No Matter What~Ali Cummings

No Matter What

The alarm clock blared beside my bed, and I groaned. When I caught sight of the clock, I sat up strait in bed. I was so late. I jumped out of bed and grabbed my jeans. I could here the TV on outside, which meant my mom was up already.
“Why didn’t you wake me up, Mom?” I screamed into the living room. She was supposed to wake me up in time for me to get to Sunday school.
“You’re father’s not gonna be home to take you, so I thought I’d let you sleep in.” She yelled back. I sighed heavily.
“I’ll get a ride, then” I said loudly. I picked up the phone off of my desk in my room. I dialed Niki’s phone number as quickly as I could, all the while praying that she had not already left.
“Hello.” She said. She didn’t say it as a question, so she must have read the caller ID.
“Hi Niki. Have you already left for church?” I asked.
“You need a ride?” She asked knowingly.
“Yes.” I said, ashamed. I was always asking for rides from her at the last minute.
“Sure.” She said. “We haven’t left yet, so we can pick you up in about three minutes, okay.” Niki was so understanding. I didn’t know what I’d do without her.
“Thanks. I’ll be ready when you get here.” I hung up the phone and grabbed a pink shirt. The neckline came down just below my silver, heart-shaped locket. The only picture in it was a picture of Milly sitting at her desk and writing. A piece of her curly, dark brown hair had escaped from her ponytail, and was hanging down, framing the side of her face. She was smiling and her blue-grey eyes contrasted with her light brown shirt like rain falling on sand.
I closed the locket and pulled the shirt of over my head. It fit me perfectly, despite the fact that I’d had it for a year now. I went outside on the front porch to wait for Niki to pull in the driveway. I didn’t stand in the driveway for long before I saw her yellow Lamborghini turn into my subdivision. I climbed in the passenger’s side door, and pulled my seatbelt across my chest.
The ride there was pretty much silent. We didn’t really have anything to say, and the five minute ride to the church didn’t give us much time to think of something. I didn’t mind the silence, and Niki didn’t seem to be bothered by it, but it did make me feel slightly lonely, as though I was riding in the car alone.
When we pulled in the church parking lot, only about three cars were there already. She locked the car and we went in the back door of the church to our class. I would say that the class was boring, but I wasn’t paying attention enough to notice whether it was or not. I had tried to keep my mind focused, I really had, but it kept wanting to wander off without my permission. Finally I just gave into the fact that I was not going to remember any of this next Sunday anyway, so I just gave up trying.
When we finally got out of class, we climbed the stairs and I stayed close to Niki the whole time. I didn’t know why I was following her around like a lost puppy, but it made me feel safer for some reason. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stay with her the whole church service seeing as I was signed up to help with Jr. church that Sunday. After the pastor had given the younger kids their “mini-sermon”, I got up to go to the back room. When I got to the narthex, Nicole was standing in the hall, helping the younger ones form a line. I looked at her. She could be just what I had asked for.
“I’ll take over for you if you want me to. You look tired. You don’t wanna deal with a bunch of kids today.” She had read my mind.
“Thanks.” It was all I had the strength to say. I literally felt as though my ankles would soon no longer hold up my weight. I walked over to the water fountain and got a cup of water, hoping to get rid of the lump in my throat. I took a sip and started sputtering and coughing when the liquid went down my windpipe. After being able to completely stop coughing, I went to sit on the couch.
