Too Late
I sat in my room most of the day Saturday looking at old pictures. People had always said she looked like me. I could see it now too. Except for her eyes, there was not one difference in our features. I flipped to a picture of her standing in the kitchen. It looked like she was holding a rolled up newspaper, but I couldn’t tell. I didn’t remember when that picture had been taken. The next one I recognized. It was a picture of Milly and I holding spoons on our noses. We had been in a pancake house during my “dork stage” as Milly had so happily called it. I was reluctant even to look at the thick glasses over my eyes and the brightly colored braces on my teeth. I closed the photo album and threw it to the side just as I heard the door open and looked up to see my mom in the doorway.
“I have good news, Lisa.” She said cheerily. I hoped this was a genuine smile. I couldn’t tell anymore with her.
“What?” I said. I tried my best to hide the photo album under the covers so she wouldn’t know what I had been doing. I didn’t know why I didn’t like people to know what I was doing, but it was just something that made me who I was.
“They’re having the Teen Game Night early this month. With all of the holidays coming up, they don’t want to mess up anyone’s schedule, so they’re having it this Friday.” She said. I smiled.
“This Friday? Are you sure?” I asked. She looked up from the laundry basket she was sorting through and nodded.
“Are you excited? You’ll get to see Niki. You haven’t talked to her in a while.” I reached down the floor and felt the outside pocket of my purse where I had put the note for safe keeping. I felt the thick square where the folded piece of paper lay, holding so much information in only a few sentences.
“Yeah.” I said. “I can’t wait.” I watched her sort through the clothes, fold them neatly and put them into my drawers. “Mom, you don’t have to do that. I can do it if you want me to.” My mom was not one to give up her pride easily.
“No, that’s fine. You just rest. I can handle it. It’s not that much.” It sounded as though she was talking to herself more than me. It almost sounded like she was reassuring herself. I felt sorry for her, but she wouldn’t let me help her. There was nothing I could do.
When she finished putting the clothes away, she turned to face me, still holding the laundry basket on her hip. “Do you want me to make you any lunch or anything?” She asked. She looked overworked as it was, and I didn’t want to burden her anymore.
“I’m fine.” I said. “If I get hungry, I can heat up something in the microwave.” She looked at me skeptically. “Go mom. I’ll be fine.” I said.
“Okay.” She agreed. “But if you need anything, just call me. I’ll be right down the hall, okay?” She said. I smiled.
“I will.” I watched her leave and shut the door behind her before I leaned over and reread Milly’s not to Tod. I was debating whether or not the give the note to Tod. What if it wasn’t what Milly wanted? I had no way of knowing what Milly wanted now. It was too late. I was immediately filled with regret. I hadn’t thought about what I had done when Milly was alive. There had been so many times when she had tried to help me, and I had turned to someone else. I didn’t listen to her, didn’t trust her, but she was always there for me, even when no one else was.
I hung my head, questioning how I could’ve possibly treated her like that after all she had tried to do. Why had I blocked her out? I knew I could trust her. I built wall after wall and every single one, she had tried her best to climb over. Finally I had built the wall too high. But even then, she had waited just outside, always waiting for me. And now, when I finally figured out that I needed her, she was gone. It was too late. I had waited too long to let her in, and now she wasn’t there to let in. But I knew what to do. I wouldn’t make the same mistake with Cassy. I saw now that she tried to understand. Everything I told her, she tried her best to understand. But if I felt like it wasn’t good enough, I blocked her out. But not anymore. I wouldn’t wait until it was too late again.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Romeo, Take Me~Ali Cummings
Romeo, Take Me
It was Monday morning when I hear the phone ring from the other room and ran to answer it. I picked it up and put it to my ear, ignoring the fact that we had caller ID.
“Hello?” I said, brushing a stray piece of hair out of my face from where I had run to get the phone. I smiled when I heard the voice on the other end of the phone.
“Hi, is this Ali?” He said.
“Speaking.” I said simply. I was lucky he couldn’t see me or he would’ve seen how red I was turning.
“Well, in that case, how are you, Cinderella?” He said. I heard him giggle of the other end of the phone.
“I’m doing very well, Prince Charming.” I said. I turned bright pink. I had not meant to say that out loud. He laughed on the other end of the phone.
“Charming? I’ll take that as a complement.” He said.
“Well, you should. You are charming.” I slapped my hand over my mouth. What was it about him that made me so crazy? Either I was gushing over him or I was blushing because of him. I couldn’t be around him without feeling like I really was Cinderella, twirling around like a princess at a ball. But really I was just a normal girl who couldn’t for the life her figure out why the prince had chosen her. His quiet laugh brought me back to reality.
“Well, thank you.” He said. “And I can’t think of one girl who fit’s the description of a princess like you do.” I blushed. I took the phone to my room and sat down on the bed.
“I’m not a princess.” I said shyly. “And I don’t deserve a prince.” I said.
“Well then how about me instead? What do you think of that?” He asked. I didn’t even hesitate to answer him.
“I’m definitely not complaining.” I said. He laughed on the other end of the phone, and I gave into the desire to laugh with him.
“Well that’s good.” He said. “I actually called to ask you a question.” He said. I noticed the same shyness in his voice that had been present in mine just seconds before.
“And what would that be?” I asked. I really had not the slightest idea what the question might be.
“Do you want to meet somewhere?” He asked. I was surprised by the question. I didn’t know where he lived, nor did he know my address. I couldn’t drive and there was nowhere I could think to go that wouldn’t be like a date. Then it clicked. Was he asking me out on a date?
“Where would we meet?” I asked, afraid to jump to conclusions. If he wasn’t asking me out on a date, I would feel completely stupid for suggesting it if I said anything.
“I was thinking we could just go to Starbucks or something. You know, get some coffee, hang out.” I started to think about it. It would be easy to get my mom to agree to the idea, and it might be fun to get to know him a little better. He interrupted my thoughts.
“We could just go as two friends hanging out at a coffee house. What do you say?” He said. I made up my mind quickly.
“I’d like that. Just let me ask my mom.” I set the phone down on my pillow and headed down the hall to my mom’s bedroom. When I got there, she was sitting in her wheelchair, watching television. “Mom,” I started. “Could I go out for a little while with a friend?” She looked over at me and got a serious look on her face. She was in one of her moods.
“Who with?” She said. “Where are you going and how long will you be gone?” I would be lucky if these were the only questions I had to answer.
“I’m going to Starbucks with a friend from church, and we’ll only be gone until about four o’ clock.” I said, hoping that would suffice. She thought carefully about it, or at least looked as though she was doing so.
“Okay, you can go, but don’t be home a minute after four.” She said. I smiled and ran back through the house to tell Matthew.
“Thank you.” I shouted over my shoulder as I left her room. I heard her mumble something about teenagers being social butterflies, but I paid no attention. When I got back to my room, I picked up the phone off the pillow and put it to my ear.
“My mom says I can go, but I need a ride.” I said.
“I can pick you up. I just need your address.” He said. After giving him directions, which I somehow could remember now, I hung up the phone and went to pick out an outfit.
I soon found, as I picked through the clothes in my closet that anything I chose looked gray and dull compared to my memories of his sparkling eyes. Finally telling myself that I had to choose something or risk going in my undershirt I picked my favorite of all my choices. It was a long sleeve top with a square neckline and a deep violet floral design on it. I pulled out my favorite pair of jeans and slipped them on easily, noticing I had lost weight in the past few weeks. And a significant amount of weight at that. I shrugged it off and promised myself I would have a healthy-sized meal as soon as I got home from my outing with Matthew.
As I slipped on the top I had chosen over my head, I saw Matthew pull into the driveway. I realized how close he must’ve lived for him to have gotten here that fast. I grabbed my purse and headed out the door, locking the front door behind me. While I was turned around locking the door, I felt a small jerk on a back piece of my hair. I twirled around to see Matthew standing behind me, car keys in hand. I smiled.
“Hi Matthew.” I said.
“You can call me Matt.” He said, taking my hand in his and leading me down the ramp. He helped me into the passengers side of his truck and then hoisted himself into the drivers seat. He turned around in his seat and started to back out of the drive way, while I buckled my seatbelt. When he had backed out of the driveway and on to the street, he put the truck in drive and turned on the radio. I listened the song that was playing and started singing along softly.
“Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone…”
It was Monday morning when I hear the phone ring from the other room and ran to answer it. I picked it up and put it to my ear, ignoring the fact that we had caller ID.
“Hello?” I said, brushing a stray piece of hair out of my face from where I had run to get the phone. I smiled when I heard the voice on the other end of the phone.
“Hi, is this Ali?” He said.
“Speaking.” I said simply. I was lucky he couldn’t see me or he would’ve seen how red I was turning.
“Well, in that case, how are you, Cinderella?” He said. I heard him giggle of the other end of the phone.
“I’m doing very well, Prince Charming.” I said. I turned bright pink. I had not meant to say that out loud. He laughed on the other end of the phone.
“Charming? I’ll take that as a complement.” He said.
“Well, you should. You are charming.” I slapped my hand over my mouth. What was it about him that made me so crazy? Either I was gushing over him or I was blushing because of him. I couldn’t be around him without feeling like I really was Cinderella, twirling around like a princess at a ball. But really I was just a normal girl who couldn’t for the life her figure out why the prince had chosen her. His quiet laugh brought me back to reality.
“Well, thank you.” He said. “And I can’t think of one girl who fit’s the description of a princess like you do.” I blushed. I took the phone to my room and sat down on the bed.
“I’m not a princess.” I said shyly. “And I don’t deserve a prince.” I said.
“Well then how about me instead? What do you think of that?” He asked. I didn’t even hesitate to answer him.
“I’m definitely not complaining.” I said. He laughed on the other end of the phone, and I gave into the desire to laugh with him.
“Well that’s good.” He said. “I actually called to ask you a question.” He said. I noticed the same shyness in his voice that had been present in mine just seconds before.
“And what would that be?” I asked. I really had not the slightest idea what the question might be.
“Do you want to meet somewhere?” He asked. I was surprised by the question. I didn’t know where he lived, nor did he know my address. I couldn’t drive and there was nowhere I could think to go that wouldn’t be like a date. Then it clicked. Was he asking me out on a date?
“Where would we meet?” I asked, afraid to jump to conclusions. If he wasn’t asking me out on a date, I would feel completely stupid for suggesting it if I said anything.
“I was thinking we could just go to Starbucks or something. You know, get some coffee, hang out.” I started to think about it. It would be easy to get my mom to agree to the idea, and it might be fun to get to know him a little better. He interrupted my thoughts.
“We could just go as two friends hanging out at a coffee house. What do you say?” He said. I made up my mind quickly.
“I’d like that. Just let me ask my mom.” I set the phone down on my pillow and headed down the hall to my mom’s bedroom. When I got there, she was sitting in her wheelchair, watching television. “Mom,” I started. “Could I go out for a little while with a friend?” She looked over at me and got a serious look on her face. She was in one of her moods.
“Who with?” She said. “Where are you going and how long will you be gone?” I would be lucky if these were the only questions I had to answer.
“I’m going to Starbucks with a friend from church, and we’ll only be gone until about four o’ clock.” I said, hoping that would suffice. She thought carefully about it, or at least looked as though she was doing so.
“Okay, you can go, but don’t be home a minute after four.” She said. I smiled and ran back through the house to tell Matthew.
“Thank you.” I shouted over my shoulder as I left her room. I heard her mumble something about teenagers being social butterflies, but I paid no attention. When I got back to my room, I picked up the phone off the pillow and put it to my ear.
“My mom says I can go, but I need a ride.” I said.
“I can pick you up. I just need your address.” He said. After giving him directions, which I somehow could remember now, I hung up the phone and went to pick out an outfit.
I soon found, as I picked through the clothes in my closet that anything I chose looked gray and dull compared to my memories of his sparkling eyes. Finally telling myself that I had to choose something or risk going in my undershirt I picked my favorite of all my choices. It was a long sleeve top with a square neckline and a deep violet floral design on it. I pulled out my favorite pair of jeans and slipped them on easily, noticing I had lost weight in the past few weeks. And a significant amount of weight at that. I shrugged it off and promised myself I would have a healthy-sized meal as soon as I got home from my outing with Matthew.
As I slipped on the top I had chosen over my head, I saw Matthew pull into the driveway. I realized how close he must’ve lived for him to have gotten here that fast. I grabbed my purse and headed out the door, locking the front door behind me. While I was turned around locking the door, I felt a small jerk on a back piece of my hair. I twirled around to see Matthew standing behind me, car keys in hand. I smiled.
“Hi Matthew.” I said.
“You can call me Matt.” He said, taking my hand in his and leading me down the ramp. He helped me into the passengers side of his truck and then hoisted himself into the drivers seat. He turned around in his seat and started to back out of the drive way, while I buckled my seatbelt. When he had backed out of the driveway and on to the street, he put the truck in drive and turned on the radio. I listened the song that was playing and started singing along softly.
“Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone…”
For Now~Milly Callum
For Now
I looked down into the box and smiled. My sister was safe. I sat the box down on my bedside table and ran down the stairs. When I got out of the door, I tried, for the first time, to fly. As soon as I lifted off the ground, I felt a wonderful sensation that only floating on air can bring. I looked down and was amazed to see the ground slipping further and further away from me. I could hear my wings beating, but they were not at all hard to move, as I had expected.
I got to the throne of God in a much shorter time then I usually did, but I still preferred the slow, comfortable walk over the sensation of flying. It was like comparing swimming, to walking. No comparison could be made. You would want to walk some places and swim others. But I still enjoyed the feel of warm sand on my feet when I landed.
I ran to God and threw my arms around his neck. “Thank you.” I said. “I know you’ll keep them safe.” He ran his hand over my hair in a comforting way.
“Yes, they will be safe. I will be with them.” He said, stroking my back as I held onto his shoulders. “I have never left their side.”
I held him tighter. I could almost feel him holding me together like glue; like everything I had every wanted, and everything I had ever needed, but nothing I hadn’t.
“Good times are coming and bad times are coming and through it all I will be with them.” I pulled away from him until I could see his face.
“What do you mean ‘bad times’?” I asked. I didn’t understand what he meant, but I knew he wouldn’t be telling me unless it was important.
“There is suffering on earth between your friends. You know this. They are sad because they think that they have lost you. I am with them, but if they do not trust in me, I can do nothing.” He said. I was almost to the point of tears. I could not imagine my friends suffering more than they already had.
“Haven’t they suffered enough because of me?” I asked. “Can’t you help them?” It felt strange to be questioning what God was saying, but he stayed calm.
“I’ve told you, if they do not trust me, I can do nothing.” I didn’t believe what I was hearing, even given the lips the words were coming from.
“But they have the strongest faith of anyone I know. How could they not trust you?” I asked.
“Sometimes in the hardest of times, their human faith is not enough.” He explained. “You can remember those times, I’m sure. The times when you wanted to desperately to trust in me, but couldn’t find the strength to even trust in yourself.” I nodded and tilted my head down. I knew exactly what he meant. I had spent about three years of my life like that. I couldn’t trust anyone, including myself, so I hid from everyone. That was when I had first come to the church. I hadn’t known anyone. For about two years, all I did was hide in the shadows convinced I didn’t need anyone but my sisters and my God. He had always come through for me before and I didn’t see any reason he would let me down now.
But I prayed. I begged. I pleaded with Him to do something, anything. Nothing seemed to get better. My dad got more and more violent. Lisa turned into someone I could hardly recognize anymore. My mom experienced fear I wouldn’t wish upon anyone, ever. Then I met Tod. I remembered the night I realized that he was one of the people I needed in my life. I went home that night feeling like I could do anything. But my family was having a rough week and I started sink right back into what I had lived with for the past three years. Then I saw Tod again on Wednesday night, and it happened all over again. It was like nothing had changed between us. My life had some ups and some downs, and I went from on top of the world to rock bottom and back again. The low points taught me lessons, and the high points kept me sane. All because of Tod Belle. It was then that I asked a question I hadn’t really given much thought to.
“Why did you send me Tod?” I asked. “I didn’t deserve someone like him. I didn’t deserve him.” I looked up so that I could see his expression. It was caring and almost sympathetic.
“Because you needed him.” He said simply. “He was the only thing that kept your faith,” He paused. “And your life.” I thought about this claim.
“But don’t you hold my life in the palm of your hand. How could Tod have kept it?” I asked, confused.
“I hold your eternal life. Tod kept your from going through with what you’d planned that January.” I didn’t need any explanation of that. I remembered that January. I had been so scared. I had given up hope, and I was about to give up my life. But things changed when I met Tod, that was for certain. He had changed my life for the better every day I saw him. He had taken me from where I was in January to my last night with him. I took just a moment to remember that night.
It was a Wednesday night and we were late, as usual. When I got into the youth room, Tod was already there waiting for me.
“Hey Milly!” He said excitedly as I entered the youth room. “Wanna play some ping-pong?” He asked, already handing me the paddle.
“Sure.” I said, taking the paddle in my hand. We walked over to the ping-pong table where Ali and Niki were already standing, talking about\a book or something. He hit the ping-pong ball first and I hit it back. We kept up a steady stream of conversation as we played.
“So, are you going to the Williams’ house Saturday for the movie night?” He asked, hitting the ball at an angle where it nearly hit me in the head. I blocked it with my paddle.
“Yeah, are you?” I asked. I hit the ball and it bounced off of the table. Tod bent over to pick it up and continued the game.
“Yep. I heard we’re watching “The Princess Bride.” That’s such a girly movie. There aren’t any exploding cars.” He said, laughing and managing to hit the ball so that it smacked me on the head. “DOUBLE POINTS!” He yelled loudly, picking up the ball from where it had landed. I laughed with him.
The scene faded and I realized that I was once again standing in front of God, and Tod was nowhere near me. He was back on earth with the rest of my friends. I suddenly remembered what God had said about them.
“Is there any way I can stop their suffering?” I asked. “Is their anything I can do to help them?”
“It is not what you can do now, but what you did then.” He said. “Do you believe the love you gave them on earth will be enough until you see them again?” He asked. It was a simple question, but I couldn’t formulate an answer. It was then that I realized what he wanted me to say.
“It’s not the love I gave them that they need right now. It’s the love I keep giving them.” He smiled.
“That is true on earth, but not here. Once you are here, the love you gave them is all they have from you. You can give them nothing more than what you already have. Do you understand?” I understood. The love I gave them would have to be enough. For now.
I looked down into the box and smiled. My sister was safe. I sat the box down on my bedside table and ran down the stairs. When I got out of the door, I tried, for the first time, to fly. As soon as I lifted off the ground, I felt a wonderful sensation that only floating on air can bring. I looked down and was amazed to see the ground slipping further and further away from me. I could hear my wings beating, but they were not at all hard to move, as I had expected.
I got to the throne of God in a much shorter time then I usually did, but I still preferred the slow, comfortable walk over the sensation of flying. It was like comparing swimming, to walking. No comparison could be made. You would want to walk some places and swim others. But I still enjoyed the feel of warm sand on my feet when I landed.
I ran to God and threw my arms around his neck. “Thank you.” I said. “I know you’ll keep them safe.” He ran his hand over my hair in a comforting way.
