Peace After a Storm~Niki Belle

Peace After a Storm


The turned my head to look down at the bible sitting next to me. My eyes refused to focus on the gold printed letters on the cover. The blurred into a mix of shining blur mixed with a dark, dull red. I had meant to come into my room and read over some verses, but I had given up on that when I realized that I couldn’t focus my eyes on anything in the room.
I laid back on my bed and thought for a while. My thoughts never stayed constant. They would stay on one thing for a few seconds, then skip to the next thought with no rhyme or reason to it. Most of them all had to do with Tod. I remembered his funeral, the Teen Game night just before his death, the tree falling, and my trip to his room.
In truth, it hadn’t been as hard as I thought it would be to step into his room and take in everything. Untouched and like he had left it. My first stop when I went into his room had been the desk. I had known that he had been working on something for Milly, and I was going to try to figure out what. My search had come up empty except for some scraps of paper with the words scribbled out and laying crumpled on the edge of the desk.
His closet was something completely. I took one look at his clothes and I was absolutely positive that I could’ve told you at least one time where he wore each individual outfit. This one to church, that one to Laser Tag, that one to the movies when he went to see Bolt. I had closed the closet before I could start crying again. The funeral started a half-hour later and I would need my tears then.
Looking back, I blocked the funeral from my mind. It had been very similar to Milly’s, people milling around and crying on each other’s shoulders while I tried to block everything out. It was harder now. Every time I heard his name, I was once again brought back to reality. My brother was dead. Milly had been dead. They were together, and I was alone. I knew that would sound selfish, had I ever been brave enough to say it aloud.
I actually had a lot of things that would sound selfish if I chose to say them aloud, but I didn’t want anyone to worry about me, so I kept quiet. I was always there for other people, but I didn’t really talk to anyone if I had a problem. I remembered back to the time when I had been shy and almost antisocial. It wasn’t that I didn’t know how to talk to people, I just didn’t want to. People scared me. I didn’t want them to see what I was behind me wall.
I thought about that for a long time. I laid in my bed thinking into that. If I hid behind a wall for my whole life, what were people going to say at my funeral? That I was a good person, who was there for everyone. Part of me would be delighted to know that they were saying that. The other part of me would be screaming that it was a lie. I wasn’t there for everyone. I wasn’t strong. I pretended to be strong, but that was it. I could pretend to be strong for other people, but when it came to helping myself, I was helpless.
I was jolted from my thoughts by a knock on the door. "Come in." I said, thinking it was my mother. The door opened and my father poked his head in the room.
"Can I talk to you for a second?" He asked. I was confused. Usually I was the one that wanted to talk to him. I realized he was waiting for an answer.
"Sure." I said, still wondering what he could want to talk to me about. "You can come sit on my bed." I offered. He ignored me. He looked as if he was a different world altogether. He pulled up a chair from the edge of my room and sat down facing me.
"It’s about Tod." He made the topic clear.
"Oh." It was the only thing I could come up with. I didn’t really want to say anything until I figured out what was a safe topic and what wasn’t.
"I shouldn’t have said those things to him. They were wrong." It took me a minute to realize he was talking about when he had yelled at Tod. "He really did love her." He said. He was quiet for a moment, as if he didn’t know exactly how to explain it to it’s fullest extent. "He gave up everything for a dead girl." He said. I thought he might’ve been finished, but I stayed silent, still not knowing what was safe to talk about.
"I’ve learned from him." He said. I looked up, surprised. He was not the kind of person to say something like that. "He was willing to give his life for a girl he wasn’t even with." He paused. "And I couldn’t even give up one part of my life to support him for it." I understood where he was going now.
"Dad, I’m sure Tod doesn’t blame you for it. He’s forgiven you for that." I said. I almost reached out to touch his shoulder, but I drew my hand back, not knowing what his reaction would be.
"I don’t deserve his forgiveness. I don’t deserve your sympathy." He said. His voice was huskier than usual, and he cleared his throat to hide it.
"We don’t deserve a lot of things, but God let’s us have them anyway." I almost chuckled. "You of all people should know that."
"I’ve let down a lot of people. I’ve fought with a lot of people that I should’ve forgiven. I drove people away from me." His conversation had taken on a new direction.
"Like?" I said, knowing full well who he was talking about.
"The Callums. We didn’t agree on much, but we were part of the same family, and we didn’t do a good job of respecting that. We were both part of their leaving, but I had control over my part. I could’ve changed things." He was silent. The silence was pressing this time, as though something that needed to be said wasn’t. I decided to say it, regardless of the consequences.
"What are you going to do?" The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. Strangely, I didn’t regret them. But I still hadn’t heard his answer yet.
"I’m going to try to talk to them. I don’t know if they want to work this out or not, but from my point of view, we’ve put everyone through enough." I nodded. My mouth was dry. I had never imagined my father as being the one to end the argument. I had always thought it would either continue or Milly’s mother would try to reason with him. Even then, I can’t say I predicted a good end to it all. This way, I thought, would work much better.
I leaned forward and wrapped him in a hug. I felt his arms on my back and I thought for a moment, I felt him shake. "I’m proud of you, Dad." I said. With this, I definitely felt him shake, but only for a moment. He straightened up, cleared his throat again, and stood up.
"I’ll go try to call them." He said. He turned and walked out of the room before I had the chance to say anything more.