My stomach growled. I had had no time to stop and eat breakfast when I woke up. I closed my eyes and tried to force my legs to strengthen, but to no avail. When I opened my eyes, Alex was standing over me. I almost bolted strait up and knocked Alex in the head, but my stomach was too weak for me to sit up, let alone with any kind of force.
“What’s wrong?” She asked. Alex was the kind of person that was genuinely worried about you, but she didn’t know how to help much.
“Nothing.” I said. “I’m just tired.” It wasn’t really a lie. I was tired, and I was sure there was nothing medically wrong with me. I guess she saw it as a whole lie, because she didn’t give up.
“There is too something wrong. What is it?” She looked sincere enough, but I just didn’t want to talk to anyone right now.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” I said. Again, it wasn’t really a whole lie. I really had no clue what was specifically wrong with me. I just knew I had issues.
“We probably need to get back in the sanctuary before we get in trouble.” I just nodded and let her help me up. My left ankle gave out, just slightly, and I was thankful that she had already turned and so missed my stumble. I followed her into the sanctuary, and took my seat beside Niki again. Niki didn’t ask any questions about my return as I had anticipated.
I tried to keep my mind focused on the pastor, but I only caught bits and pieces of the service. My mind was elsewhere.
“The body of Christ loves one another.” I heard. If only. I thought. “This means unconditional love. The bible says, ‘love each other as Christ loved you.’ The bible also says this, ‘love has no greater man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.’ So if you put that together we get that we’re supposed to love like God loves, and God is the greatest love.” He paused. “We have to strive to show the greatest love, no matter what.”
He continued, “Have you ever been around someone who just, you could be in the worst mood ever, and they just stuck with you? That’s the kind of love we have to show, people.” I tuned him out. My mind wandered to Milly. She had always been there for people when she was alive. It didn’t matter if you were yelling at her, or crying on her shoulder, or happy as you could possibly be. She stuck with you, no matter what. I felt myself shaking and I was sitting so close to Niki that our arms touched. She leaned over to me and whispered in my ear.
“Are you okay?” She asked. I trusted her enough. I tried to whisper a response, but I couldn’t. I shook my head no and tried to blink away the tears clinging to my eyelashes. The refused to move anywhere but down, and I soon felt them roll down my face despite my efforts to hide them. I could not cry in front of the whole congregation. I tried my best to keep my composure as I sat in the pew shaking. I felt Niki’s arm brush against mine, and she laid her hand on my knee. When I glanced over at her, she had her head bowed, and she was whispering something that I could not make out. I didn’t need to know what she was saying to know who she was talking to.
I sat in the pew for what seemed like hours and hours, and Niki’s hand stayed on my knee. I leaned against her and rested my head on her shoulder and wept. I could not believe I was crying in church. I was supposed to be listening to the sermon, but once again, my mind decided otherwise. I could not see for the tears in my eyes, and my ears did not attempt to pick up even the smallest bits and pieces of the sermon. I only had one part of my body that seemed to be working correctly, and that was my memory. I could remember every detail of every time Milly and I had been together. This only brought more tears. It was all I could do to keep myself from screaming at the top of my lungs. I wanted her back, but there was nothing I could do.
I finally got enough strength behind my voice to faintly whisper an explanation for my hysterics. It was only five words, but it would have to suffice.
“I miss her so much.”

