Messes and Memories~Lisa Callum

Messes and Memories

Before I had even completely woken up, Cassy bound into my room with a cake mix box in her hand. “Lisa, can we cook something today? I found mommy’s recipe for the cookies we used to make. It’ll be just like when we were little. Please, Lisa?” She asked all in one breath. I smiled at the chance to spend some time with her. I had been trying to do more of that.
“Yeah.” I said. “Just let me get dressed.” I looked down at my camisole and shorts and decided I would rather just brush my teeth and comb my hair. I could use a little lounge time, and I couldn’t remember the last time I had baked cookies in my pajamas. I missed it sometimes.
“Thanks, Lisa. I’ll wait for you in the kitchen. Hurry, so we can start!” She said, already skipping out of the door and into the next room.
The room was silent as soon as she left. It gave me a minute to think. I was starting to wonder if maybe our family was finally coming together. It was weird to think that, having recently lost two of our members, but the ones remaining----Mom, Cassy, and I----had never been closer. And every day seemed to improve the situation.
It only took me a minute to yank a brush through my pin straight hair. Then I made my way to the kitchen to find Cassy already mixing ingredients in a glass bowl. During the divorce, she had learned how to cook a lot of things, because Mom and I had always been tired and Milly kept going off by herself.
“Milly, have you seen the…” I stopped where I was. “Milly, what…what is this?” I asked. She dropped her head. She couldn’t even look at me.
She was sitting on the edge of her bed with a knife in her hand and her bleeding arm lying on a bloodstained towel. There were tears streaming down her face and the palm of her hand was covered in fresh blood. The air was thick with the smell of it.
She stood up from the bed and started putting things away. Before she could slip the knife into her bedside table drawer, I grabbed her wrist and she winced in pain. The pulse flowing steadily under my fingertips alerted me that the blood was still flowing freely. I turned her arm over quickly and found where the slit on her arm stopped. After yanking the ribbon out of my hair and tying it tight at the top of the cut, I let her hand slip from my grasp.
I looked at the drying blood on my hand, refusing to believe what was happening. I looked at Milly for some kind of answer, but I regretted it as soon as I did. Her head was hung down and she was shaking with the effort of holding back tears.
"Milly..." I started. I had almost too many questions to sort through. I started at the beginning. "How long have you been...doing this?"
She took a shaky breath, but replied quickly. "Two weeks." She said plainly.
"Why did you do it?" I was amazed at how calm my voice was staying. I told myself to leave things as they were. If I could remain unemotional for now, there was no reason interfere.
She shook her head. "I don't even know. It was like when I was doing it, nothing else mattered. I thought maybe it would wake me up, but it just became an addiction. I know it seems stupid, but I don't know how to stop." She said. When she finished, her shaking hands were in fists and the tears were flowing again.
"Milly." She looked up in response. "Can you promise me something?" I asked. She looked at my and nodded.
"You have to promise me," I started. "That you will not do this again." My voice broke. "I don't want to lose you." A flash of acknowledgement crossed her face and then she hung her head, ashamed. I walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her shaky shoulders. "I don't ever want to lose you." I said, pulling her tighter against my chest.
"You won't." She whispered against my shoulder. Her shoulder relaxed and I heard the knife clatter to the floor.
“Lisa,” Cassy said, jarring me out of my flashback. “Can you hand me the vanilla? I can’t find it.” She said, pointing to the cabinet above her head.
I shook my head to throw the bad memories from my mind. “Uh…sure.” I said, reaching to open the cabinet. I found the vanilla behind several other extracts including butter and almond. Setting it on the counter, I asked, “Cassy, how do you remember Milly?” I rephrased the question. “I mean, when you remember her, what do you think about?” I looked down at her. She had stopped stirring and looked like she was thinking particularly hard. Finally she answered.
“I think about that time we went to Kings Dominion and we took a picture of Megan in that coffin.” She said. “And that other time when we were singing that song Megan wrote about chik-fil-a as loud as we could in the back of the car. Even mommy was singing with us.” She paused to think some more. “Sometimes I just think about her being at the church.” She frowned. “The church was fun.”
I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and she started mixing again. I tried to think of a way to cheer her up. It was my fault. I was always taking my misery and putting it on everyone else, even Cassy. Suddenly, I knew exactly what would cheer her up. I reached over quietly and took a pinch of flour from the bag on the counter. While she was distracted mixing all the dry ingredients, I took the pinch of flour and threw it near her face, careful not to get it in her eye.
She squealed and turned to face me. The left half of her face was covered in the white powder. “Oh no you don’t!” She said, grabbing a small handful of flour and tossing it in my direction. Even with the warning of seeing it all, I squealed playfully. I looked down at my pajamas. They were covered in white dust. Before I could look up, I was hit again. Cassy stood in front of my grinning like she’d just won a medal. I grinned evilly. I grabbed another handful of flour, dodged Cassy’s third throw, and flung it in her direction. She threw her hands up in front of her to stop it, but too late. She was already covered with the stuff.
I crouched like I was about to pounce on her and she turned to run. I bolted after her. When I caught up to her, I scooped her up with ease and blew a raspberry on her stomach, instantly sending a cloud of thick white into my face. All the while she laughed and struggled.
When we were done with our fun, there would be huge mess to clean up, but that didn’t seem to matter right now.
“Lisa, put me down!” She squealed. I obliged and she landed gently on her feet. She looked up at me with a smile still on her face. “Why haven’t you ever acted like this before?” She asked.
I brushed my hair behind my ear from where it was hanging in front of my face. “I don’t know. I guess maybe I had just been remembering all the wrong things.” She put her hand on her chin and thought for a second.
“Well, now you don’t have to.” She said. “Because everything is gonna be okay.” I could hear the question in her tone.
“Yeah.” I said. “Well, it will be right after this.” I said, launching the handful of powder I’d been hiding towards her. She almost ducked in time. I had to admit, her reactions were getting better. Instead, the puff settled into her hair and shoulders.
I crouched and the chase was on again.