“Yes, they will be safe. I will be with them.” He said, stroking my back as I held onto his shoulders. “I have never left their side.”
I held him tighter. I could almost feel him holding me together like glue; like everything I had every wanted, and everything I had ever needed, but nothing I hadn’t.
“Good times are coming and bad times are coming and through it all I will be with them.” I pulled away from him until I could see his face.
“What do you mean ‘bad times’?” I asked. I didn’t understand what he meant, but I knew he wouldn’t be telling me unless it was important.
“There is suffering on earth between your friends. You know this. They are sad because they think that they have lost you. I am with them, but if they do not trust in me, I can do nothing.” He said. I was almost to the point of tears. I could not imagine my friends suffering more than they already had.
“Haven’t they suffered enough because of me?” I asked. “Can’t you help them?” It felt strange to be questioning what God was saying, but he stayed calm.
“I’ve told you, if they do not trust me, I can do nothing.” I didn’t believe what I was hearing, even given the lips the words were coming from.
“But they have the strongest faith of anyone I know. How could they not trust you?” I asked.
“Sometimes in the hardest of times, their human faith is not enough.” He explained. “You can remember those times, I’m sure. The times when you wanted to desperately to trust in me, but couldn’t find the strength to even trust in yourself.” I nodded and tilted my head down. I knew exactly what he meant. I had spent about three years of my life like that. I couldn’t trust anyone, including myself, so I hid from everyone. That was when I had first come to the church. I hadn’t known anyone. For about two years, all I did was hide in the shadows convinced I didn’t need anyone but my sisters and my God. He had always come through for me before and I didn’t see any reason he would let me down now.
But I prayed. I begged. I pleaded with Him to do something, anything. Nothing seemed to get better. My dad got more and more violent. Lisa turned into someone I could hardly recognize anymore. My mom experienced fear I wouldn’t wish upon anyone, ever. Then I met Tod. I remembered the night I realized that he was one of the people I needed in my life. I went home that night feeling like I could do anything. But my family was having a rough week and I started sink right back into what I had lived with for the past three years. Then I saw Tod again on Wednesday night, and it happened all over again. It was like nothing had changed between us. My life had some ups and some downs, and I went from on top of the world to rock bottom and back again. The low points taught me lessons, and the high points kept me sane. All because of Tod Belle. It was then that I asked a question I hadn’t really given much thought to.
“Why did you send me Tod?” I asked. “I didn’t deserve someone like him. I didn’t deserve him.” I looked up so that I could see his expression. It was caring and almost sympathetic.
“Because you needed him.” He said simply. “He was the only thing that kept your faith,” He paused. “And your life.” I thought about this claim.
“But don’t you hold my life in the palm of your hand. How could Tod have kept it?” I asked, confused.
“I hold your eternal life. Tod kept your from going through with what you’d planned that January.” I didn’t need any explanation of that. I remembered that January. I had been so scared. I had given up hope, and I was about to give up my life. But things changed when I met Tod, that was for certain. He had changed my life for the better every day I saw him. He had taken me from where I was in January to my last night with him. I took just a moment to remember that night.
It was a Wednesday night and we were late, as usual. When I got into the youth room, Tod was already there waiting for me.
“Hey Milly!” He said excitedly as I entered the youth room. “Wanna play some ping-pong?” He asked, already handing me the paddle.
“Sure.” I said, taking the paddle in my hand. We walked over to the ping-pong table where Ali and Niki were already standing, talking about\a book or something. He hit the ping-pong ball first and I hit it back. We kept up a steady stream of conversation as we played.
“So, are you going to the Williams’ house Saturday for the movie night?” He asked, hitting the ball at an angle where it nearly hit me in the head. I blocked it with my paddle.
“Yeah, are you?” I asked. I hit the ball and it bounced off of the table. Tod bent over to pick it up and continued the game.
“Yep. I heard we’re watching “The Princess Bride.” That’s such a girly movie. There aren’t any exploding cars.” He said, laughing and managing to hit the ball so that it smacked me on the head. “DOUBLE POINTS!” He yelled loudly, picking up the ball from where it had landed. I laughed with him.
The scene faded and I realized that I was once again standing in front of God, and Tod was nowhere near me. He was back on earth with the rest of my friends. I suddenly remembered what God had said about them.
“Is there any way I can stop their suffering?” I asked. “Is their anything I can do to help them?”
“It is not what you can do now, but what you did then.” He said. “Do you believe the love you gave them on earth will be enough until you see them again?” He asked. It was a simple question, but I couldn’t formulate an answer. It was then that I realized what he wanted me to say.
“It’s not the love I gave them that they need right now. It’s the love I keep giving them.” He smiled.
“That is true on earth, but not here. Once you are here, the love you gave them is all they have from you. You can give them nothing more than what you already have. Do you understand?” I understood. The love I gave them would have to be enough. For now.
Rest~Lisa Callum
Rest
I spent the rest of the day just laying in my bed. I didn’t even have the strength to play the piano anymore. I was jaded. I was just too exhausted to do anything. Cassy stayed in my room and talked to me for a little while before I drifted to sleep.
The first think I remember when I woke up was my mom sitting beside my bed crying. I looked up at her, but she didn’t face me.
“Mom, what’s wrong? What happened?” I asked, trying to hide the roughness that remained in my voice. She looked over at me.
“I’m so sorry, Lisa. I didn’t know he was going to hurt you. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I should’ve stood up to him when he came in the house.” I was shocked.
“You didn’t invite him?” I asked. She shook her head and looked down at the floor.
“Lisa, I should’ve stopped him. I didn’t want him to get anywhere near you. I just-” She stopped and a sob made her shoulders shake. I wrapped my arms around her, trying to comfort her.
“No. None of this is your fault. There was no way you could’ve known what he’d do.” She shook her head.
“But I did, Lisa. I didn’t have to know exactly he’d do. I know him.” She protested. “I should have stopped him.” She sat silent for the longest time. Finally she spoke. “I know how he hurt you, Lisa.” I turned to look at her, shocked. Tears were steadily filling my eyes.
“How?” I whispered. If I had been close to fainting any time before now, I would surely collapse now. But I steadied myself. I needed to know.
“I knew he was sneaking out of the bed at night and going to your room. Then the morning after, you always had this terrified look on your face.” She took a shaky breath. “It killed me inside, but…but I was scared. I didn’t know what I could do to help you.” She put her face in her hands so that when she spoke, it was barely audible, even though I was sitting right next to her. “You were so young.”
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to burden her any more by telling her how much he’d hurt me. But I didn’t know just how long I could keep it inside either.
“He hurt me so bad. I didn’t want to grow up that fast. I didn’t want it.” I said, letting myself fall into her comforting arms.
“Oh Lisa,” She said. “You don’t have to be scared anymore. He can’t touch you.” I pulled away.
“What do you mean? He can come in here any time he wants. You saw that today.” I said.
“Lisa, I’m getting a restraining order.” She said it so matter-of-factly that it scared me. She sounded serious, and she wasn’t one to joke at a time like this.
“You are?” I asked. She nodded.
“I don’t want him anywhere near us, Lisa. This way, he won’t be. We won’t have to worry about him anymore.” I tried to imagine a world where I wouldn’t have to be afraid of my own father. I threw my arms around my mother’s neck.
“Thank you.” I whispered in her ear. She patted me on the back and we just sat the for the longest time, me in her arms and her holding me tightly and letting me forget everything about my past. And for the first time in a long time, I felt like I had hope for the future.
I spent the rest of the day just laying in my bed. I didn’t even have the strength to play the piano anymore. I was jaded. I was just too exhausted to do anything. Cassy stayed in my room and talked to me for a little while before I drifted to sleep.
The first think I remember when I woke up was my mom sitting beside my bed crying. I looked up at her, but she didn’t face me.
“Mom, what’s wrong? What happened?” I asked, trying to hide the roughness that remained in my voice. She looked over at me.
“I’m so sorry, Lisa. I didn’t know he was going to hurt you. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I should’ve stood up to him when he came in the house.” I was shocked.
“You didn’t invite him?” I asked. She shook her head and looked down at the floor.
“Lisa, I should’ve stopped him. I didn’t want him to get anywhere near you. I just-” She stopped and a sob made her shoulders shake. I wrapped my arms around her, trying to comfort her.
“No. None of this is your fault. There was no way you could’ve known what he’d do.” She shook her head.
“But I did, Lisa. I didn’t have to know exactly he’d do. I know him.” She protested. “I should have stopped him.” She sat silent for the longest time. Finally she spoke. “I know how he hurt you, Lisa.” I turned to look at her, shocked. Tears were steadily filling my eyes.
“How?” I whispered. If I had been close to fainting any time before now, I would surely collapse now. But I steadied myself. I needed to know.
“I knew he was sneaking out of the bed at night and going to your room. Then the morning after, you always had this terrified look on your face.” She took a shaky breath. “It killed me inside, but…but I was scared. I didn’t know what I could do to help you.” She put her face in her hands so that when she spoke, it was barely audible, even though I was sitting right next to her. “You were so young.”
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to burden her any more by telling her how much he’d hurt me. But I didn’t know just how long I could keep it inside either.
“He hurt me so bad. I didn’t want to grow up that fast. I didn’t want it.” I said, letting myself fall into her comforting arms.
“Oh Lisa,” She said. “You don’t have to be scared anymore. He can’t touch you.” I pulled away.
“What do you mean? He can come in here any time he wants. You saw that today.” I said.
“Lisa, I’m getting a restraining order.” She said it so matter-of-factly that it scared me. She sounded serious, and she wasn’t one to joke at a time like this.
“You are?” I asked. She nodded.
“I don’t want him anywhere near us, Lisa. This way, he won’t be. We won’t have to worry about him anymore.” I tried to imagine a world where I wouldn’t have to be afraid of my own father. I threw my arms around my mother’s neck.
“Thank you.” I whispered in her ear. She patted me on the back and we just sat the for the longest time, me in her arms and her holding me tightly and letting me forget everything about my past. And for the first time in a long time, I felt like I had hope for the future.
At Peace~Niki Belle
At Peace
I came down the stairs and into the living room, looking for Tod. He hadn’t been in his room when I went to look for him and he wasn’t anywhere upstairs for that matter.
“Tod?” I yelled through the house. I didn’t hear any response or any movement. No one else was in the house, or I would’ve asked them where he was. I looked on the coffee table for a note he could’ve left or anything really that would’ve helped me figure out where he was.
Finally, I came to the back door. It was open a crack, but it hadn’t been that way earlier today. I smiled. So that’s what the conversation in my room the other day had been about. He was trying to decide to go on with his project or not. He had chosen to go through with it.
“Glad I could help.” I whispered at the door.
I sat down on the couch and started reading one of my old Brio magazines. I came to an article about a girl that was grieving because of the recent death of her sister. I closed the magazine, unable to read any more. I couldn’t explain how, but the words hurt me. I looked out the door to see Tod walking toward the house smiling, and I put the magazine on the table in front of me.
When I tried to think of why I had been looking for him in the first place, I couldn’t remember what I wanted to tell him, if anything. When he finally walked through the door, I could only think of one thing to do. I ran over to him and gave him a huge hug. I had expected to feel him pull away, but instead I felt him hug me back. It was nice, but I was confused. He usually didn’t like hugs.
“What are you so happy about?” He asked when I finally let him go. My only response was to hug him again. This time, he did pull away.
“Gosh, enough hugs already!” He said. He was smiling.
“Fine,” I said. “Keep pretending you don’t like them.” I smiled. He shook his head and continued past me and up the stairs. When he was out of sight, I sat down on the couch and started praying out loud.
“Thank you God, for helping Tod find peace about Milly’s death, and for helping me stay strong through all of this.” I paused. “And thank you for hugs” I said.
I came down the stairs and into the living room, looking for Tod. He hadn’t been in his room when I went to look for him and he wasn’t anywhere upstairs for that matter.
“Tod?” I yelled through the house. I didn’t hear any response or any movement. No one else was in the house, or I would’ve asked them where he was. I looked on the coffee table for a note he could’ve left or anything really that would’ve helped me figure out where he was.
Finally, I came to the back door. It was open a crack, but it hadn’t been that way earlier today. I smiled. So that’s what the conversation in my room the other day had been about. He was trying to decide to go on with his project or not. He had chosen to go through with it.
“Glad I could help.” I whispered at the door.
I sat down on the couch and started reading one of my old Brio magazines. I came to an article about a girl that was grieving because of the recent death of her sister. I closed the magazine, unable to read any more. I couldn’t explain how, but the words hurt me. I looked out the door to see Tod walking toward the house smiling, and I put the magazine on the table in front of me.
When I tried to think of why I had been looking for him in the first place, I couldn’t remember what I wanted to tell him, if anything. When he finally walked through the door, I could only think of one thing to do. I ran over to him and gave him a huge hug. I had expected to feel him pull away, but instead I felt him hug me back. It was nice, but I was confused. He usually didn’t like hugs.
“What are you so happy about?” He asked when I finally let him go. My only response was to hug him again. This time, he did pull away.
“Gosh, enough hugs already!” He said. He was smiling.
“Fine,” I said. “Keep pretending you don’t like them.” I smiled. He shook his head and continued past me and up the stairs. When he was out of sight, I sat down on the couch and started praying out loud.
“Thank you God, for helping Tod find peace about Milly’s death, and for helping me stay strong through all of this.” I paused. “And thank you for hugs” I said.
Secret Heart
Secret Heart
I looked back over my shoulder just to make sure no one was following me. This was the first time I had gone to the tree ever since Dad caught me sneaking out on Monday. This time I was much more confident. It was one o’ clock in the afternoon. He couldn’t punish me for going out at one o’ clock in the afternoon, but I still didn’t want him knowing about it. After seeing the way he’d acted when I told him about my project, I would be reluctant to tell him anything.
When I was finally in the clearing, I looked back one more time and was relieved to see that I was the only one standing in the woods for as far as I could see. I knew Milly was here, of course, but other than that, there was no one. I knelt down beside the tree. This was it. I was going to do this one little thing, and I was never going to change a thing. It would be our little secret, Milly’s and mine. To everyone else, it would just look like a heart carved in a tree. They would never know what was hidden beneath the layer of bark and wood.
I took out my pocket knife and pried the shape out of the tree. I reached into my pocket and slowly pulled out the perfectly folded note that I had written. I tucked it into the indent in the tree and replaced the heart shaped piece. I stood up and surveyed my work. I smiled. It was perfect. No one would ever suspect there was a note behind the perfectly carved heart. I sat back against a tree opposite the one I had carved and let myself drift back to one last memory.
We were standing out at the pavilion, and I was watching my breath come out in little white puffs, and laughing as they got larger and larger. Milly laughed as she watched my mouth widen in my quest to blow a huge white breath and blow it into Niki's face.
"Sooooo," I said mischievously.
"What?" She asked, still laughing as my mouth widened as far as it would go.
"It’s your birthday soon, right?"
"Yeah," She said wondering where I was going with this. "Why?"
"‘Cuz I know what I’m getting for you!"
She sighed. "Tod! You’re going to torture me about it, aren’t you?"
"Yep." Yep said, half laughing as I saw her frustrated expression.
"Yeah, my dad and I are going to the mall tomorrow, and then . . ."
"Tod!"
" . . . I’m going to that one store and getting that one thing . . ."
"Tod!"
" . . . And then I’ll wrap it in that one color that you like . . ."
"TOD!"
"Okay, okay!" I said with a laugh. "I won’t tell you!"
"Good!" She said, amused.
But after a few minutes of blowing my breath into Lisa’s face, I started again.
‘I just know it’s going to be perfect!" I said. "It’ll be white, cause white goes with everything, plus you said that the white ones were your favorites . . ."
"Tod Jeremy Belle, what am I going to do with you?!" She said, exasperated.
"Absolutely nothing! I like myself right where I am, thank you!" I said with a laugh.
That had been only a few weeks before her fourteenth birthday. I had given her a ring with a white horse on it. The day after her birthday, I had seen her wearing the ring. I though back, trying to remember even once when I had seen her without the ring on. I couldn’t think of a single time. I wondered if she had worn the ring because I was the one that gave it to her, or just because she liked the ring. I sighed. There was no use in torturing myself about it.
My attention turned back to the heart I had carved in the tree what now seemed like ages ago. I smiled as a thought came to my mind. This heart would never break.
I looked back over my shoulder just to make sure no one was following me. This was the first time I had gone to the tree ever since Dad caught me sneaking out on Monday. This time I was much more confident. It was one o’ clock in the afternoon. He couldn’t punish me for going out at one o’ clock in the afternoon, but I still didn’t want him knowing about it. After seeing the way he’d acted when I told him about my project, I would be reluctant to tell him anything.
When I was finally in the clearing, I looked back one more time and was relieved to see that I was the only one standing in the woods for as far as I could see. I knew Milly was here, of course, but other than that, there was no one. I knelt down beside the tree. This was it. I was going to do this one little thing, and I was never going to change a thing. It would be our little secret, Milly’s and mine. To everyone else, it would just look like a heart carved in a tree. They would never know what was hidden beneath the layer of bark and wood.
I took out my pocket knife and pried the shape out of the tree. I reached into my pocket and slowly pulled out the perfectly folded note that I had written. I tucked it into the indent in the tree and replaced the heart shaped piece. I stood up and surveyed my work. I smiled. It was perfect. No one would ever suspect there was a note behind the perfectly carved heart. I sat back against a tree opposite the one I had carved and let myself drift back to one last memory.
We were standing out at the pavilion, and I was watching my breath come out in little white puffs, and laughing as they got larger and larger. Milly laughed as she watched my mouth widen in my quest to blow a huge white breath and blow it into Niki's face.
"Sooooo," I said mischievously.
"What?" She asked, still laughing as my mouth widened as far as it would go.
"It’s your birthday soon, right?"
"Yeah," She said wondering where I was going with this. "Why?"
"‘Cuz I know what I’m getting for you!"
She sighed. "Tod! You’re going to torture me about it, aren’t you?"
"Yep." Yep said, half laughing as I saw her frustrated expression.
"Yeah, my dad and I are going to the mall tomorrow, and then . . ."
"Tod!"
" . . . I’m going to that one store and getting that one thing . . ."
"Tod!"
" . . . And then I’ll wrap it in that one color that you like . . ."
"TOD!"
"Okay, okay!" I said with a laugh. "I won’t tell you!"
"Good!" She said, amused.
But after a few minutes of blowing my breath into Lisa’s face, I started again.
‘I just know it’s going to be perfect!" I said. "It’ll be white, cause white goes with everything, plus you said that the white ones were your favorites . . ."
"Tod Jeremy Belle, what am I going to do with you?!" She said, exasperated.
"Absolutely nothing! I like myself right where I am, thank you!" I said with a laugh.
That had been only a few weeks before her fourteenth birthday. I had given her a ring with a white horse on it. The day after her birthday, I had seen her wearing the ring. I though back, trying to remember even once when I had seen her without the ring on. I couldn’t think of a single time. I wondered if she had worn the ring because I was the one that gave it to her, or just because she liked the ring. I sighed. There was no use in torturing myself about it.
