God's Promises~Niki Belle

God’s Promises


I stood near enough to the open casket to see Tod’s body lying motionless inside of it. I could almost see his happy grin plastered on to his face as I watched him, but my heart broke as I remembered that I wouldn’t see that smile for a very long time. “Tod.” I moaned under my breath. “Why did you give up?” I asked, knowing no answer would come. I pried my eyes from his face, forcing myself to look the other way. But looking away would not make him come back and thinking of this only hurt more.
I tried to put all the pieces of the recent events together. The night in the woods, the tree falling. I pushed away the blame that filled my mind. I couldn’t have saved him. I almost didn’t get out of the way in t-. I stopped mid-thought. I went through every detail of that night, not wanting to be mistaken. I remembered the force he had applied to my shoulders with his arms, pushing me out of the way of the tree. He could’ve pushed me with his whole body and saved both of us. But he stayed. He knew the tree would kill him, and he didn’t want to fight it. And he didn’t want me to have time to save him. I blinked a let the tears that were clinging to my eyelashes roll down my cheeks.
Avoiding the coffin, I turned around the room, trying to decide whether to run or collapse. All around me people were swirling through the room, offering condolences to my parents and Mia. I stood off the side by myself, forgetting what was around me. My surroundings felt like snow that was swirling around, never touching my skin or giving me even the slightest reason to look closely at it. Each person was a snowflake, passing in front of me, unnoticed and unimportant.
I felt lost, but at the same time, everything was screaming inside of me where I was and what had happened. Tod was dead. And nothing would ever be the same.
Someone tapped me on the shoulder and I whirled around, startled, to see Ali standing behind me. She looked scared, broken almost. I could see the corners of her mouth moving in an effort to keep from crying, and I noticed for the second time the tears that were making their way steadily down my face.
“Niki, I’m so sorry.” She said. I heard her voice crack the instant she spoke. I felt like falling to my knees and crying like I had the night he died, but I told myself this would do nothing.
“I’ll be fine.” I choked back fresh tears. “It’ll get better.” I was more convincing myself of this than I was her. Her eyes shone with more tears and once again, my heart broke. This was a time in life when we had both lost something. More important, we had both lost someone. It did not matter who was suffering more, or how they were suffering. We were both hurt. We both needed some kind of comfort.
She spoke my thoughts aloud. “I’ll be praying for you, Niki.” She said. Her lip trembled once again and she took a deep breath. “I promise.” I bit my bottom lip, unable to think of anything to say.
“Thank you,” was all I could muster at that point. Ali nodded and turned to walk away. I looked at the floor and then back at her. I had done this a million times before, but it had never been this hard. While she was still in earshot, I called her back.
“Ali, wait.” I said. She turned back to face me, and I could see that she had finally the let the tears fall from her eyes. I sighed. “Do you think…you could pray with me now?” I asked, completely letting my guard down.
She looked torn. After a moment of thought, she nodded and stepped into her original position. She looked at the pew beside us. Instantly understanding her, I nodded and sat down on the pew. She took a seat beside me and I held out my hands for her to take. She placed her hand into mine and for at least a minute we sat in silence. I had no idea what to say. Surely, no words would heal this hurt. No words could ask for such a gift of healing. I could say nothing that would be acceptable in God’s eyes right now.
I stopped myself. After all that I had done in my life, he still viewed me as perfect. Did this change because of a tragedy. I had no words to say. But he already knew what I needed. I bit my lip and continued my silent thoughts. Finally, I knew what to say.
“Father,” I started. “I’m hurt. I don’t know what to do to make this pain stop, or go away. Right now, I’m only sure of one thing. I need you. You’ll keep me where I need to be, and you’ll help me through the times when I think I can’t go on.” My voice broke. “I know that I won’t ever be the same. But I know you’ll keep me safe, even when I forget the meaning of the word. I need you now, Dad.” I said, speaking to him as I would speak to my earthly father, but with more trust. I felt my voice crack and my I shut my eyes tightly, not trying to cover my tears. “Daddy, please don’t leave me.” I said. In my own head, I heard a firm promise. I’m here with you, Niki. Don’t be afraid. I love you, and I will never leave you. Come to me. I’ll be here. My eyes flooded with a fresh flow of tears. “Thank you, Daddy.” I prayed out loud. “Thank you for being with me.”
When I opened my eyes, Ali was still holding my hands tightly, as if they were the only things keeping her safe. She looked up, aware that I had stopped, and I saw tears rolling down her face like rain.
“Niki, how do you know it will get better? Everything is falling down around you, but you’re always so strong. How do you know?” She asked. I tried to pinpoint the exact reason I felt so surely about all these things. The fact that I would heal. The fact that there was a place I could be safe. The fact that things would get better. I stumbled across something I had said to Tod just days before.
“God keeps his promises.” I said. She nodded her head. She hugged me tightly around the neck and I held on to her like a little child.
“Yeah,” She said. “He does.”