only one more question.” He promised. I looked back up at him, preparing myself for the toughest question yet. “When she fell, were you able to catch her?” The question itself was not hard to answer at all. It was a simply yes or no question with the answer being obvious. What hit me wrong was the memories that came flooding back because of the question. I shook my head.
“She didn’t let me.” I said. A light bulb went off in my head. “Is that why bad things happen? You try to help people, but they don’t want your help?” I asked. He nodded.
“I try to stop the suffering. I’ve been there.” My head jerked up.
“But how-” I stopped. The God I had seen everyday for the past few weeks had disappeared. Standing in his place was a younger looking version of him, with shoulder-length brown hair, wearing a white robe. He reached to touch my face, but I drew back quickly when I saw what was on the hand he held toward me.
What I saw was a scar, where a nail had been hammered through his very hand. “Jesus?” I asked.
He smiled, filled with the joy of youth. “The very same.” He said, holding out his hand for me to shake. Instead of taking his hands, I threw my arms around his waist.
When I stepped back, he was still smiling. While I was still trying to figure out why I had never seen him before in heaven, he continued his introduction.
“I believe you just met my father.”
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