My attention turned back to the heart I had carved in the tree what now seemed like ages ago. I smiled as a thought came to my mind. This heart would never break.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Cinderella~Ali Cummings
Cinderella
I sat through the rest of the church service silently, occasionally scribbling notes to Matthew on my notebook. “How did you learn to dance like that?” I wrote. I handed him the pencil and the notebook.
“I take a ballroom dance class every other week. You should come.” He wrote back. His writing somehow amazed me. It was neat, but it had a certain fun edge about it. My handwriting paled in comparison.
“What time?” I wrote, not even considering the fact that I might need a ride. When I handed him the notebook to answer, he grabbed it from the side I was holding it on, brushing my hand in the process. I looked up to see if he had done this on purpose, and when I saw his face, he was smiling. I blushed and turned my head down as he wrote his answer.
“It’s at 6 o’ clock ever other Friday. We have class this week. Can you come?” When I glanced at his face, it was filled with hope. I quickly wrote my answer.
“Yes.” I passed the notebook back to him, and I could almost hear him smile beside me. I heard the scratch of the pencil and then I felt the notebook in my hand. I read his response.
“Good. I like dancing with you.” I smiled and wrote on the piece of paper we were steadily filling up.
“I like dancing with you too.” I almost erased it, but I let myself hand him the notebook. He read it and wrote down something I couldn’t make out from where his arm was. Finally he handed me the notebook. His response was at least a paragraph from what I could see. I started reading.
“I can’t wait until Friday. I have so many dances I want to show you. I can show you the Cha-cha and the Swing and the Waltz and the Foxtrot. Anyway, I’m rambling. We should probably listen to the service. I’ll talk to you afterwards. You’re fun to talk to. And you’re definitely not as crazy as some of the people I’ve heard about.” He had skipped a line and drawn a picture of two people dancing. I smiled. I could almost see the figures moving. I read the writing under the picture.
“P.S. You’re a great dancer.” I smiled and tucked the notebook into my notebook. When I looked back up at him, he was looking at the pastor. I tried to do the same, but my mind absolutely would not let me focus.
After the service, Matthew and I walked out to the front of the church and sat on the front steps. I was perfectly willing to sit with him, but it somehow scared me to death as well. I didn’t like being along with boys; that was just a fear. When we started talking, the fear lessened slightly, but it didn’t disappear completely.
“What did you think of the service?” I asked. This probably wasn’t the best question, seeing as I didn’t remember much of it.
“To be perfectly honest, I couldn’t focus.” He said. “But it wasn’t boring.” He corrected himself. He smiled and I said a silent thanks to God that I was sitting down.
“Yeah, I didn’t really hear that much of it either.” I said. “Do you think you could teach me any more dances?” I asked. His face lit up.
“Yeah. I know a bunch of ‘em.” He took hold of my wrist and helped me stand. “Come on. I’ll teach you the swing.” He said, leading me down the steps and into the front lawn of the church. I knew the way myself, but I liked the feeling of my hand in his.
When we got to a patch of grass in the front of the church, he spun me around to face him and he took both of my hands. “Okay, the Swing is the first dance we learned at the class. All you have to do is step with your right foot like this.” He demonstrated the step by moving his left foot, and I copied him with my right. “Then you move your left foot the same way.” This time, we stepped at the same time. I took my eyes off of my feet for a second and looked up at him. He was smiling and my knees almost buckled.
“Then you just rock back on your right foot like this.” Again, we did the step at the same time. “Then you just keep going like that, and that’s the basic step.” He said. I looked up at him.
“That’s it?” I asked. “That’s nothing like what I thought it would be.” I said. Truthfully, it hadn’t been. I hadn’t planned for the fact that I could still dance even when all I could focus on was his smile and his eyes.
“Did you expect it to be hard?” He asked, laughing. I laughed along with him.
“Not hard, just, more steps.” I said. We danced for another fifteen minutes, and I was perfectly happy. We spent the most time with the Waltz. I liked standing close to him and twirling around with his hand on my waist. It made me feel like a princess.
Suddenly, I heard a car horn from behind me. I turned to see my fathers gold truck sitting in the parking lot. From where I was standing, I could see him inside the truck beckoning me with his hand. I turned back to Matthew who was staring at the truck as well.
“I’m so sorry. I have to go.” I said, turning to run to the truck. I picked up my purse and started to walk quickly over in the direction of the truck. When I was halfway to the truck, I heard his voice from behind me.
“Hey Cinderella, leave your shoe so I can find you!” He called. I turned back to look at him, and then looked back to the truck. I took a small notebook from my purse and a pen and scribbled my phone number and e-mail address on a piece of paper. I tore it out and folded it in half. On the outside, I simply wrote “Cinderella.”
I called back to him, “I’m afraid I need my shoe, but you can have this.” I placed the paper on the ground and ran to the truck. As we pulled out of the parking lot, I saw Matthew picking up the paper and reading it. The last thing I saw as we drove away was him smiling and putting the piece of paper in his pocket. I turned forward in my seat and smiled. I couldn’t wait until Friday.
I sat through the rest of the church service silently, occasionally scribbling notes to Matthew on my notebook. “How did you learn to dance like that?” I wrote. I handed him the pencil and the notebook.
“I take a ballroom dance class every other week. You should come.” He wrote back. His writing somehow amazed me. It was neat, but it had a certain fun edge about it. My handwriting paled in comparison.
“What time?” I wrote, not even considering the fact that I might need a ride. When I handed him the notebook to answer, he grabbed it from the side I was holding it on, brushing my hand in the process. I looked up to see if he had done this on purpose, and when I saw his face, he was smiling. I blushed and turned my head down as he wrote his answer.
“It’s at 6 o’ clock ever other Friday. We have class this week. Can you come?” When I glanced at his face, it was filled with hope. I quickly wrote my answer.
“Yes.” I passed the notebook back to him, and I could almost hear him smile beside me. I heard the scratch of the pencil and then I felt the notebook in my hand. I read his response.
“Good. I like dancing with you.” I smiled and wrote on the piece of paper we were steadily filling up.
“I like dancing with you too.” I almost erased it, but I let myself hand him the notebook. He read it and wrote down something I couldn’t make out from where his arm was. Finally he handed me the notebook. His response was at least a paragraph from what I could see. I started reading.
“I can’t wait until Friday. I have so many dances I want to show you. I can show you the Cha-cha and the Swing and the Waltz and the Foxtrot. Anyway, I’m rambling. We should probably listen to the service. I’ll talk to you afterwards. You’re fun to talk to. And you’re definitely not as crazy as some of the people I’ve heard about.” He had skipped a line and drawn a picture of two people dancing. I smiled. I could almost see the figures moving. I read the writing under the picture.
“P.S. You’re a great dancer.” I smiled and tucked the notebook into my notebook. When I looked back up at him, he was looking at the pastor. I tried to do the same, but my mind absolutely would not let me focus.
After the service, Matthew and I walked out to the front of the church and sat on the front steps. I was perfectly willing to sit with him, but it somehow scared me to death as well. I didn’t like being along with boys; that was just a fear. When we started talking, the fear lessened slightly, but it didn’t disappear completely.
“What did you think of the service?” I asked. This probably wasn’t the best question, seeing as I didn’t remember much of it.
“To be perfectly honest, I couldn’t focus.” He said. “But it wasn’t boring.” He corrected himself. He smiled and I said a silent thanks to God that I was sitting down.
“Yeah, I didn’t really hear that much of it either.” I said. “Do you think you could teach me any more dances?” I asked. His face lit up.
“Yeah. I know a bunch of ‘em.” He took hold of my wrist and helped me stand. “Come on. I’ll teach you the swing.” He said, leading me down the steps and into the front lawn of the church. I knew the way myself, but I liked the feeling of my hand in his.
When we got to a patch of grass in the front of the church, he spun me around to face him and he took both of my hands. “Okay, the Swing is the first dance we learned at the class. All you have to do is step with your right foot like this.” He demonstrated the step by moving his left foot, and I copied him with my right. “Then you move your left foot the same way.” This time, we stepped at the same time. I took my eyes off of my feet for a second and looked up at him. He was smiling and my knees almost buckled.
“Then you just rock back on your right foot like this.” Again, we did the step at the same time. “Then you just keep going like that, and that’s the basic step.” He said. I looked up at him.
“That’s it?” I asked. “That’s nothing like what I thought it would be.” I said. Truthfully, it hadn’t been. I hadn’t planned for the fact that I could still dance even when all I could focus on was his smile and his eyes.
“Did you expect it to be hard?” He asked, laughing. I laughed along with him.
“Not hard, just, more steps.” I said. We danced for another fifteen minutes, and I was perfectly happy. We spent the most time with the Waltz. I liked standing close to him and twirling around with his hand on my waist. It made me feel like a princess.
Suddenly, I heard a car horn from behind me. I turned to see my fathers gold truck sitting in the parking lot. From where I was standing, I could see him inside the truck beckoning me with his hand. I turned back to Matthew who was staring at the truck as well.
“I’m so sorry. I have to go.” I said, turning to run to the truck. I picked up my purse and started to walk quickly over in the direction of the truck. When I was halfway to the truck, I heard his voice from behind me.
“Hey Cinderella, leave your shoe so I can find you!” He called. I turned back to look at him, and then looked back to the truck. I took a small notebook from my purse and a pen and scribbled my phone number and e-mail address on a piece of paper. I tore it out and folded it in half. On the outside, I simply wrote “Cinderella.”
I called back to him, “I’m afraid I need my shoe, but you can have this.” I placed the paper on the ground and ran to the truck. As we pulled out of the parking lot, I saw Matthew picking up the paper and reading it. The last thing I saw as we drove away was him smiling and putting the piece of paper in his pocket. I turned forward in my seat and smiled. I couldn’t wait until Friday.
Even sisters~Lisa Callum
Even sisters
“What are you doing here?” I asked, stunned that he would be anywhere near the house, much less in my room.
“Now is that any way to greet your father? I haven’t seen you in months.” He said. I’d preferred it that way, but I was smart enough not to say anything like that. Not that I wanted to say anything period.
“What are you doing here?” I said, with a little more force than the first time.
“I’m helping your mother move some things out of the attic. Aren’t you happy to see me?” He said, as if he expected this to be the happiest day of my life just because he showed up at my door.
“Oh.” I couldn’t think of anything better to say. I realized then that Mom must not have told him about my seizures, or else he would’ve been hanging over my shoulder telling me the exact opposite of what my mother would say. I could hear him now. There would be ‘Now come on, you’re just a little woozy.’ and ‘you don’t need those pills, you’re perfectly fine.’ My father was the kind of person that didn’t believe in modern medicine. He always thought that whatever happened wasn’t a big deal, al least medically, but if it hurt him in some way, it couldn’t be a more serious matter.
“Are you gonna say hello or not?” He asked. I could see he was getting slightly agitated with my lack of what he considered a proper greeting.
“Hi.” I said, my venomous tone overpowering the cordial tiding. Either he didn’t notice or he was purposely ignoring my not so subtle hatred for him.
“Now that’s more like it. Now how about a handshake. That won’t be so hard will it?” He held out his hand for me to shake. I didn’t think about what I was about to say.
“I’d rather not.” I said. He came back with no effort to hide his aggravation.
“What was that? You can’t even give your father a proper greeting? Haven’t I taught you any manners at all?” He was almost shouting, but I continued without thinking.
“The only decent manners I learned, I sure didn’t learn from you.” I mumbled under my breath, trying my best not to move my lips. I didn’t mean for him to hear it, but I obviously didn’t do a good enough job of hiding it.
“What?” He yelled. He stepped over to the piano before I had the chance to stand, towering over me. It was then that I heard someone at the doorway of my room.
“GET AWAY FROM HER!!” I heard a teary voice from the door. I couldn’t recognize the voice, but I assumed my mother had come to my rescue. My father turned to face the person, blocking my view of the door. It must have been my mother, because when my father saw the person in the doorway, he ran past her and down the hallway. I hung my head and put my hands in my lap, refusing to look at my mother. I let myself cry softly and I expected my mothers arms to wrap around me and comfort me. Instead I saw a small hand rest on my own and I looked up to see Cassy’s tear-stained face.
“Are you hurt?” She asked. I wanted desperately to tell her yes. I wanted to tell her how he’d hurt me so long ago, but I knew she wouldn’t understand. She didn’t know what rape was, and I didn’t want to make her hurt the way I had been hurt, by being forced to grow up faster than she should have to. I just cried. I didn’t know what I could tell her that wouldn’t end up hurting her too. So I just cried.
“Did he hurt you?” I shook my head, but inside I knew. He had hurt me more than I could tell anyone; even my sisters.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, stunned that he would be anywhere near the house, much less in my room.
“Now is that any way to greet your father? I haven’t seen you in months.” He said. I’d preferred it that way, but I was smart enough not to say anything like that. Not that I wanted to say anything period.
“What are you doing here?” I said, with a little more force than the first time.
“I’m helping your mother move some things out of the attic. Aren’t you happy to see me?” He said, as if he expected this to be the happiest day of my life just because he showed up at my door.
“Oh.” I couldn’t think of anything better to say. I realized then that Mom must not have told him about my seizures, or else he would’ve been hanging over my shoulder telling me the exact opposite of what my mother would say. I could hear him now. There would be ‘Now come on, you’re just a little woozy.’ and ‘you don’t need those pills, you’re perfectly fine.’ My father was the kind of person that didn’t believe in modern medicine. He always thought that whatever happened wasn’t a big deal, al least medically, but if it hurt him in some way, it couldn’t be a more serious matter.
“Are you gonna say hello or not?” He asked. I could see he was getting slightly agitated with my lack of what he considered a proper greeting.
“Hi.” I said, my venomous tone overpowering the cordial tiding. Either he didn’t notice or he was purposely ignoring my not so subtle hatred for him.
“Now that’s more like it. Now how about a handshake. That won’t be so hard will it?” He held out his hand for me to shake. I didn’t think about what I was about to say.
“I’d rather not.” I said. He came back with no effort to hide his aggravation.
“What was that? You can’t even give your father a proper greeting? Haven’t I taught you any manners at all?” He was almost shouting, but I continued without thinking.
“The only decent manners I learned, I sure didn’t learn from you.” I mumbled under my breath, trying my best not to move my lips. I didn’t mean for him to hear it, but I obviously didn’t do a good enough job of hiding it.
“What?” He yelled. He stepped over to the piano before I had the chance to stand, towering over me. It was then that I heard someone at the doorway of my room.
“GET AWAY FROM HER!!” I heard a teary voice from the door. I couldn’t recognize the voice, but I assumed my mother had come to my rescue. My father turned to face the person, blocking my view of the door. It must have been my mother, because when my father saw the person in the doorway, he ran past her and down the hallway. I hung my head and put my hands in my lap, refusing to look at my mother. I let myself cry softly and I expected my mothers arms to wrap around me and comfort me. Instead I saw a small hand rest on my own and I looked up to see Cassy’s tear-stained face.
“Are you hurt?” She asked. I wanted desperately to tell her yes. I wanted to tell her how he’d hurt me so long ago, but I knew she wouldn’t understand. She didn’t know what rape was, and I didn’t want to make her hurt the way I had been hurt, by being forced to grow up faster than she should have to. I just cried. I didn’t know what I could tell her that wouldn’t end up hurting her too. So I just cried.
“Did he hurt you?” I shook my head, but inside I knew. He had hurt me more than I could tell anyone; even my sisters.
Dances~Ali Cummings
Dances
I opened the door and stepped out onto the wooden ramp that led to the front door of our house. I looked back to see if my dad was coming through the door after me. When I turned around, I could see him still in the kitchen talking to my mother.
“Dad, come on.” I said. “I don’t want to be late.” I called into the kitchen.
“I’m coming, I’m coming.” He said, coming down the hallway and out the front door. He shut it behind him and we continued down the ramp. When I got to the end of the sidewalk, I climbed in the side of his gold pick-up truck and he climbed in on the drivers side. He started the engine and the floorboards vibrated underneath my feet. The ride to church was a short one, but at least my dad was here to take me this time. I didn’t like asking people for rides; it made me feel like a burden.
The ride was as silent as it was short and we barely said a word to each other the whole of the time. It didn’t exactly bother me. This was normal. It just reminded me of the not so great relationship I had with my parents.
“We’ll be here around one o’ clock to pick you up. Be waiting outside for us.” He said as I climbed out of the truck at the back of the church. I knew the routine well.
“I’ll be there.” I said. I would probably be talking to Niki on the front steps when he pulled up. I walked into the church and went down the hallway to the youth room. Niki was already there, but she was the only one. “Where’s Tod?” I asked.
“He’s coming with my mom.” She said. She took a deep breath and sighed loudly. She looked at the floor and then back at me. She suddenly gasped and I instinctively checked my braces for bits of anything that could’ve gotten stuck in them, forgetting that I hadn’t had time to get breakfast.
“What is it? What are you all excited about?” I asked. I couldn’t help but smile. Despite being almost four years older than me, she suddenly looked like a six year old that had just discovered the hidden location of the cookie jar in an empty kitchen. She put her hand over her mouth and instantly took it away, exposing her smile, as though she could not yet decide where all of her limbs should be.
“I have someone for you to meet.” She said. I sighed.
“Niki, I appreciate it, but I really don’t feel like meeting anyone right n-” She cut me off.
“Please Ali, will you just meet him? For me? This is just what you need. You need to get out and meet some new people.” She said. She sounded convicing, but I was still skeptical.
“If I do meet him, how do you even know I’ll like him? How do you know if he’ll like me?” I asked. I had no clue what this guy was like, or even his name.
“Because you guys are perfect for each other. You have the same kind of humor, and he’s a real gentleman, and he’s cute, and he’s nice, and he is the best dancer.” She said, counting on her fingers all of his good qualities.
“Okay, okay.” I said, laughing. “If I meet him, will you stop talking about him?” I asked. She smiled slyly.
“I might.” She said. “Probably not.” She paused and put her hand on her chin, as if thinking. “Once you meet him, you won’t be able to stop talking about him.” She said.
“What makes you so sure?” I asked. She thought about this for a moment.
“He’s just…I don’t know, he’s just…” She giggled. “I could see you guys dancing the waltz together.” With this comment, she doubled over laughing, and I had to join in. With my two left feet, I could not see myself dancing with a mop without stepping on it several times.
“Niki,” I said, in between laughs. “You know I can’t dance.” I said, still laughing. She held her sides, trying desperately to stop laughing.
“I know,” She said, trying to regain her composure. “but I bet with him as your partner, you could.” I started laughing all over again. When I finally stopped laughing, I asked the question that had been on my mind ever since I agreed to meet him.
“So when will I get to meet this…” I said, allowing her a chance to tell me his name.
“Matthew,” She said, filling in the blank. “and if you want to meet him, he’s coming to church today.” She said, smiling and biting her bottom lip at the same time. My mouth fell open.
I was about to say something when Nichole walked in. I closed my mouth instantly, although I’m not quite sure why I did. Coming in at the point of the conversation that she did, she wouldn’t have understood any of our senseless rambling anyway. Niki giggled at my sudden attempt to compose myself in front of Nichole.
I stepped over and whispered in her ear, “I guess I’ll meet him after class then?” She grinned from ear to ear and nodded. I laughed. In the many years I had known Niki, I had never seen her so jumpy and hyper and just…child-like before. It was funny, but at the same time, I couldn’t help but notice that Niki was still a child at heart, even if she didn’t show it so much that is was obvious.
Class passed pretty uneventfully. Nothing really happened that was strange, save for the fact that I was actually able to focus on the class. I had almost forgotten about Matthew until Niki took hold of my wrist and started pulling me up the stairs. When we got to the sanctuary, she scanned the crowd quickly and, after apparently finding him amongst the sea of people, continued dragging me by the arm. I could not yet see the person she was trying to point out when Jenna tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around instinctively and Niki let go of my wrist, deciding instead to pull Matthew over to me.
“Hey Ali.” Jenna said in her usual, high-pitched voice.
“Hey Jen. What’s up?” I asked, in no hurry to meet Matthew.
“I just wanted to say hi.” She said, holding her arms out for a hug. I giggled. As weird a tradition as this was, it was a weekly ritual for us. I gave her a quick hug and spun around to try and see where Niki had gone.
When I turned around, I nearly knocked into a boy just a few inches taller than me. “Oh, I’m sorry.” I said, looking at his face. When my eyes hit his lips, I came dangerously close to fainting. He had the most beautiful smile of any guy I had ever seen.
“The fault was mine entirely.” He said. “I’m new here. My friend Niki told me about her church and after I heard some of the stories about this place, I had to see for myself.” He held his hand out for me to shake. “You must be Ali. I recognize the hugging.” I took his hand to shake and tried to remain standing. “Niki’s told me so much about all of you. I feel like I’ve been going here for years.” He glanced quickly around the church, noting the large windows on the side walls, and the video screen at the front. He looked back at me and giggled. My ankles were threatening to give out, but this time, it was for a good reason. It was then that I remembered to answer him.
“Yeah, our church can do that to people, but you haven’t seen anything yet. Some of the people here are just plain crazy.” I said. I searched my mind for something else to say, and I drew a blank. Luckily, he beat me in the race to say something.
“You seem kinda normal.” He said, smiling. If this was what happened when he smiled, I didn’t want to know what would happen if he laughed.
“Thanks.” I said. “You seem normal enough yourself.” He laughed. It turns out what happened when he laughed was actually much better than when he smiled. When he smiled, I got weak ankles. When he laughed, I had an uncontrollable urge to laugh with him, and to keep laughing forever. It was obvious that I would never accomplish such a string of laugher, but the idea suited me for the present.
“You know,” He said. “you look like you would be a great dance partner.” I tried my best to suppress the giggle that was working its way up my throat.
“Oh, worse than you’d think.” I argued. He laughed.
“It’s not that hard.” He said, taking my hand in his. “Just follow my feet.” He said calmly, putting his other hand on the small of my back. I flinched slightly when his fingertips touched my side, but I relaxed quickly, and he smiled. I put my hand on his shoulder and looked down at his feet. He started by moving his right foot forward and I followed by moving my left foot back about the same distance. He made a sweeping motion to the side with is left foot, and I followed with my right. We brought our feet back together and continued in the simple box step until I felt confident enough to lift my head to meet his eyes. He was smiling and he looked completely relaxed. I wanted to dance with him for as long as possible, at least until my father came to pick me up.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I heard the piano music stop and I saw people taking their seats. “We should probably sit down.” I offered.
“That might be a good idea.” He agreed, stopping his feet and dropping his hand to hang beside his waist instead of clasping mine. We walked quickly over to the pew where I normally sat. I sat down beside Niki and Matthew sat beside me. When we had gotten seated, Niki elbowed me in the ribcage gently. I didn’t even look over. I knew what she was about to say.
“So?” She asked. I could not seem to formulate a decent reply with words, so I did the only reasonable thing.
I giggled.
I opened the door and stepped out onto the wooden ramp that led to the front door of our house. I looked back to see if my dad was coming through the door after me. When I turned around, I could see him still in the kitchen talking to my mother.
“Dad, come on.” I said. “I don’t want to be late.” I called into the kitchen.
“I’m coming, I’m coming.” He said, coming down the hallway and out the front door. He shut it behind him and we continued down the ramp. When I got to the end of the sidewalk, I climbed in the side of his gold pick-up truck and he climbed in on the drivers side. He started the engine and the floorboards vibrated underneath my feet. The ride to church was a short one, but at least my dad was here to take me this time. I didn’t like asking people for rides; it made me feel like a burden.
The ride was as silent as it was short and we barely said a word to each other the whole of the time. It didn’t exactly bother me. This was normal. It just reminded me of the not so great relationship I had with my parents.
“We’ll be here around one o’ clock to pick you up. Be waiting outside for us.” He said as I climbed out of the truck at the back of the church. I knew the routine well.
“I’ll be there.” I said. I would probably be talking to Niki on the front steps when he pulled up. I walked into the church and went down the hallway to the youth room. Niki was already there, but she was the only one. “Where’s Tod?” I asked.
“He’s coming with my mom.” She said. She took a deep breath and sighed loudly. She looked at the floor and then back at me. She suddenly gasped and I instinctively checked my braces for bits of anything that could’ve gotten stuck in them, forgetting that I hadn’t had time to get breakfast.
“What is it? What are you all excited about?” I asked. I couldn’t help but smile. Despite being almost four years older than me, she suddenly looked like a six year old that had just discovered the hidden location of the cookie jar in an empty kitchen. She put her hand over her mouth and instantly took it away, exposing her smile, as though she could not yet decide where all of her limbs should be.
“I have someone for you to meet.” She said. I sighed.
“Niki, I appreciate it, but I really don’t feel like meeting anyone right n-” She cut me off.
“Please Ali, will you just meet him? For me? This is just what you need. You need to get out and meet some new people.” She said. She sounded convicing, but I was still skeptical.
“If I do meet him, how do you even know I’ll like him? How do you know if he’ll like me?” I asked. I had no clue what this guy was like, or even his name.
“Because you guys are perfect for each other. You have the same kind of humor, and he’s a real gentleman, and he’s cute, and he’s nice, and he is the best dancer.” She said, counting on her fingers all of his good qualities.
“Okay, okay.” I said, laughing. “If I meet him, will you stop talking about him?” I asked. She smiled slyly.
“I might.” She said. “Probably not.” She paused and put her hand on her chin, as if thinking. “Once you meet him, you won’t be able to stop talking about him.” She said.
“What makes you so sure?” I asked. She thought about this for a moment.
“He’s just…I don’t know, he’s just…” She giggled. “I could see you guys dancing the waltz together.” With this comment, she doubled over laughing, and I had to join in. With my two left feet, I could not see myself dancing with a mop without stepping on it several times.
“Niki,” I said, in between laughs. “You know I can’t dance.” I said, still laughing. She held her sides, trying desperately to stop laughing.
“I know,” She said, trying to regain her composure. “but I bet with him as your partner, you could.” I started laughing all over again. When I finally stopped laughing, I asked the question that had been on my mind ever since I agreed to meet him.
“So when will I get to meet this…” I said, allowing her a chance to tell me his name.
“Matthew,” She said, filling in the blank. “and if you want to meet him, he’s coming to church today.” She said, smiling and biting her bottom lip at the same time. My mouth fell open.
I was about to say something when Nichole walked in. I closed my mouth instantly, although I’m not quite sure why I did. Coming in at the point of the conversation that she did, she wouldn’t have understood any of our senseless rambling anyway. Niki giggled at my sudden attempt to compose myself in front of Nichole.
I stepped over and whispered in her ear, “I guess I’ll meet him after class then?” She grinned from ear to ear and nodded. I laughed. In the many years I had known Niki, I had never seen her so jumpy and hyper and just…child-like before. It was funny, but at the same time, I couldn’t help but notice that Niki was still a child at heart, even if she didn’t show it so much that is was obvious.
Class passed pretty uneventfully. Nothing really happened that was strange, save for the fact that I was actually able to focus on the class. I had almost forgotten about Matthew until Niki took hold of my wrist and started pulling me up the stairs. When we got to the sanctuary, she scanned the crowd quickly and, after apparently finding him amongst the sea of people, continued dragging me by the arm. I could not yet see the person she was trying to point out when Jenna tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around instinctively and Niki let go of my wrist, deciding instead to pull Matthew over to me.
“Hey Ali.” Jenna said in her usual, high-pitched voice.
“Hey Jen. What’s up?” I asked, in no hurry to meet Matthew.
“I just wanted to say hi.” She said, holding her arms out for a hug. I giggled. As weird a tradition as this was, it was a weekly ritual for us. I gave her a quick hug and spun around to try and see where Niki had gone.
When I turned around, I nearly knocked into a boy just a few inches taller than me. “Oh, I’m sorry.” I said, looking at his face. When my eyes hit his lips, I came dangerously close to fainting. He had the most beautiful smile of any guy I had ever seen.
“The fault was mine entirely.” He said. “I’m new here. My friend Niki told me about her church and after I heard some of the stories about this place, I had to see for myself.” He held his hand out for me to shake. “You must be Ali. I recognize the hugging.” I took his hand to shake and tried to remain standing. “Niki’s told me so much about all of you. I feel like I’ve been going here for years.” He glanced quickly around the church, noting the large windows on the side walls, and the video screen at the front. He looked back at me and giggled. My ankles were threatening to give out, but this time, it was for a good reason. It was then that I remembered to answer him.
“Yeah, our church can do that to people, but you haven’t seen anything yet. Some of the people here are just plain crazy.” I said. I searched my mind for something else to say, and I drew a blank. Luckily, he beat me in the race to say something.
“You seem kinda normal.” He said, smiling. If this was what happened when he smiled, I didn’t want to know what would happen if he laughed.
“Thanks.” I said. “You seem normal enough yourself.” He laughed. It turns out what happened when he laughed was actually much better than when he smiled. When he smiled, I got weak ankles. When he laughed, I had an uncontrollable urge to laugh with him, and to keep laughing forever. It was obvious that I would never accomplish such a string of laugher, but the idea suited me for the present.
“You know,” He said. “you look like you would be a great dance partner.” I tried my best to suppress the giggle that was working its way up my throat.
“Oh, worse than you’d think.” I argued. He laughed.
“It’s not that hard.” He said, taking my hand in his. “Just follow my feet.” He said calmly, putting his other hand on the small of my back. I flinched slightly when his fingertips touched my side, but I relaxed quickly, and he smiled. I put my hand on his shoulder and looked down at his feet. He started by moving his right foot forward and I followed by moving my left foot back about the same distance. He made a sweeping motion to the side with is left foot, and I followed with my right. We brought our feet back together and continued in the simple box step until I felt confident enough to lift my head to meet his eyes. He was smiling and he looked completely relaxed. I wanted to dance with him for as long as possible, at least until my father came to pick me up.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I heard the piano music stop and I saw people taking their seats. “We should probably sit down.” I offered.
“That might be a good idea.” He agreed, stopping his feet and dropping his hand to hang beside his waist instead of clasping mine. We walked quickly over to the pew where I normally sat. I sat down beside Niki and Matthew sat beside me. When we had gotten seated, Niki elbowed me in the ribcage gently. I didn’t even look over. I knew what she was about to say.
“So?” She asked. I could not seem to formulate a decent reply with words, so I did the only reasonable thing.
I giggled.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Her Lullaby~Lisa Callum
Her Lullaby
“Mom, I don’t need any more rest. I slept all day yesterday and all the day before that.” I said, trying my best to pull free from the hold she had on my wrists. In the past few days, I had only left my room for meals and to go to the bathroom, if that. I was lucky if she even let me out of the bed to eat.
“Of course you do. You’ve already collapsed twice. We don’t want that to happen again, no we?” She had the same smile plastered on her face from the day she picked me up from the hospital.
“I just want to practice the piano. It’s not that strenuous. I won’t collapse, I promise.” I said. After Milly died, I had spent the vast majority of my free time in my room, teaching myself songs on the piano that Milly had always liked. It made me forget all the stress around me and let me just focus on one thing, even if it was only for a few seconds.
Mom didn’t give up easily, but she eventually let me get up just to practice. “Don’t be up too long. You still need all the rest you can get.” She said on her way out of the room. I rolled my eyes as she shut the door. I didn’t need anymore rest. I had had all the rest I could stand for today. I placed my fingers gently on the keys, at first at a loss for what to play.
When my fingers touched the ivory keys, they twitched as if ready to jump the next key without a second though. I smiled. I liked that feeling. I closed my eyes and searched my memory for a song until I came upon one Milly had written when she twelve years old. It required only piano accompaniment, and I knew the words by heart.
Without pausing to stretch my fingers, I moved them up and down the keyboard in a rhythmic motion. They glided over the keys, stopping only to strike certain keys and pass others. I opened my mouth and touched the tip of my tongue to the room of my mouth.
“She had done a lot of wrong in her life,” I sang. My voice was rough from the lack of use over the past few days, but I didn’t mind it. “Couple things when she should’ve thought twice, She remembers the day she went wrong, so wrong.” My voice gained strength. “She had planned out her entire life.” I kept on, my voice getting louder every second, until I sounded like I was singing professionally.
“A faithful child of God, singer, and a wife,” I paused only to catch my breath, and continued singing. “But a call to a different path turned her wrong, so wrong” I paused and played the measures that rested between the verse and chorus. I started the chorus on a light note, but with power behind it.
“And I close my eyes, and I see the girl, who tried so hard, not to be like the world, and then she fell, like a star from the sky, and now she’s layin’ here, sheddin’ tears,” I paused, as the song required me to. “singing her lullaby.” The chorus ended and I once again gave the sound of the piano dominance in the song. I took a deep breath to continue the song and was amazed at the steadiness of my fingers as they glided effortlessly across the keys. I was not unwilling to the motions, nor had a planned them, yet the sound the produced was faultless and pure.
“When she finally though, ‘what has happened to me? I opened my heart to the Enemy!’” I said the word with unplanned force, but it seemed to flow smoothly that way. My singing was unrehearsed, but sounded as though I’d sung the song from the time I’d learned to speak. It came easily, but somehow took all of my concentration; all of my effort.
“She went home to tell her friends she was sorry, so long. They said so long.” My foot pressed expertly on the pedal and my hands moved with the beat of the music the piano now produced. I kept singing. “She called her family to say hello, them and every other person she knows, but when she got to him, she got nothing but dial tone. So long.” I took a breath and opened my mouth to sing the chorus.
“And I close my eyes, and I see the girl, who tried so hard, not to be like the world, and then she fell, like a star from the sky, and now she’s layin’ here, sheddin’ tears,” Another short breath. “Singing her lullaby.” I started the last verse with a slower pace and a stronger and more determined air than I had in the last two verses.
“And when she got home that day, Turned out the light, She picked up his picture, Held onto it all night, And she thought about the love, To which she had said goodbye, That’s when the tears came, And she wrote…her lullaby” I lowered my voice to what almost could’ve been thought of as a whisper.
“And I close my eyes, and I see the girl, who tried so hard, not to be like the world, and then she fell, like a star from the sky, and now she’s layin’ here, sheddin’ tears, singing her lullaby.” My voice regained its strength and I continued.
“This is what happens when you just waste your every living day, this is what happens when you throw your whole life away, oh the consequences of all of our foolish mistakes, oh the pain and suffering and price we have to pay, don’t you know that there is a price you’ll have to pay?, a price you’ll have to pay, a price you’ll have to pay, someday” I played the final few measures and again reduced the volume of my voice to that of a whisper. “Singing her lullaby.” I pressed the final key of the piece, but my fingers remained on the keyboard.
“That’s some nice singin’ you done there.” I jumped and looked up from the piano, startled. Standing in the doorway was the one person that I never wanted to see anywhere, in my doorway or otherwise.
My father.
“Mom, I don’t need any more rest. I slept all day yesterday and all the day before that.” I said, trying my best to pull free from the hold she had on my wrists. In the past few days, I had only left my room for meals and to go to the bathroom, if that. I was lucky if she even let me out of the bed to eat.
“Of course you do. You’ve already collapsed twice. We don’t want that to happen again, no we?” She had the same smile plastered on her face from the day she picked me up from the hospital.
“I just want to practice the piano. It’s not that strenuous. I won’t collapse, I promise.” I said. After Milly died, I had spent the vast majority of my free time in my room, teaching myself songs on the piano that Milly had always liked. It made me forget all the stress around me and let me just focus on one thing, even if it was only for a few seconds.
Mom didn’t give up easily, but she eventually let me get up just to practice. “Don’t be up too long. You still need all the rest you can get.” She said on her way out of the room. I rolled my eyes as she shut the door. I didn’t need anymore rest. I had had all the rest I could stand for today. I placed my fingers gently on the keys, at first at a loss for what to play.
When my fingers touched the ivory keys, they twitched as if ready to jump the next key without a second though. I smiled. I liked that feeling. I closed my eyes and searched my memory for a song until I came upon one Milly had written when she twelve years old. It required only piano accompaniment, and I knew the words by heart.
Without pausing to stretch my fingers, I moved them up and down the keyboard in a rhythmic motion. They glided over the keys, stopping only to strike certain keys and pass others. I opened my mouth and touched the tip of my tongue to the room of my mouth.
“She had done a lot of wrong in her life,” I sang. My voice was rough from the lack of use over the past few days, but I didn’t mind it. “Couple things when she should’ve thought twice, She remembers the day she went wrong, so wrong.” My voice gained strength. “She had planned out her entire life.” I kept on, my voice getting louder every second, until I sounded like I was singing professionally.
“A faithful child of God, singer, and a wife,” I paused only to catch my breath, and continued singing. “But a call to a different path turned her wrong, so wrong” I paused and played the measures that rested between the verse and chorus. I started the chorus on a light note, but with power behind it.
“And I close my eyes, and I see the girl, who tried so hard, not to be like the world, and then she fell, like a star from the sky, and now she’s layin’ here, sheddin’ tears,” I paused, as the song required me to. “singing her lullaby.” The chorus ended and I once again gave the sound of the piano dominance in the song. I took a deep breath to continue the song and was amazed at the steadiness of my fingers as they glided effortlessly across the keys. I was not unwilling to the motions, nor had a planned them, yet the sound the produced was faultless and pure.
“When she finally though, ‘what has happened to me? I opened my heart to the Enemy!’” I said the word with unplanned force, but it seemed to flow smoothly that way. My singing was unrehearsed, but sounded as though I’d sung the song from the time I’d learned to speak. It came easily, but somehow took all of my concentration; all of my effort.
“She went home to tell her friends she was sorry, so long. They said so long.” My foot pressed expertly on the pedal and my hands moved with the beat of the music the piano now produced. I kept singing. “She called her family to say hello, them and every other person she knows, but when she got to him, she got nothing but dial tone. So long.” I took a breath and opened my mouth to sing the chorus.
“And I close my eyes, and I see the girl, who tried so hard, not to be like the world, and then she fell, like a star from the sky, and now she’s layin’ here, sheddin’ tears,” Another short breath. “Singing her lullaby.” I started the last verse with a slower pace and a stronger and more determined air than I had in the last two verses.
“And when she got home that day, Turned out the light, She picked up his picture, Held onto it all night, And she thought about the love, To which she had said goodbye, That’s when the tears came, And she wrote…her lullaby” I lowered my voice to what almost could’ve been thought of as a whisper.
“And I close my eyes, and I see the girl, who tried so hard, not to be like the world, and then she fell, like a star from the sky, and now she’s layin’ here, sheddin’ tears, singing her lullaby.” My voice regained its strength and I continued.
“This is what happens when you just waste your every living day, this is what happens when you throw your whole life away, oh the consequences of all of our foolish mistakes, oh the pain and suffering and price we have to pay, don’t you know that there is a price you’ll have to pay?, a price you’ll have to pay, a price you’ll have to pay, someday” I played the final few measures and again reduced the volume of my voice to that of a whisper. “Singing her lullaby.” I pressed the final key of the piece, but my fingers remained on the keyboard.
“That’s some nice singin’ you done there.” I jumped and looked up from the piano, startled. Standing in the doorway was the one person that I never wanted to see anywhere, in my doorway or otherwise.
My father.
Not Soon Enough~Milly Callum
Not Soon Enough
I sat motionless on the edge of my bed, the golden box in my trembling hands. I was not angry, no was I sad. I was simply shocked. The faith that I was so sure Tod had held, had just disappeared. If not for Niki, it probably would’ve been lost forever. I look of pure terror washed over my face. If he had stopped believing, he would’ve stopped talking to me. If there was one thing I knew, it was that I could not live without Tod Belle.
Without taking my eyes off of the opposite wall, which now seemed to be the most interesting thing in the entire room, I set the golden box down on the bed side table where I kept it. I dared for a second to take my eyes off of the wall and let them rest on the engraved box, and immediately regretted ever doing so. Just the sight of the box brought tears.
I stood up and left my room, shutting the door behind me so that when I passed the room, I would not see the item that had caused so much pain. My plan did not work, of course. Every time I consented to close my eyes, think it was safe, I was only invaded by mental images and memories. Tod getting sick and not eating. Ali suddenly losing hope. Lisa putting up a wall around her emotions. Cassy wanting to understand, but unable to.
My heart ached. I wished so much that I could help them. That I could be there for them in any way possible, but again, we were separate. I couldn’t even come near them. It had been so easy to help them on earth. I had been put on the earth to help people; it came naturally. Why did this stop so suddenly when I entered the kingdom of heaven? Was it not God’s will that we help one another?
I entered the sanctuary and sat down on one of the pews in the back row. I could not bring myself to sit where I had before we left the church. That one spot held too many memories. Lindsay had always sat on my left side, Tod on my right. We would listen to the sermon, occasionally passing notes saying things like, “my dog caught a squirrel the other day!” or, “do you have any food? I’m hungry.”
There was nothing to jolt me back to reality, though I return anyways. I found myself wishing I still had one of the notes Tod and I had passed during those Sunday mornings, even if only to remember his handwriting.
I sighed. No amount of handwriting remembrance or note passing would bring us together again. “Not soon enough, anyway.” I muttered to myself.
“If he were to show up at this mansion this very second, it would not be soon enough.” I reminded myself out loud. I missed him too much.
I sat motionless on the edge of my bed, the golden box in my trembling hands. I was not angry, no was I sad. I was simply shocked. The faith that I was so sure Tod had held, had just disappeared. If not for Niki, it probably would’ve been lost forever. I look of pure terror washed over my face. If he had stopped believing, he would’ve stopped talking to me. If there was one thing I knew, it was that I could not live without Tod Belle.
Without taking my eyes off of the opposite wall, which now seemed to be the most interesting thing in the entire room, I set the golden box down on the bed side table where I kept it. I dared for a second to take my eyes off of the wall and let them rest on the engraved box, and immediately regretted ever doing so. Just the sight of the box brought tears.
I stood up and left my room, shutting the door behind me so that when I passed the room, I would not see the item that had caused so much pain. My plan did not work, of course. Every time I consented to close my eyes, think it was safe, I was only invaded by mental images and memories. Tod getting sick and not eating. Ali suddenly losing hope. Lisa putting up a wall around her emotions. Cassy wanting to understand, but unable to.
My heart ached. I wished so much that I could help them. That I could be there for them in any way possible, but again, we were separate. I couldn’t even come near them. It had been so easy to help them on earth. I had been put on the earth to help people; it came naturally. Why did this stop so suddenly when I entered the kingdom of heaven? Was it not God’s will that we help one another?
I entered the sanctuary and sat down on one of the pews in the back row. I could not bring myself to sit where I had before we left the church. That one spot held too many memories. Lindsay had always sat on my left side, Tod on my right. We would listen to the sermon, occasionally passing notes saying things like, “my dog caught a squirrel the other day!” or, “do you have any food? I’m hungry.”
There was nothing to jolt me back to reality, though I return anyways. I found myself wishing I still had one of the notes Tod and I had passed during those Sunday mornings, even if only to remember his handwriting.
I sighed. No amount of handwriting remembrance or note passing would bring us together again. “Not soon enough, anyway.” I muttered to myself.
“If he were to show up at this mansion this very second, it would not be soon enough.” I reminded myself out loud. I missed him too much.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Faith~Tod Belle
Faith
“Niki,” I opened the door to her room, unannounced and stepped into the room. I had no time for permission. “Do you think Milly can hear us?” I asked. I had been sitting in my bedroom ten minutes getting up the nerve to ask my sister this sort of question. She looked up, confused by my straightforwardness.
“I don’t know.” She said. “Why do you ask?” I swallowed. I hadn’t planned for questions.
“I don’t know, I guess I just was curious.” I said. She didn’t give up as easily as I had thought she would. She never did. I should’ve learned by now.
“You’re never just curious.” She said. “What’s in that big empty head of yours?” She laughed.
“If you weren’t my sister, I would take that offensively.” I said. I laughed along with her.
“Well then,” She said. “It’s a good thing I’m your sister, huh?” Her laughing died down. “So what’s up?” She was once again serious. I sighed. She was going to think I was crazy.
“I…talk to her,” I said. “and I just want to know if she hears me, or” I stopped. “Or if I’m just wasting my time.” I said. She sighed.
“Tod, nothing you do for her is a waste of time. You shouldn’t let dad get to you. He didn’t mean what he said. He was just-”
“What if he’s right?” I snapped. “What if I’m just wasting my life on a dead girl that can’t see or hear anything I’m doing?” I was more mad than depressed, but the tears came anyway. “What if I waste my life caring about her and then I never see her again?” I swallowed. “What if she doesn’t even care?” I said.
The last sentence had come out of my mouth completely unplanned, but it made me think. What if she really didn’t care? What if she was looking down from heaven right now, laughing at me for being so foolish? This only made the tears fall faster. Niki sat up on the edge of her bed and patted the empty space beside her.
“Tod, come here.” I was not reluctant to follow her command. I sat down on the edge of her bed, making no effort to hide the fact that I was crying. “Is that’s what’s bothering you?” She asked. “You think what you’re doing is a waste of time?” By this point, all of my church sermons and bibles studies had been tossed out the window.
“What happens if I never see her again?” I asked. “Won’t everything I did have been a waste of time?” I said.
“Tod, you know you’ll see her again. She’s in heaven now, and someday you will be too.” I stopped her again.
“I know everyone says that, but how do I know? How can I be sure that she’s in heaven? That there even is a heaven?” I really was not sure what I believed at this point. Everything was too foggy to really know anything.
“Tod, I know you’re upset, but don’t you ever let go of the fact that God keeps his promises. He’s not a liar. You know that. He wouldn’t say there was a heaven if he didn’t mean it.” She said.
I looked up. “I know. I just don’t know what to believe right now.” She put her hand on my back and started rubbing my shoulder.
“It’ll get easier, I promise.” She said. I wiped my cheek and looked up at her.
“How can you promise something like that?” I asked.
“Faith.” She said. “Plus, I’m your sister. I know everything, remember?” She giggled. I couldn’t help but laugh along.
“You wish.” I said. She laughed.
“Well, I did my research on this one, trust me.” She patted my shoulder. “You okay?” She said.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I said. “Gosh, Niki, why do you have to be so sentimental all the time?” I joked. She hit me in the back of the head softly.
“Because you come in my room crying and saying your life is a waste of time. What am I supposed to do?” I had to admit her comeback good.
“Fine. I just leave you and your stupid comebacks alone then.” I said, getting off the bed and heading for the door. I turned around. “And…uh…thanks.”
“No problem.” She said, smiling. I went out the door and shut it behind me, suddenly feeling as though I could do anything.
“Niki,” I opened the door to her room, unannounced and stepped into the room. I had no time for permission. “Do you think Milly can hear us?” I asked. I had been sitting in my bedroom ten minutes getting up the nerve to ask my sister this sort of question. She looked up, confused by my straightforwardness.
“I don’t know.” She said. “Why do you ask?” I swallowed. I hadn’t planned for questions.
“I don’t know, I guess I just was curious.” I said. She didn’t give up as easily as I had thought she would. She never did. I should’ve learned by now.
“You’re never just curious.” She said. “What’s in that big empty head of yours?” She laughed.
“If you weren’t my sister, I would take that offensively.” I said. I laughed along with her.
“Well then,” She said. “It’s a good thing I’m your sister, huh?” Her laughing died down. “So what’s up?” She was once again serious. I sighed. She was going to think I was crazy.
“I…talk to her,” I said. “and I just want to know if she hears me, or” I stopped. “Or if I’m just wasting my time.” I said. She sighed.
“Tod, nothing you do for her is a waste of time. You shouldn’t let dad get to you. He didn’t mean what he said. He was just-”
“What if he’s right?” I snapped. “What if I’m just wasting my life on a dead girl that can’t see or hear anything I’m doing?” I was more mad than depressed, but the tears came anyway. “What if I waste my life caring about her and then I never see her again?” I swallowed. “What if she doesn’t even care?” I said.
The last sentence had come out of my mouth completely unplanned, but it made me think. What if she really didn’t care? What if she was looking down from heaven right now, laughing at me for being so foolish? This only made the tears fall faster. Niki sat up on the edge of her bed and patted the empty space beside her.
“Tod, come here.” I was not reluctant to follow her command. I sat down on the edge of her bed, making no effort to hide the fact that I was crying. “Is that’s what’s bothering you?” She asked. “You think what you’re doing is a waste of time?” By this point, all of my church sermons and bibles studies had been tossed out the window.
“What happens if I never see her again?” I asked. “Won’t everything I did have been a waste of time?” I said.
“Tod, you know you’ll see her again. She’s in heaven now, and someday you will be too.” I stopped her again.
“I know everyone says that, but how do I know? How can I be sure that she’s in heaven? That there even is a heaven?” I really was not sure what I believed at this point. Everything was too foggy to really know anything.
“Tod, I know you’re upset, but don’t you ever let go of the fact that God keeps his promises. He’s not a liar. You know that. He wouldn’t say there was a heaven if he didn’t mean it.” She said.
I looked up. “I know. I just don’t know what to believe right now.” She put her hand on my back and started rubbing my shoulder.
“It’ll get easier, I promise.” She said. I wiped my cheek and looked up at her.
“How can you promise something like that?” I asked.
“Faith.” She said. “Plus, I’m your sister. I know everything, remember?” She giggled. I couldn’t help but laugh along.
“You wish.” I said. She laughed.
“Well, I did my research on this one, trust me.” She patted my shoulder. “You okay?” She said.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I said. “Gosh, Niki, why do you have to be so sentimental all the time?” I joked. She hit me in the back of the head softly.
“Because you come in my room crying and saying your life is a waste of time. What am I supposed to do?” I had to admit her comeback good.
“Fine. I just leave you and your stupid comebacks alone then.” I said, getting off the bed and heading for the door. I turned around. “And…uh…thanks.”
“No problem.” She said, smiling. I went out the door and shut it behind me, suddenly feeling as though I could do anything.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Unstable~Ali Cummings
Unstable
I stopped running and crouched behind the shed near the pavilion. I felt like I was going the be sick. The air was no thinner than it had been in the small library and I was having difficulty breathing. With my back pressed against the cold metal of the shed, I tried to take slow, steady breaths. My breathing was shaky and it was becoming faster. I calmed myself enough to breath normally, but the nausea remained. I could not even take in my surroundings, my head was spinning so fast.
I could not even separate one thought from another as they bounced around in my mind. My stomach lurched, but I steadied myself against the wall. I tried to swallow, but my throat was once again too dry to even speak, not that I would be able to compose a sentence that made even the slightest bit of sense. I turned my head. The cold metal felt good on my cheek and I reached up to wipe my forehead with my hand. My legs rested uncomfortably on top of several fallen metal lamp posts that had been put behind the shed for storage.
My eyes felt weighed down with unshed tears, but I found that the tears would not fall. I had become numb to the fact that I had just lost one of my best friends in the entire world. I could not cry. I could not smile. I could not breathe. I closed my eyes tightly, willing my body to listen to any command it would consent to. Nothing came. After several seconds, my breathing returned in quick, short gasps. They did not lengthen into sobs, but they were not steady.
I sat in the shadows behind the shed, the sun disappearing further and further behind the trees. The sunset, at any other moment, would have calmed me, but as I sat behind the shed, alone and unable to cry, I only felt pain. I envied the sun at that moment. It kept shining as thought nothing was wrong, as if everything were exactly the same as it had been the day before and the week before and the month before. I knew for certain that I could not go on like this. If I had been the sun, the earth would have been dark days ago.
The sick feeling in my stomach had subsided, leaving only a small headache. My breathing had returned to normal, and my eyes were able to focus on one thing; the ground. I did not move, I did not blink, and I did not think. My attentions were interrupted only when I heard footsteps walking slowly toward the shed. I had no way of knowing who it was without running the risk of exposing my hiding spot.
I wanted desperately never to be found. To be able to sit behind the shed, not thinking, moving, or blinking. It was anything but peaceful, but it was stable. If I did not move, I could not cause anything to move by my hand. If I did not think, I didn’t run the risk of being flooded with horrid memories. And if I did not blink, nothing could escape my eyes unnoticed.
I found out soon enough that the footsteps belonged to Niki. She had come to look for me. I must’ve looked so different from Sunday. Then, I had been fragile, scared. Now I was defiant, independent. I realized I was still scared, but reluctant to show it. Niki sat down beside me, wedging herself, as I had done, in between the lamp posts and the shed’s metal wall.
“What’s wrong? Why are you sitting out here all alone? Joe’s worried.” She said. “He asked if anyone knew where you were and I volunteered to go get you.”
“I just needed a break.” I said. I was surprised at just how easily my voice came, although my throat still felt dry. “I couldn’t go back in there and make a beg scene. Everyone would think I was crazy.” I said. Niki sighed, but she didn’t seem impatient.
“I don’t know what I can do for you. If I could give you the perfect life, you know I would, but it’s not the simple.” She said. I looked up.
“I don’t need a perfect life. I just need a stable one. This is definitely not stable. This is a roller coaster with no seat belt and too many hills,” I paused. “and I want off.” I said. After the words escaped my lips, I realized just how morbid this sounded. I was comparing life to a roller coaster I didn’t want to be on. I had no will to live, no drive. But I would never think of suicide. Would I?
“Oh, Ali.” She moaned, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. “I know you’re scared, but you can’t give up.” She said. “This won’t be as bad as you think it will. It’ll get better, you’ll see. Don’t give up.” She said. I looked over at her and was surprised to see a tear slip quickly down her cheek. She wiped her cheek with the palm of her hand.
“I’m sorry.” I said. “I didn’t mean for it to sound that way.” The more I thought about it, the more I realized that even if I hadn’t wanted to say it, that was how I felt. I couldn’t change what I felt.
“But is that how you really feel?” She asked. I saw another tear roll down her face, although she tried to stop it. I nodded. I heard her let out a shaking breath. I imagined how hard it must be for her to hear that. We sat there for the next ten minutes, her trying to hide the fact that she was crying and me crouching like a statue in her arms. For once, she provided no comfort for what I was feeling. Right now, I only felt one thing…empty.
I stopped running and crouched behind the shed near the pavilion. I felt like I was going the be sick. The air was no thinner than it had been in the small library and I was having difficulty breathing. With my back pressed against the cold metal of the shed, I tried to take slow, steady breaths. My breathing was shaky and it was becoming faster. I calmed myself enough to breath normally, but the nausea remained. I could not even take in my surroundings, my head was spinning so fast.
I could not even separate one thought from another as they bounced around in my mind. My stomach lurched, but I steadied myself against the wall. I tried to swallow, but my throat was once again too dry to even speak, not that I would be able to compose a sentence that made even the slightest bit of sense. I turned my head. The cold metal felt good on my cheek and I reached up to wipe my forehead with my hand. My legs rested uncomfortably on top of several fallen metal lamp posts that had been put behind the shed for storage.
My eyes felt weighed down with unshed tears, but I found that the tears would not fall. I had become numb to the fact that I had just lost one of my best friends in the entire world. I could not cry. I could not smile. I could not breathe. I closed my eyes tightly, willing my body to listen to any command it would consent to. Nothing came. After several seconds, my breathing returned in quick, short gasps. They did not lengthen into sobs, but they were not steady.
I sat in the shadows behind the shed, the sun disappearing further and further behind the trees. The sunset, at any other moment, would have calmed me, but as I sat behind the shed, alone and unable to cry, I only felt pain. I envied the sun at that moment. It kept shining as thought nothing was wrong, as if everything were exactly the same as it had been the day before and the week before and the month before. I knew for certain that I could not go on like this. If I had been the sun, the earth would have been dark days ago.
The sick feeling in my stomach had subsided, leaving only a small headache. My breathing had returned to normal, and my eyes were able to focus on one thing; the ground. I did not move, I did not blink, and I did not think. My attentions were interrupted only when I heard footsteps walking slowly toward the shed. I had no way of knowing who it was without running the risk of exposing my hiding spot.
I wanted desperately never to be found. To be able to sit behind the shed, not thinking, moving, or blinking. It was anything but peaceful, but it was stable. If I did not move, I could not cause anything to move by my hand. If I did not think, I didn’t run the risk of being flooded with horrid memories. And if I did not blink, nothing could escape my eyes unnoticed.
I found out soon enough that the footsteps belonged to Niki. She had come to look for me. I must’ve looked so different from Sunday. Then, I had been fragile, scared. Now I was defiant, independent. I realized I was still scared, but reluctant to show it. Niki sat down beside me, wedging herself, as I had done, in between the lamp posts and the shed’s metal wall.
“What’s wrong? Why are you sitting out here all alone? Joe’s worried.” She said. “He asked if anyone knew where you were and I volunteered to go get you.”
“I just needed a break.” I said. I was surprised at just how easily my voice came, although my throat still felt dry. “I couldn’t go back in there and make a beg scene. Everyone would think I was crazy.” I said. Niki sighed, but she didn’t seem impatient.
“I don’t know what I can do for you. If I could give you the perfect life, you know I would, but it’s not the simple.” She said. I looked up.
“I don’t need a perfect life. I just need a stable one. This is definitely not stable. This is a roller coaster with no seat belt and too many hills,” I paused. “and I want off.” I said. After the words escaped my lips, I realized just how morbid this sounded. I was comparing life to a roller coaster I didn’t want to be on. I had no will to live, no drive. But I would never think of suicide. Would I?
“Oh, Ali.” She moaned, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. “I know you’re scared, but you can’t give up.” She said. “This won’t be as bad as you think it will. It’ll get better, you’ll see. Don’t give up.” She said. I looked over at her and was surprised to see a tear slip quickly down her cheek. She wiped her cheek with the palm of her hand.
“I’m sorry.” I said. “I didn’t mean for it to sound that way.” The more I thought about it, the more I realized that even if I hadn’t wanted to say it, that was how I felt. I couldn’t change what I felt.
“But is that how you really feel?” She asked. I saw another tear roll down her face, although she tried to stop it. I nodded. I heard her let out a shaking breath. I imagined how hard it must be for her to hear that. We sat there for the next ten minutes, her trying to hide the fact that she was crying and me crouching like a statue in her arms. For once, she provided no comfort for what I was feeling. Right now, I only felt one thing…empty.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Like I Never Loved Before~Milly Callum
Like Never Loved Before
I laid across the pew in the sanctuary, wiping my tears with the back of my hand. I could not forget the scene I had witnessed Tuesday morning when I woke up. How could he have been so insensitive? How could he say those kind of things? How could he even question the fact that Tod knew what love was? Another sob escaped my lips. I could not bear this a second longer. I jumped from the pew and ran up the stairs the my bedroom of the mansion. I flung the door open and grabbed the box of off of the dresser. I was about the throw it down on the floor, but when I held it above my head, I realized the importance of it. It was the only way I could see my friends and family; for now at least. I would not give that up. Not like this. I fell onto my bed and clutched the box in my trembling hands. I opened the lid and looked onto a scene of Ali running across the parking lot at the church towards the pavilion. I closed the lid. I would keep it, but I would not torture myself by looking into it. I would only look into it when I could not stand to be apart from them. I sighed, realizing that I missed them all the time. I set the box gently back on the bedside table, wondering what to do. A thought suddenly occurred to me. I was amazed I hadn’t thought of it sooner. I would ask the person with all the answers. I ran down the stairs of my mansion and out the door. I walked along the golden street, once again almost oblivious to the fact that I had wings. I wanted to get to him so badly that I started to run. My lungs did not burn, and my throat was not dry, as it had been on earth. I experienced no pain. I kept running, letting my feet touch the ground for only a fraction of a second before picking them back up again. Once, I stumbled and I threw my hands out to catch myself on impulse. I stopped. My wings had, of their own accord, lifted me back to a standing position. I continued down the road until I saw the throng of God standing before me. I stopped in front of him.
“What is it, my darling?” He said, already knowing my concerns long before I stated them.
“I don’t know what to do.” I confessed. “I just want to give up trying to stay close to them, but I can’t let them go. What do I do?” The last two sentences ran together with my attempt to get all the words in order.
“Only you can decide this. I know what is best for you, but you must make the choice of what you will do.” He said.
“Can you tell me what I should do?” I asked. At this point I was desperate for any help he could’ve given. “Please?” I felt my lip trembling as I said the word. I wanted to be back on earth. I wanted to be with Tod and with Ali. I wanted to be there to dry their tears and tell them that everything would be all right. But I couldn’t. I was no where near them. Even though I could see them, we were as separate as the sun and moon. We could not even come close to one another. We were in different worlds. My lip did more then tremble. It was quivering and I felt a tear roll down my face.
“Child, come now, why do you put yourself through this?” He asked, wrapping his arms around me and squeezing tightly. I was once again crying on his shoulder, but this time, my legs were perfectly capable of holding me.
“Why can’t I let them go?” I asked. I knew why I hadn’t been able to let them go when I was on earth, but now I had the ultimate love; the ultimate protector. Why did I still miss them so much? He read my thoughts before I had the chance to voice them.
“Just because you have me does not mean that you don’t need them. I designed you to need other people. That does not change now that you have entered my kingdom.” He put his hand under my chin and lifted my face so that I was looking at him. “You still love them.” The word stood out to me. Love. I had heard it over and over again on earth, but I had never realized just how much it meant. It was a word that most people on earth knew naught but the word and possibly how to spell it correctly. But when my Father said it, it held something…something special. Something that I could not ignore. I realized deep in my heart that love was all around and we failed to see it so many times. Looking back now, I seemed to have overlooked so many times when I could’ve shown love, but didn’t. Again, he read my thoughts.
“Do not distress. The past is behind you. The greatest gift I gave you was the gift of love. You used it whenever you saw that you could. I have many times forgiven you for the times when you did now show love.” He said. I wrapped my arms around his waist, unable to reach his neck, and let myself fall deeper into the warmth that he provided. This was real love; like I never loved before.
I laid across the pew in the sanctuary, wiping my tears with the back of my hand. I could not forget the scene I had witnessed Tuesday morning when I woke up. How could he have been so insensitive? How could he say those kind of things? How could he even question the fact that Tod knew what love was? Another sob escaped my lips. I could not bear this a second longer. I jumped from the pew and ran up the stairs the my bedroom of the mansion. I flung the door open and grabbed the box of off of the dresser. I was about the throw it down on the floor, but when I held it above my head, I realized the importance of it. It was the only way I could see my friends and family; for now at least. I would not give that up. Not like this. I fell onto my bed and clutched the box in my trembling hands. I opened the lid and looked onto a scene of Ali running across the parking lot at the church towards the pavilion. I closed the lid. I would keep it, but I would not torture myself by looking into it. I would only look into it when I could not stand to be apart from them. I sighed, realizing that I missed them all the time. I set the box gently back on the bedside table, wondering what to do. A thought suddenly occurred to me. I was amazed I hadn’t thought of it sooner. I would ask the person with all the answers. I ran down the stairs of my mansion and out the door. I walked along the golden street, once again almost oblivious to the fact that I had wings. I wanted to get to him so badly that I started to run. My lungs did not burn, and my throat was not dry, as it had been on earth. I experienced no pain. I kept running, letting my feet touch the ground for only a fraction of a second before picking them back up again. Once, I stumbled and I threw my hands out to catch myself on impulse. I stopped. My wings had, of their own accord, lifted me back to a standing position. I continued down the road until I saw the throng of God standing before me. I stopped in front of him.
“What is it, my darling?” He said, already knowing my concerns long before I stated them.
“I don’t know what to do.” I confessed. “I just want to give up trying to stay close to them, but I can’t let them go. What do I do?” The last two sentences ran together with my attempt to get all the words in order.
“Only you can decide this. I know what is best for you, but you must make the choice of what you will do.” He said.
“Can you tell me what I should do?” I asked. At this point I was desperate for any help he could’ve given. “Please?” I felt my lip trembling as I said the word. I wanted to be back on earth. I wanted to be with Tod and with Ali. I wanted to be there to dry their tears and tell them that everything would be all right. But I couldn’t. I was no where near them. Even though I could see them, we were as separate as the sun and moon. We could not even come close to one another. We were in different worlds. My lip did more then tremble. It was quivering and I felt a tear roll down my face.
“Child, come now, why do you put yourself through this?” He asked, wrapping his arms around me and squeezing tightly. I was once again crying on his shoulder, but this time, my legs were perfectly capable of holding me.
“Why can’t I let them go?” I asked. I knew why I hadn’t been able to let them go when I was on earth, but now I had the ultimate love; the ultimate protector. Why did I still miss them so much? He read my thoughts before I had the chance to voice them.
“Just because you have me does not mean that you don’t need them. I designed you to need other people. That does not change now that you have entered my kingdom.” He put his hand under my chin and lifted my face so that I was looking at him. “You still love them.” The word stood out to me. Love. I had heard it over and over again on earth, but I had never realized just how much it meant. It was a word that most people on earth knew naught but the word and possibly how to spell it correctly. But when my Father said it, it held something…something special. Something that I could not ignore. I realized deep in my heart that love was all around and we failed to see it so many times. Looking back now, I seemed to have overlooked so many times when I could’ve shown love, but didn’t. Again, he read my thoughts.
“Do not distress. The past is behind you. The greatest gift I gave you was the gift of love. You used it whenever you saw that you could. I have many times forgiven you for the times when you did now show love.” He said. I wrapped my arms around his waist, unable to reach his neck, and let myself fall deeper into the warmth that he provided. This was real love; like I never loved before.
A Way Out~Ali Cummings
A Way Out
The day after I had my complete meltdown at church, I seemed to be in a worse mood than ever. I wasn’t grumpy, I just didn’t really have the emotional strength to talk. I actually gave a note that said I had lost my voice to anyone who asked why I wasn’t talking. It worked for a while. I was able to go through about three days without talking. It was when I got to church that I had problems. Not that people were forcing me to talk or anything. I just couldn’t force myself not to talk. The church was my second home. Whenever someone talked to me, I couldn’t force myself not to answer back. Especially when Niki came over to talk to me.
“How you doin’?” She asked. She looked happy, but worried at the same time. I sighed.
“I’m doing a little better. I’m still a little shaky, though.” She looked confused.
“Shaky?” I held out my hand so that she could see my fingers trembling. “Oh.” She said. “That should go away sooner or later.” She smiled, and I forced myself to do the same.
“How do you do it?” I asked suddenly. She laughed.
“How do I do…what??” She looked puzzled and amused at the same time.
“How do you act like such a big sister all the time?” I asked. It wasn’t exactly the way I had intended the question to come out, but when I heard it, it didn’t sound that bad.
“I don’t know.” She said. “I’ve just got lots of experience, I guess.” She smiled. “And you make it hard not to. You’re like the little sister I never had.” She giggled.
“But you have little sisters…two of them.” I said. She laughed again.
“Yeah, but you’re like the little sister I never had.” She said. I joined her in laughing this time.
“Yes,” I said sarcastically. “Not as…biological.” She laughed.
“Exactly!” She said, still laughing. She looked up. Joe was standing in the front of the class, handing pens to anyone that needed something to write with. We found two chairs next to each other and sat down.
I slipped over the stool and grabbed two worksheets. When I got back to my chair, I handed one worksheet to Niki and pulled a pencil out of my purse. Niki took a pen out of her Bible case. Joe started talking, but I was soon lost in thought again. I didn’t really try to focus on the lesson, so I didn’t get barely any of the information down onto the paper.
I didn’t mentally return to the class until I heard Joe call my name out loud. When I looked up, I realized he was not addressing me, but assigning me to a group. Luckily, I heard him call out the group after us, so I knew which group I was working with. He had assigned us with numbers and I was in group two. Each group had a different work area. Group two’s work space was the library.
When we got to the library, almost everyone took a seat on the floor, leaving the chairs untouched. Everyone who had worked in the library before knew that stretching out on the floor was much more comfortable than being confined to a chair, even a cushioned one, as the ones in the library were. I pulled a book off of the shelf to press against and laid my paper on top of it. I could tell what verse I needed to look up, by glancing at the top of the page. I knew the worksheet layout well enough to at least pretend I had been listening. I heard the sound of thin paper rustling as everyone else turned in their bibles to the verse.
I had to admit I had gotten some of the smarter people in my group. There was James and Becca. They were basically brother and sister. They teased each other all the time and took each others stuff, including hats, purses, and, on rare occasion, cars. Then there was Nichole, the one who had saved me last Sunday, and there was Danny. He goofed of most of the time, but he could be really serious if you needed him to be. I looked back down at my bible. Our verses to look up were Romans 3:23 and Romans 6:23. Nichole started reading the passage from her Bible.
“Romans 3:23. For all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God.” She read. She flipped in her bible to the next page and began to read the next verse. “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” She looked up. “What does that mean to you guys?” She asked.
I tentatively raised my hand. “I think it means that, even though no one is perfect according to God’s standards, he wants to be with us so much that he paid the price for us to be with him, even if that meant sending his own son to die for us. That way, when we except him as our savior, we get to live with him forever.” I bit my lip. I wasn’t worried that I had gotten something wrong, but it just reminded me so much of Milly.
James nodded. He had never had a really close relationship with Milly, but he had known her for five years and his younger sisters had been her friends. I looked down at my paper and filled in the answer. Nichole looked at the next question on our paper. She started reading it aloud.
“How do you think we can apply this to our lives?” She asked. I knew she was reading the question directly from her worksheet, but her voice had something, a sort of genuineness to it. Everyone looked down at the floor. This time, I didn’t even bother to raise my hand.
“I think we should just be thankful for it and give him praise that he paid the price for us so that we can be with him.” My voice faltered. “Because we need him.” I finished. Everyone except for Nichole was looking at me. She continued to stare at the floor. She picked up her pen and started writing the answer on her paper. Everyone else followed her example. Niki opened the door of the library.
“Are you guys done with your questions?” She asked. Nichole answered that we had, and Niki started to lead us back to the classroom. She turned back to look at me. “You coming?” She said.
“You guys go ahead. I’ll be in there in a minute. I, uh, have to take care of something.” I said.
“You sure?” She asked. Her expression showed concern and understanding.
“Yeah.” I said. “I just be a minute.” I said. She nodded and closed the door, returning to the classroom. I was once again alone in the library. The emptiness was pressing against me, barely giving me room to breath. The air felt as though it had been thickened to the consistency of cake icing, and my palms were sweating.
I walked quickly and silently, telling myself I just needed fresh air. After making sure no one was in the hallway, I slipped out the back door and ran to the pavilion. At that point, I didn’t care about the class I was missing. I just needed out.
The day after I had my complete meltdown at church, I seemed to be in a worse mood than ever. I wasn’t grumpy, I just didn’t really have the emotional strength to talk. I actually gave a note that said I had lost my voice to anyone who asked why I wasn’t talking. It worked for a while. I was able to go through about three days without talking. It was when I got to church that I had problems. Not that people were forcing me to talk or anything. I just couldn’t force myself not to talk. The church was my second home. Whenever someone talked to me, I couldn’t force myself not to answer back. Especially when Niki came over to talk to me.
“How you doin’?” She asked. She looked happy, but worried at the same time. I sighed.
“I’m doing a little better. I’m still a little shaky, though.” She looked confused.
“Shaky?” I held out my hand so that she could see my fingers trembling. “Oh.” She said. “That should go away sooner or later.” She smiled, and I forced myself to do the same.
“How do you do it?” I asked suddenly. She laughed.
“How do I do…what??” She looked puzzled and amused at the same time.
“How do you act like such a big sister all the time?” I asked. It wasn’t exactly the way I had intended the question to come out, but when I heard it, it didn’t sound that bad.
“I don’t know.” She said. “I’ve just got lots of experience, I guess.” She smiled. “And you make it hard not to. You’re like the little sister I never had.” She giggled.
“But you have little sisters…two of them.” I said. She laughed again.
“Yeah, but you’re like the little sister I never had.” She said. I joined her in laughing this time.
“Yes,” I said sarcastically. “Not as…biological.” She laughed.
“Exactly!” She said, still laughing. She looked up. Joe was standing in the front of the class, handing pens to anyone that needed something to write with. We found two chairs next to each other and sat down.
I slipped over the stool and grabbed two worksheets. When I got back to my chair, I handed one worksheet to Niki and pulled a pencil out of my purse. Niki took a pen out of her Bible case. Joe started talking, but I was soon lost in thought again. I didn’t really try to focus on the lesson, so I didn’t get barely any of the information down onto the paper.
I didn’t mentally return to the class until I heard Joe call my name out loud. When I looked up, I realized he was not addressing me, but assigning me to a group. Luckily, I heard him call out the group after us, so I knew which group I was working with. He had assigned us with numbers and I was in group two. Each group had a different work area. Group two’s work space was the library.
When we got to the library, almost everyone took a seat on the floor, leaving the chairs untouched. Everyone who had worked in the library before knew that stretching out on the floor was much more comfortable than being confined to a chair, even a cushioned one, as the ones in the library were. I pulled a book off of the shelf to press against and laid my paper on top of it. I could tell what verse I needed to look up, by glancing at the top of the page. I knew the worksheet layout well enough to at least pretend I had been listening. I heard the sound of thin paper rustling as everyone else turned in their bibles to the verse.
I had to admit I had gotten some of the smarter people in my group. There was James and Becca. They were basically brother and sister. They teased each other all the time and took each others stuff, including hats, purses, and, on rare occasion, cars. Then there was Nichole, the one who had saved me last Sunday, and there was Danny. He goofed of most of the time, but he could be really serious if you needed him to be. I looked back down at my bible. Our verses to look up were Romans 3:23 and Romans 6:23. Nichole started reading the passage from her Bible.
“Romans 3:23. For all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God.” She read. She flipped in her bible to the next page and began to read the next verse. “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” She looked up. “What does that mean to you guys?” She asked.
I tentatively raised my hand. “I think it means that, even though no one is perfect according to God’s standards, he wants to be with us so much that he paid the price for us to be with him, even if that meant sending his own son to die for us. That way, when we except him as our savior, we get to live with him forever.” I bit my lip. I wasn’t worried that I had gotten something wrong, but it just reminded me so much of Milly.
James nodded. He had never had a really close relationship with Milly, but he had known her for five years and his younger sisters had been her friends. I looked down at my paper and filled in the answer. Nichole looked at the next question on our paper. She started reading it aloud.
“How do you think we can apply this to our lives?” She asked. I knew she was reading the question directly from her worksheet, but her voice had something, a sort of genuineness to it. Everyone looked down at the floor. This time, I didn’t even bother to raise my hand.
“I think we should just be thankful for it and give him praise that he paid the price for us so that we can be with him.” My voice faltered. “Because we need him.” I finished. Everyone except for Nichole was looking at me. She continued to stare at the floor. She picked up her pen and started writing the answer on her paper. Everyone else followed her example. Niki opened the door of the library.
“Are you guys done with your questions?” She asked. Nichole answered that we had, and Niki started to lead us back to the classroom. She turned back to look at me. “You coming?” She said.
“You guys go ahead. I’ll be in there in a minute. I, uh, have to take care of something.” I said.
“You sure?” She asked. Her expression showed concern and understanding.
“Yeah.” I said. “I just be a minute.” I said. She nodded and closed the door, returning to the classroom. I was once again alone in the library. The emptiness was pressing against me, barely giving me room to breath. The air felt as though it had been thickened to the consistency of cake icing, and my palms were sweating.
I walked quickly and silently, telling myself I just needed fresh air. After making sure no one was in the hallway, I slipped out the back door and ran to the pavilion. At that point, I didn’t care about the class I was missing. I just needed out.
"Dead Girl"~Niki Belle
“Dead Girl”
I got up the next morning with a sore back which I blamed on staying up for hours in Tod’s room waiting for him. I looked at my cell phone beside my bed. It was nine thirty-four on Tuesday morning. I pulled myself out of the bed and tiptoed to Tod’s room. I peeked in the door and Tod was laying in bed with his comforter piled on top of his legs and torso. I shut the door quietly. If he was still in bed, then he hadn’t talked to dad. I wanted to know what was so important that he was sneaking out at night to do it. He’d been gone for the last three nights as well, but I had decided against telling Dad about it. I didn’t want to get him into any more trouble than he got himself into.
When I got downstairs, Dad was sitting on the couch, flipping through the channels on the TV. He looked up at me when I came down the stairs.
“Good morning, Niki.” He said, returning his attention to the TV. “Did you sleep well?” He asked. He didn’t seem mad at all. He was actually unusually cheery. Almost to the point where it was creepy.
“Umm…fine…I guess.” I said. He reacted as though my reply had contained no ‘ums’ or awkward pauses.
“That’s good.” He said. “I’m glad you slept well. Do you want any breakfast? I went to the store last night and got some Cheerios. I know they’re your favorite. Or I could make you some pancakes, if you want me to.” He said. Something was definitely up. He never acted this…I searched for a word…agreeable. And he was most certainly not this agreeable the morning after learning one of kids had decided to sneak out.
“Um, I guess I’ll just have cereal.” I said. I walked toward the kitchen, pondering the situation in my head. Why would he be this happy? Especially after what happened last night? Did he even remember what had happened last night?
I poured milk on my cereal and took it to the living room to eat it. He was still flipping channels when I sat down, but he didn’t seem to be focusing on it. I looked up at the TV screen. He was flipping through the nine thousands. Every channel was blank. I wondered how long he had been sitting on the couch in order to go through all nine thousand of our channels. When he hit channel 9999, it flipped back to channel 03 and a tennis match started playing on the screen. My dad looked startled and stopped flipping channels long enough to look up at the screen. When he realized what had happened, he continued to scroll through the channels displaying everything from infomercials to cooking shows, to sports, to cartoons.
About fifteen minutes later, Tod came down the stairs. His hair was hanging down in front of his face, and he was rubbing his eyes. My dad looked up and immediately stopped flipping channels. I figured the sight of Tod coming down made him remember the incident last night.
“I hope you slept well.” He said mockingly, as if daring Tod to complain. Tod caught on quickly.
“I did.” He said in a very monotonous tone.
“We have to talk about last night.” Dad said, shutting of the television completely and turning his attention to Tod. “Where were you last night?” Tod looked as though he’d planned an entire speech to answer this question.
“Well, I was going to get something that I left in the woods last night, and I wanted to get it before I went to sleep so I wouldn’t forget. I just slipped out for a second.” He was a good liar, but I could see through him easily. He had gone to carve the tree, just like he’d done every night since Saturday.
“Don’t lie to me. I sat here from one’ o clock until the time you came home. You did not just slip out for a second. Now tell me, where were you?” He was starting to get angry. Tod was white as a sheet. I guess he hadn’t planned on the fact that Dad had waited up for him.
“I was getting my pocket knife…b-but I got lost.” He said.
“If you got lost, why did you say that you only slipped out for a second? You’re lying now too. Tell me the truth.” He said loudly. I was afraid he would wake up the rest of the house, until I realized that Mom and my sisters had gone to a horse exposition today. Tod sighed.
“I was carving something in a tree. I wanted to get it finished as soon as possible, so I snuck out to do it.” Dad’s face turned red.
“You snuck out to carve a tree at four o’ clock in the morning?” He said through gritted teeth. “And then you lied about it?”
“I didn’t want anyone to know about it.” He said. He looked like he was about to cry.
“And why is that? What exactly were you carving on the tree that you didn’t want anyone to know about?” He was calming down a little bit, but he was still angry.
“I was carving a heart,” He paused. “And I didn’t want anyone to know because…because it was for…” He stopped and took a deep breath. “…It was for Milly.” He said.
“This whole thing…all of this…was for Milly?” He spat out the name as though it was something vile.
“I knew you wouldn’t understan-” Dad cut him off.
“I understand perfectly. You’re giving up everything for a girl. You think you love her. You don’t even know what love is, Tod. SHE’S DEAD! YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON! YOU CAN’T SPEND YOUR WHOLE LIFE ON A DEAD GIRL!!!” He yelled. I was shocked. I had never heard him talk to Tod so contemptuously. He had taken the topic of lecturing Tod and turned it into a scream fest about Milly’s death. Tod ran up the stairs, his face tightened with a flood of uncontrollable tears. Dad turned back to the television as though nothing had happened.
I stood up off the couch and took my bowl into the kitchen. When I walked back through the living room, Dad was flipping channels again. I went up the stairs and knocked on Tod’s door. He didn’t answer...and I didn't blame him.
I got up the next morning with a sore back which I blamed on staying up for hours in Tod’s room waiting for him. I looked at my cell phone beside my bed. It was nine thirty-four on Tuesday morning. I pulled myself out of the bed and tiptoed to Tod’s room. I peeked in the door and Tod was laying in bed with his comforter piled on top of his legs and torso. I shut the door quietly. If he was still in bed, then he hadn’t talked to dad. I wanted to know what was so important that he was sneaking out at night to do it. He’d been gone for the last three nights as well, but I had decided against telling Dad about it. I didn’t want to get him into any more trouble than he got himself into.
When I got downstairs, Dad was sitting on the couch, flipping through the channels on the TV. He looked up at me when I came down the stairs.
“Good morning, Niki.” He said, returning his attention to the TV. “Did you sleep well?” He asked. He didn’t seem mad at all. He was actually unusually cheery. Almost to the point where it was creepy.
“Umm…fine…I guess.” I said. He reacted as though my reply had contained no ‘ums’ or awkward pauses.
“That’s good.” He said. “I’m glad you slept well. Do you want any breakfast? I went to the store last night and got some Cheerios. I know they’re your favorite. Or I could make you some pancakes, if you want me to.” He said. Something was definitely up. He never acted this…I searched for a word…agreeable. And he was most certainly not this agreeable the morning after learning one of kids had decided to sneak out.
“Um, I guess I’ll just have cereal.” I said. I walked toward the kitchen, pondering the situation in my head. Why would he be this happy? Especially after what happened last night? Did he even remember what had happened last night?
I poured milk on my cereal and took it to the living room to eat it. He was still flipping channels when I sat down, but he didn’t seem to be focusing on it. I looked up at the TV screen. He was flipping through the nine thousands. Every channel was blank. I wondered how long he had been sitting on the couch in order to go through all nine thousand of our channels. When he hit channel 9999, it flipped back to channel 03 and a tennis match started playing on the screen. My dad looked startled and stopped flipping channels long enough to look up at the screen. When he realized what had happened, he continued to scroll through the channels displaying everything from infomercials to cooking shows, to sports, to cartoons.
About fifteen minutes later, Tod came down the stairs. His hair was hanging down in front of his face, and he was rubbing his eyes. My dad looked up and immediately stopped flipping channels. I figured the sight of Tod coming down made him remember the incident last night.
“I hope you slept well.” He said mockingly, as if daring Tod to complain. Tod caught on quickly.
“I did.” He said in a very monotonous tone.
“We have to talk about last night.” Dad said, shutting of the television completely and turning his attention to Tod. “Where were you last night?” Tod looked as though he’d planned an entire speech to answer this question.
“Well, I was going to get something that I left in the woods last night, and I wanted to get it before I went to sleep so I wouldn’t forget. I just slipped out for a second.” He was a good liar, but I could see through him easily. He had gone to carve the tree, just like he’d done every night since Saturday.
“Don’t lie to me. I sat here from one’ o clock until the time you came home. You did not just slip out for a second. Now tell me, where were you?” He was starting to get angry. Tod was white as a sheet. I guess he hadn’t planned on the fact that Dad had waited up for him.
“I was getting my pocket knife…b-but I got lost.” He said.
“If you got lost, why did you say that you only slipped out for a second? You’re lying now too. Tell me the truth.” He said loudly. I was afraid he would wake up the rest of the house, until I realized that Mom and my sisters had gone to a horse exposition today. Tod sighed.
“I was carving something in a tree. I wanted to get it finished as soon as possible, so I snuck out to do it.” Dad’s face turned red.
“You snuck out to carve a tree at four o’ clock in the morning?” He said through gritted teeth. “And then you lied about it?”
“I didn’t want anyone to know about it.” He said. He looked like he was about to cry.
“And why is that? What exactly were you carving on the tree that you didn’t want anyone to know about?” He was calming down a little bit, but he was still angry.
“I was carving a heart,” He paused. “And I didn’t want anyone to know because…because it was for…” He stopped and took a deep breath. “…It was for Milly.” He said.
“This whole thing…all of this…was for Milly?” He spat out the name as though it was something vile.
“I knew you wouldn’t understan-” Dad cut him off.
“I understand perfectly. You’re giving up everything for a girl. You think you love her. You don’t even know what love is, Tod. SHE’S DEAD! YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON! YOU CAN’T SPEND YOUR WHOLE LIFE ON A DEAD GIRL!!!” He yelled. I was shocked. I had never heard him talk to Tod so contemptuously. He had taken the topic of lecturing Tod and turned it into a scream fest about Milly’s death. Tod ran up the stairs, his face tightened with a flood of uncontrollable tears. Dad turned back to the television as though nothing had happened.
I stood up off the couch and took my bowl into the kitchen. When I walked back through the living room, Dad was flipping channels again. I went up the stairs and knocked on Tod’s door. He didn’t answer...and I didn't blame him.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Searching~Milly Callum
Searching
I wandered down the hall, occasionally pausing to look behind pictures and signs. I didn’t really know what I was looking for. Some kind of writing on the wall, I guess. I didn’t find anything.
I continued on down the red stairs and into the youth room. I inhaled the unique smell of it. I abandoned any former thoughts and let myself get lost in the memories that that one room held. I couldn’t so much as walk into the youth room without completely indulging myself in it’s familiarity. Everything else around me seemed different; strange, but not scary. I couldn’t think of a better word to describe it; it was just different. But the youth room remained the same. I could not step into the room without stepping back in time. It held so much, yet I could see it was visibly empty. I wandered past the youth room and into the kitchen. I could almost smell the dinners I had enjoyed every Wednesday until we left the church.
During my life, I had tried not to regret much, but leaving the church was something I had completely hated. I hated that I felt like I was abandoning my friends. I hated that I wasn’t able to just give them all a big hug and tell them it was all going to be okay and let them cry on my shoulder. And now I was even further away. I looked down. Like Ali said, they would move on someday. They all would. They couldn’t remember me their whole lives. They would go insane. I just wished I could help them. From where I was, I could do nothing. I knew for a fact that I would never forget them. Second to Jesus, they had been the most important people in my life, tied with my family. Some of them had just been my friends. Others had been my sisters. A handful of them had been my angels. Out of all the people at the church, Tod and Ali had been my angels. I wanted them with me now. I wanted them to be able to live in this paradise with me. I wished I could give them a sign. Just to tell them that I was okay and that I would see them again soon.
“No.” I argued with myself aloud. “That would only make them miss me more.” I paused. “I know it makes me miss them more.” I could not put them through the same thing I was enduring now. It was heart wrenching to know that they were down on earth, suffering, and I could do nothing for them. I wanted to help them, I really did, but I knew there was no way. I was in heaven, and they were on earth.
No matter how much I tried, and no matter how much they tried, there was a bridge neither of us could cross. I sighed and continued my journey through the church. All I could do now was to wait for them to join me. I fell face down on to the row of cushioned chairs in front of me. They wouldn’t join me for well over fifty years. I lifted my head off the cushion and smiled. But when I did see them again, I would spend an eternity with them. And for that, I could not be more thankful.
I wandered down the hall, occasionally pausing to look behind pictures and signs. I didn’t really know what I was looking for. Some kind of writing on the wall, I guess. I didn’t find anything.
I continued on down the red stairs and into the youth room. I inhaled the unique smell of it. I abandoned any former thoughts and let myself get lost in the memories that that one room held. I couldn’t so much as walk into the youth room without completely indulging myself in it’s familiarity. Everything else around me seemed different; strange, but not scary. I couldn’t think of a better word to describe it; it was just different. But the youth room remained the same. I could not step into the room without stepping back in time. It held so much, yet I could see it was visibly empty. I wandered past the youth room and into the kitchen. I could almost smell the dinners I had enjoyed every Wednesday until we left the church.
During my life, I had tried not to regret much, but leaving the church was something I had completely hated. I hated that I felt like I was abandoning my friends. I hated that I wasn’t able to just give them all a big hug and tell them it was all going to be okay and let them cry on my shoulder. And now I was even further away. I looked down. Like Ali said, they would move on someday. They all would. They couldn’t remember me their whole lives. They would go insane. I just wished I could help them. From where I was, I could do nothing. I knew for a fact that I would never forget them. Second to Jesus, they had been the most important people in my life, tied with my family. Some of them had just been my friends. Others had been my sisters. A handful of them had been my angels. Out of all the people at the church, Tod and Ali had been my angels. I wanted them with me now. I wanted them to be able to live in this paradise with me. I wished I could give them a sign. Just to tell them that I was okay and that I would see them again soon.
“No.” I argued with myself aloud. “That would only make them miss me more.” I paused. “I know it makes me miss them more.” I could not put them through the same thing I was enduring now. It was heart wrenching to know that they were down on earth, suffering, and I could do nothing for them. I wanted to help them, I really did, but I knew there was no way. I was in heaven, and they were on earth.
No matter how much I tried, and no matter how much they tried, there was a bridge neither of us could cross. I sighed and continued my journey through the church. All I could do now was to wait for them to join me. I fell face down on to the row of cushioned chairs in front of me. They wouldn’t join me for well over fifty years. I lifted my head off the cushion and smiled. But when I did see them again, I would spend an eternity with them. And for that, I could not be more thankful.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Wasn't Ready~Tod Belle
Wasn't Ready
I snuck out the back door and down the porch stairs. Once I was in the grass, my walk turned to a run, then to a sprint. Trees flashed past me and my shirt caught on a branch ever so often. I had no need of a flashlight, even this late at night. The moon was full and I knew the path well. When I was deep in the woods, I turned back to make sure the lights in the house remained off. All of the windows were dark. I smiled to myself. They would never notice I was gone.
I continued down the path to the tree I was carving. When I got there, I pulled out my pocked light and shone it on the carving in the tree. I took out my pocket knife and whittled away at the shape for at least an hour. My wrist began cramping, but I kept on. I blew away the sawdust that was now collecting in the line I had carved. I could see, with the help of the flashlight, that I had carved about an inch into the trunk of the massive tree. I had just a little more to go before I could pry the shape out of the trunk of the tree. Once I did that, there would be just enough space in between them to fit the note I had written.
I kept carving, humming an improvised tune as I worked. When I had carved another quarter of an inch, I wedged the knife under the bottom point of the heart. I pressed down on the handle of the knife, and I heard the wood break away from the inner part of the trunk. I gave the knife one final shove, and the piece I had spent days carving came out in my hand. I looked back at the shaped indent it had left. I ran my hand over the smooth surface it had left.
I looked at my watch and gasped. If I didn’t get back soon, Dad would realize I had snuck out and I would be in so much trouble. I picked up my knife and my flashlight and shoved them both in my pocket. I picked up the carved wooden heart and slipped it back into the trunk of the tree. It fit snugly, like a puzzle piece. I got up and ran in the direction of my house. I made sure not to run into any tree branches, now that I could see more clearly. If I got home late and had to jump into bed with my clothes on, I didn’t want to look like I’d just sprinted through the woods, which I had. I came around the barn, and didn’t see a single light on in the house. I sighed with relief. My dad wasn’t up yet, so I could easily sneak back in the house without anyone noticing. I climbed the back porch steps quietly. I opened the glass door as noiselessly as I could, my back facing the living room. I made sure the door didn’t slam, and I turned to go up the stairs. I stopped right in the middle of the floor.
“Where have you been?” My dad said tensely from his place on the couch. I searched my mind for an excuse as to why I had been outside at near four o’ clock in the morning. I drew a blank.
“I’m waiting.” He said. I knew there was nothing I could say that would get me out of this. But if I told him why I was out tonight, I would have to explain how I’d snuck out three nights before then.
“I was just getting something that I left in the woods earlier.” I said. I tried to make myself sound as convincing as possible, but his face still looked stern.
“Get up to your room and get some sleep. I’ll deal with you in the morning.” At that point, I did the only thing I could to better the situation. I obeyed. If I had tried to argue, I would’ve only gotten in to more trouble. I turned and trudged up the stairs. I was lucky to have gotten off as easily as I did. Of course, morning would tell what I’d really gotten myself into.
I opened my room and was met by yet another one of my family members. Niki recited Dad’s speech as though she’d been listening to the whole conversation.
“Where have you been?” She started. I wouldn’t argue with Dad, but with Niki, my confidence overpowered my sense.
“None of your business.” I said angrily. She had no right to be asking my questions about where I went. I could go where I wanted to. She didn’t control me.
“Fine.” She said. “If you don’t want to tell me about your little project, that’s fine with me.” I jerked my head up.
“You knew where I was the whole time.” I hated how she knew what I was doing. I couldn’t keep anything a secret from her.
“I wasn’t working on my project.” I lied. “I just want to go to bed right now.” Another lie. She gave in.
“Fine. I’ll leave.” She said. “But we’ll talk in the morning.” She said matter-of-factly.
“Don’t sound so sure.” I said. I knew we would talk. I just didn’t let her know that I knew.
After she left, closing the door behind her, I climbed into bed and turned on my side. Getting into trouble was not what worried me. It was the fact that they might find out what I was doing for Milly. It wasn’t that I was embarrassed…I just wasn’t ready to tell them yet.
I snuck out the back door and down the porch stairs. Once I was in the grass, my walk turned to a run, then to a sprint. Trees flashed past me and my shirt caught on a branch ever so often. I had no need of a flashlight, even this late at night. The moon was full and I knew the path well. When I was deep in the woods, I turned back to make sure the lights in the house remained off. All of the windows were dark. I smiled to myself. They would never notice I was gone.
I continued down the path to the tree I was carving. When I got there, I pulled out my pocked light and shone it on the carving in the tree. I took out my pocket knife and whittled away at the shape for at least an hour. My wrist began cramping, but I kept on. I blew away the sawdust that was now collecting in the line I had carved. I could see, with the help of the flashlight, that I had carved about an inch into the trunk of the massive tree. I had just a little more to go before I could pry the shape out of the trunk of the tree. Once I did that, there would be just enough space in between them to fit the note I had written.
I kept carving, humming an improvised tune as I worked. When I had carved another quarter of an inch, I wedged the knife under the bottom point of the heart. I pressed down on the handle of the knife, and I heard the wood break away from the inner part of the trunk. I gave the knife one final shove, and the piece I had spent days carving came out in my hand. I looked back at the shaped indent it had left. I ran my hand over the smooth surface it had left.
I looked at my watch and gasped. If I didn’t get back soon, Dad would realize I had snuck out and I would be in so much trouble. I picked up my knife and my flashlight and shoved them both in my pocket. I picked up the carved wooden heart and slipped it back into the trunk of the tree. It fit snugly, like a puzzle piece. I got up and ran in the direction of my house. I made sure not to run into any tree branches, now that I could see more clearly. If I got home late and had to jump into bed with my clothes on, I didn’t want to look like I’d just sprinted through the woods, which I had. I came around the barn, and didn’t see a single light on in the house. I sighed with relief. My dad wasn’t up yet, so I could easily sneak back in the house without anyone noticing. I climbed the back porch steps quietly. I opened the glass door as noiselessly as I could, my back facing the living room. I made sure the door didn’t slam, and I turned to go up the stairs. I stopped right in the middle of the floor.
“Where have you been?” My dad said tensely from his place on the couch. I searched my mind for an excuse as to why I had been outside at near four o’ clock in the morning. I drew a blank.
“I’m waiting.” He said. I knew there was nothing I could say that would get me out of this. But if I told him why I was out tonight, I would have to explain how I’d snuck out three nights before then.
“I was just getting something that I left in the woods earlier.” I said. I tried to make myself sound as convincing as possible, but his face still looked stern.
“Get up to your room and get some sleep. I’ll deal with you in the morning.” At that point, I did the only thing I could to better the situation. I obeyed. If I had tried to argue, I would’ve only gotten in to more trouble. I turned and trudged up the stairs. I was lucky to have gotten off as easily as I did. Of course, morning would tell what I’d really gotten myself into.
I opened my room and was met by yet another one of my family members. Niki recited Dad’s speech as though she’d been listening to the whole conversation.
“Where have you been?” She started. I wouldn’t argue with Dad, but with Niki, my confidence overpowered my sense.
“None of your business.” I said angrily. She had no right to be asking my questions about where I went. I could go where I wanted to. She didn’t control me.
“Fine.” She said. “If you don’t want to tell me about your little project, that’s fine with me.” I jerked my head up.
“You knew where I was the whole time.” I hated how she knew what I was doing. I couldn’t keep anything a secret from her.
“I wasn’t working on my project.” I lied. “I just want to go to bed right now.” Another lie. She gave in.
“Fine. I’ll leave.” She said. “But we’ll talk in the morning.” She said matter-of-factly.
“Don’t sound so sure.” I said. I knew we would talk. I just didn’t let her know that I knew.
After she left, closing the door behind her, I climbed into bed and turned on my side. Getting into trouble was not what worried me. It was the fact that they might find out what I was doing for Milly. It wasn’t that I was embarrassed…I just wasn’t ready to tell them yet.
Whatever it Takes~Cassy Callum
Whatever it Takes
“Lisa, I didn’t mean to make you mad earlier, I jus-” I started. I saw Lisa spread across Milly’s bed. She was breathing heavily and shaking slightly. “Oh no.” I said, walking over to her and shaking her. This was not happening again. “Mom!!” I yelled. “Lisa collapsed again!!!” I heard my mother running down the hall. By the time she got there, I was in tears. She came in and turned Lisa over on her back, just like the doctor had told her to do if it happened again. Just a few seconds after she did that, Lisa stopped shaking and her breathing returned to normal. My mother shook her arm gently. Her eyes fluttered open, and I had to consciously stop myself from throwing my arms around her and squealing.
“Are you okay?” My mom asked. Lisa looked as though she was going to be sick.
“Did I collapse again?” She said. She pressed her hand to her forehead and groaned. She almost fell back against the pillows, but mom caught her and propped her up with her arm.
“Yes, you did. Come on. We need to get you in your own bed so you can get some rest.” She said. Lisa started to protest, but mom stopped her before she could make a reasonable argument.
“But, I nee-” She stopped and fell back against mom’s arms.
“You can barely sit up strait as it is.” She helped Lisa to stand up slowly. “The only think you need right now is rest. Come on.” She led Lisa down the hall and to her room. “Cassy,” she said. I turned my head to face her.
“Yes?” I asked.
“Go get your sister a cold washcloth for her forehead.” She said. She faced forward again, leaving me to my job. I ran down the hall to the bathroom and ran a washrag under the tap until it was completely wet. I wrung as much water out of it as I could. When I got back to Lisa’s room, mom was helping her get situated on the bed. I brought the washcloth over and laid it gently on Lisa’s forehead. She winced slightly when the wet material toughed her head, but after a second, she relaxed and her head sunk back into the pillow. I wished I could help her. I wished I could understand what she was going through.
I wanted to stay with Lisa, but as soon as she was comfortable, mom ushered me out of the room.
“See you later. I hope you feel better.” I said. Her only response was to put her hand to her forehead and groan. I shut the door behind me. I vowed then and there to help her in any way I could. I went to my room and got my pillow, blanket, and my favorite stuffed animal. It was a purple bunny that I had had since before I could remember. I went back to Lisa’s door, and set my pillow and blanket on the floor. I would not leave until Lisa was better. I didn’t care how long it took. I would be there for her.
I laid down at the door and closed my eyes, hugging my stuffed bunny tightly.
When I woke up, Lisa was still in her room, so I went to check on her. She was laying the bed, but she was awake.
“Hi Cassy.” Despite our earlier conversation, she looked pleased to see me. She looked like she would’ve been pleased to see anyone at that point.
“Hi Lisa.” I started. “I’m sorry I bothered you earlier today. I didn’t mean to make you mad.” I looked up.
“No. You don’t need to apologize. I’m the one who’s sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. You didn’t do anything wrong.” She said.
“Yeah, but I didn’t really do anything right, either.” I said. She looked up at me.
“What do you mean? You’ve done everything right.” She said.
“But you said that I would never understand you. But I tried hard, I really did. But I guess I didn’t try hard enough.” I said. She shook her head.
“Cassy, forget about what I said. I was just mad when I said that, and I said some things I didn’t mean. I never really gave you a chance to understand. I know that now.” She paused. “I was wrong for saying that stuff to you.” She hung her head. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I‘m sorry.” She said. I stood awkwardly in the doorway with my hands behind my back.
“It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to.” I said. I looked around the room, trying to think of something else to say. “Do you want me to get you something to drink?” I asked. I wanted to help her in any way I could.
“Sure.” She answered. “Thanks.” She laid back against the pillows that surrounded her.
“No problem.” I said. I wasn’t sure what I needed to do to help her, but I would do whatever it took.
“Lisa, I didn’t mean to make you mad earlier, I jus-” I started. I saw Lisa spread across Milly’s bed. She was breathing heavily and shaking slightly. “Oh no.” I said, walking over to her and shaking her. This was not happening again. “Mom!!” I yelled. “Lisa collapsed again!!!” I heard my mother running down the hall. By the time she got there, I was in tears. She came in and turned Lisa over on her back, just like the doctor had told her to do if it happened again. Just a few seconds after she did that, Lisa stopped shaking and her breathing returned to normal. My mother shook her arm gently. Her eyes fluttered open, and I had to consciously stop myself from throwing my arms around her and squealing.
“Are you okay?” My mom asked. Lisa looked as though she was going to be sick.
“Did I collapse again?” She said. She pressed her hand to her forehead and groaned. She almost fell back against the pillows, but mom caught her and propped her up with her arm.
“Yes, you did. Come on. We need to get you in your own bed so you can get some rest.” She said. Lisa started to protest, but mom stopped her before she could make a reasonable argument.
“But, I nee-” She stopped and fell back against mom’s arms.
“You can barely sit up strait as it is.” She helped Lisa to stand up slowly. “The only think you need right now is rest. Come on.” She led Lisa down the hall and to her room. “Cassy,” she said. I turned my head to face her.
“Yes?” I asked.
“Go get your sister a cold washcloth for her forehead.” She said. She faced forward again, leaving me to my job. I ran down the hall to the bathroom and ran a washrag under the tap until it was completely wet. I wrung as much water out of it as I could. When I got back to Lisa’s room, mom was helping her get situated on the bed. I brought the washcloth over and laid it gently on Lisa’s forehead. She winced slightly when the wet material toughed her head, but after a second, she relaxed and her head sunk back into the pillow. I wished I could help her. I wished I could understand what she was going through.
I wanted to stay with Lisa, but as soon as she was comfortable, mom ushered me out of the room.
“See you later. I hope you feel better.” I said. Her only response was to put her hand to her forehead and groan. I shut the door behind me. I vowed then and there to help her in any way I could. I went to my room and got my pillow, blanket, and my favorite stuffed animal. It was a purple bunny that I had had since before I could remember. I went back to Lisa’s door, and set my pillow and blanket on the floor. I would not leave until Lisa was better. I didn’t care how long it took. I would be there for her.
I laid down at the door and closed my eyes, hugging my stuffed bunny tightly.
When I woke up, Lisa was still in her room, so I went to check on her. She was laying the bed, but she was awake.
“Hi Cassy.” Despite our earlier conversation, she looked pleased to see me. She looked like she would’ve been pleased to see anyone at that point.
“Hi Lisa.” I started. “I’m sorry I bothered you earlier today. I didn’t mean to make you mad.” I looked up.
“No. You don’t need to apologize. I’m the one who’s sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. You didn’t do anything wrong.” She said.
“Yeah, but I didn’t really do anything right, either.” I said. She looked up at me.
“What do you mean? You’ve done everything right.” She said.
“But you said that I would never understand you. But I tried hard, I really did. But I guess I didn’t try hard enough.” I said. She shook her head.
“Cassy, forget about what I said. I was just mad when I said that, and I said some things I didn’t mean. I never really gave you a chance to understand. I know that now.” She paused. “I was wrong for saying that stuff to you.” She hung her head. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I‘m sorry.” She said. I stood awkwardly in the doorway with my hands behind my back.
“It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to.” I said. I looked around the room, trying to think of something else to say. “Do you want me to get you something to drink?” I asked. I wanted to help her in any way I could.
“Sure.” She answered. “Thanks.” She laid back against the pillows that surrounded her.
“No problem.” I said. I wasn’t sure what I needed to do to help her, but I would do whatever it took.
Can't Let Go~Ali Cummings
Can't Let Go
As soon as the worship service was over, I vowed to make it out of the sanctuary as soon as I possibly could. We sang the closing hymn, and I grabbed my purse and headed for the narthex. I knew where I would hide. I was going to the library. No one would find for me there, if they even bothered to look. When I got to the library, I crumpled onto the floor and leaned against the wall, letting the tears fall from my eyes, unrestrained for the first time. I did not try to stop them. At that point, I didn’t care who saw me.
The door opened and I looked up to see Niki standing in the doorway. She seemed to swoop down and sit beside me. She put her hand on my shoulder.
“What’s wrong?” She asked, rubbing my shoulder.
“I can’t let her go, Niki. I just can’t. She meant too much to me.” She had been my sister and my angel. She had been like family to me.
“No. No. I understand. I can’t let her go either. I don’t think anyone who knew her ever will. She was too good of a person.” She paused. “But, what makes you think you have to let her go?” She asked.
“Well, I’ll have to let her go eventually. I mean, it’s not like she’s going to come back. She’s dead now, and she’ll still be dead years from now.” I fresh wave of tears spilled over the edge of my eyelids.
“Well, yeah, you have to move on with your life, but you don’t have to forget her. I don’t think we could forget her if we tried.” How did she always know what to say? Why was it so easy for her?
“But it’s hard.” I said. I knew I sounded like a baby, but I couldn’t think of anything better to say. “It hurts.” I said. I felt like a child talking to their mother after having woken up from a nightmare.
“I know it does. But it will get better, I promise. It’ll still be painful, but it won’t hurt as bad.” She said. She wrapped her arms around me. “Everything is gonna be fine” I laid my head on her shoulder and cried. I didn’t know what else I could do. Words wouldn’t express how much I was hurting, and I didn’t have strength to even hold my head up.
I couldn’t believe how much I needed Niki then. She was my resting place. A place I could just cry and not say anything. She just held me and rocked me on the floor of the library while everyone else was in the fellowship hall eating their Sunday covered-dish lunch. When I had finally regained my composure, she took into the fellowship hall. There wasn’t much food left, but since neither one of us was very hungry we just took a little of what was left. We walked outside and ate our lunch on the pavilion. We didn’t say much, but there wasn’t much that needed to be said. After we had finished our small lunch, I climbed into her car and she drove me home. Before I got out of the car, I hugged her tight.
“Thank you so much.” I whispered in her ear.
“You’re welcome. Take care, okay?” She smiled, but she looked concerned at the same time.
“I will.” I said. I tried to at least force a smile, but the corners of my mouth suddenly weighed a ton, and I found that I couldn’t lift them up any reasonable distance, so I just nodded. I walked up the ramp to my house and watched her drive out of the driveway.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Can't Understand~Lisa Callum
Can’t Understand
When we got home from the hospital, I headed strait for Milly’s room, after assuring mom that I would take the pills the doctor had given me as soon as I had the chance. Her room was exactly like it was when we had left for chik-fil-a the night of the car accident. I swallowed, remembering the reason I no longer had a sister. I killed her. I thought. I’m the reason she’s dead. I shook my head, trying to banish the evil thoughts, but they echoed inside my head with no way to escape. I sighed and began to meticulously look through the drawer of her bedside table. I desperately wanted to leave everything undisturbed, but this was something Milly would want. It was the least I could do. I sifted through the hair ties, pencils, pens, coins, pictures, and notes, and piled them on to her bed until I got to the bottom. I was about to pile the assorted items back into the drawer when I noticed the bottom of the drawer give, ever so slightly. I pressed down against it, with my hand against the bottom. The one I pressed down on compressed under the force I applied to it. The bottom of the drawer did not bend in response. I laughed. Not a single person on this earth could tell me that my sister was not clever. I pulled the drawer out fully and pried out the false bottom. Under it was not one, but several notes, all meant for the same person. I read the name written on the outside of the notes.
“Tod Belle.” I read. “Milly, you could’ve been a great spy.” I said, pulling out each note, one by one, and reading it to myself. “There must be twenty or thirty notes in here.” All of the notes were handwritten and most of them were at least two pages, front and back. “Where did you get the time to write all of these, without anyone noticing?” I asked. I knew she could not possibly answer me from where she was, but asking the question somehow made me feel as though she was not completely gone. Like a part of her remained, even if only in my mind.
Finally I found the one note I had been looking for from the beginning. I recognized the opening line of the note. It was the only one I had known she had written before I found the others in the bottom of the drawer. I knew exactly what to do with it. I would give it to Tod the next time I saw him. I sighed heavily. I wouldn’t see him again until the next Teen Game Night at his house. That would be a month from now. Oh well, I would just have to wait until then.
“Lisa?” I heard a knock on the door, interrupting my thoughts. Cassy opened the door and stepped into the room. I quickly hid the notes I had been reading back in the drawer, replacing the false bottom.
“Lisa, what are you doing in Milly’s room?” She asked. She spotted the pile of things on Milly’s bed. She looked shocked, as though I’d disturbed something sacred. “Why are you messing with her stuff?” She said, her voice getting louder.
“Cassy, it’s okay. I was just looking for something to remember how,” My voice was shaky. “how she was.” Cassy’s look of anger softened.
“Oh.” She said. She looked crushed, like something important had been taken away from her. She stood silent for a few seconds. Suddenly she burst out, “Why do you always want to be alone?” She said it a little louder than her normal voice, but she wasn’t quite yelling. I looked down. She had a right to be angry with me.
“Because I just understand things better when I’m alone.” My voice came out being far more accusing than I had meant for it to be. “I’m sorry.” I said. “I know it’s not good that I’m alone all the time. Their’s just know one who knows how I feel right now.” Cassy looked hurt.
“I understand-”
“No, you don’t Cassy! You can’t possibly understand how I feel. You never will!” Cassy ran out of the door, and I immediately felt guilty. I’ve already lost one sister, and now I was pushing the other one away. Why couldn’t I let anyone in? Everything I did was either pushing something away or blocking something out. The last person I let in had hurt me, badly. But that was years ago. Why couldn’t I let it go and move on with my life? I couldn’t. I couldn’t forget how badly my father had hurt me. I would never be the same because of him. He had taken something that wasn’t his to take. I hadn’t given it to him. He had stolen it. I tried to push away the memories, but they overcame me. They made me feel weak. I had never wanted to grow up that fast. But I had no choice in the matter. I felt lightheaded. Before I had a chance to steady myself, I collapsed onto Milly’s bed.
When we got home from the hospital, I headed strait for Milly’s room, after assuring mom that I would take the pills the doctor had given me as soon as I had the chance. Her room was exactly like it was when we had left for chik-fil-a the night of the car accident. I swallowed, remembering the reason I no longer had a sister. I killed her. I thought. I’m the reason she’s dead. I shook my head, trying to banish the evil thoughts, but they echoed inside my head with no way to escape. I sighed and began to meticulously look through the drawer of her bedside table. I desperately wanted to leave everything undisturbed, but this was something Milly would want. It was the least I could do. I sifted through the hair ties, pencils, pens, coins, pictures, and notes, and piled them on to her bed until I got to the bottom. I was about to pile the assorted items back into the drawer when I noticed the bottom of the drawer give, ever so slightly. I pressed down against it, with my hand against the bottom. The one I pressed down on compressed under the force I applied to it. The bottom of the drawer did not bend in response. I laughed. Not a single person on this earth could tell me that my sister was not clever. I pulled the drawer out fully and pried out the false bottom. Under it was not one, but several notes, all meant for the same person. I read the name written on the outside of the notes.
“Tod Belle.” I read. “Milly, you could’ve been a great spy.” I said, pulling out each note, one by one, and reading it to myself. “There must be twenty or thirty notes in here.” All of the notes were handwritten and most of them were at least two pages, front and back. “Where did you get the time to write all of these, without anyone noticing?” I asked. I knew she could not possibly answer me from where she was, but asking the question somehow made me feel as though she was not completely gone. Like a part of her remained, even if only in my mind.
Finally I found the one note I had been looking for from the beginning. I recognized the opening line of the note. It was the only one I had known she had written before I found the others in the bottom of the drawer. I knew exactly what to do with it. I would give it to Tod the next time I saw him. I sighed heavily. I wouldn’t see him again until the next Teen Game Night at his house. That would be a month from now. Oh well, I would just have to wait until then.
“Lisa?” I heard a knock on the door, interrupting my thoughts. Cassy opened the door and stepped into the room. I quickly hid the notes I had been reading back in the drawer, replacing the false bottom.
“Lisa, what are you doing in Milly’s room?” She asked. She spotted the pile of things on Milly’s bed. She looked shocked, as though I’d disturbed something sacred. “Why are you messing with her stuff?” She said, her voice getting louder.
“Cassy, it’s okay. I was just looking for something to remember how,” My voice was shaky. “how she was.” Cassy’s look of anger softened.
“Oh.” She said. She looked crushed, like something important had been taken away from her. She stood silent for a few seconds. Suddenly she burst out, “Why do you always want to be alone?” She said it a little louder than her normal voice, but she wasn’t quite yelling. I looked down. She had a right to be angry with me.
“Because I just understand things better when I’m alone.” My voice came out being far more accusing than I had meant for it to be. “I’m sorry.” I said. “I know it’s not good that I’m alone all the time. Their’s just know one who knows how I feel right now.” Cassy looked hurt.
“I understand-”
“No, you don’t Cassy! You can’t possibly understand how I feel. You never will!” Cassy ran out of the door, and I immediately felt guilty. I’ve already lost one sister, and now I was pushing the other one away. Why couldn’t I let anyone in? Everything I did was either pushing something away or blocking something out. The last person I let in had hurt me, badly. But that was years ago. Why couldn’t I let it go and move on with my life? I couldn’t. I couldn’t forget how badly my father had hurt me. I would never be the same because of him. He had taken something that wasn’t his to take. I hadn’t given it to him. He had stolen it. I tried to push away the memories, but they overcame me. They made me feel weak. I had never wanted to grow up that fast. But I had no choice in the matter. I felt lightheaded. Before I had a chance to steady myself, I collapsed onto Milly’s bed.
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