Little Secrets~Milly Callum

Little Secrets

I danced around the room, unable to contain myself. I remembered his exact words he had spoken as I watched him in the golden box. He had called me his queen. I stopped mid-twirl. How did Tod know how to communicate with me? He had a sort of confidence about him that told me he knew I heard him when he spoke. We had always had a connection on earth. Did that connection carry on into the heaven? No, it couldn’t have. Alana said that all my connections were severed as I left the earth. So how was he still so sure. I thought of the definition of faith. It was believing in a promise, without a guarantee. I remembered. I had promised I would always be there for him. Was he relying on this faith now? He must have been. Only faith could make him that sure.
I wandered down the stairs to the first and second floor of the mansion. This was the part of my house that looked exactly like the church. I entered the narthex and sat down on the green couch to rest. As I sat, my leg was poked by something sticking out of the cushion. It was a strange sensation to know pain, and not feel it. To recognize it, yet be untouched by it. I stood up and looked for what had poked me in the back of my calf. A corner of a folded paper was sticking out under the cushion. I pulled it out and slowly unfolded it. Ali’s handwriting jumped out at me. Ali? How could she be here? How could she possibly be here? I read what was written on the paper that was somewhat crumpled as though it had been there for years before I had noticed it. I began to read aloud.

“Walk through the front door
Into the narthex
Cold tile floors on my bare feet
Turn to the open sanctuary doors
Feel the green caper like grass against my skin
A choir sings above the congregation
As words to a hymn are projected to the video screen
The laughter of children floats through the hallway
From the nursery
My teal dress twirls around my knees
As I sway softly to the music
Wrapped in my own embrace
I step lightly down the stairs
Following the smell of a covered-dish lunch
As I walk into the fellowship hall
People are eating, laughing talking
Still in their dresses and suits"

At this point, my voice cracked, ever so slightly, but I continued reading. She was describing the church the way I had seen it. As beautiful. As safe. As a home. I continued.

“Through the window
Children play on the sandy playground
But as I go to join them
The light dims
The talking stops
The music quiets
The people fade
An empty church on Monday evening
The energy of Sunday morning
Etched into the glassy silence
Here, I’m home”

I was crying when I finished the poem. I realized now, why it was there. She had said years ago, when she wrote the poem, that she was going to give it to the church, but no one would know. I understood what she must have meant when she had said it. I tried to remember if she had ever said anything about other notes and things she may have hidden in the church. To my dismay, I could not think of a single one.

Kings and Queens~Tod Belle

Kings and Queens

I sat on the ground laughing and looking at the sky. I could imagine that somewhere in heaven, Milly was looking down and laughing too. Maybe she was laughing in that cute high pitched giggle that she had whenever I made joke. As I laid on the ground, I let myself drift back to ATF 2007.

“Dad, what on earth are you doing?” I said. And other people thought their dad’s were embarrassing. My dad had just taken two sheets of aluminum foil and wrapped them into two silver ropes. He was in the middle of sticking them under the sides of his baseball cap to create pigtails, which he had curled up at the end to somewhat resemble the Wendy’s icon. I hung my head in feigned shame. Milly giggled at my joke.
“It’s okay,” She said. “My mom embarrasses me all the time.” She giggled again. “Just not like that. I can’t recall her ever doing anything even close to that.” Her giggle turned into a full on laugh.
“Exactly. Plus, what could your mom do that would embarrass you?” I asked. Her blush was a reply enough.
“She has her ways.” She replied mysteriously. I laughed.
“Fine.” I said. “She has her ways.” I recited. I gasped and began dancing in my seat. Milly burst out laughing.
“What in the world??” She said, in between laughter.
“I know where we’re staying. I know where we’re staying. I know where we’re staying!” I sang happily. I giggled at my own stupidity.
“Where are we staying, Mr. Know-it-all?” She said jokingly.
“We are staying at a church.” This announcement had been made weeks before. She laughed.
“Oh, I didn’t know that, captain obvious.” She said. I laughed.
“But I know which church we’re staying at.” I said, grinning manically.
“Don’t say the pretty one.” She said. She knew me so well.
“Fine. But I will tell you that we’re staying at my uncle’s church.” I said nonchalantly. She gasped.
“Now that was something you could have mentioned a little earlier. You didn’t tell me you had an uncle in Norfolk…” She pausesd. “Or that was a preacher.” She said. “You know this church leadership thing runs in your family.” She laughed.
“What are you laughing at?” I asked, trying not to giggle. Her laugh was contagious.
“You’re next.” I shook my head firmly.
“No. Nope. Uh-uh. Not me.” I tried to picture myself, grown up, teaching the new youth group. No matter how hard I tried, I could not make it come into my mind. It was as if the image was hiding somewhere in the back of my mind where no one would think to look for it.
“Why not?” She persisted. “You’d be a great youth group leader, I think.” She said. The room was dark, and I just barely saw her cheeks darken, but still they did.
“But I don’t want all the responsibility.” I said. “I’m lazy like that.”
“And you’d be like the king of the youth group.” she said. This argument actually appealed to me. I grinned unconsciously. This was my plotting face.
“Fine. I will become king of the youth group, if you will be my jester.” I wanted to say that it was because she could always make me laugh, but I was sure that if I had, my cheeks would have burned hot enough for her to feel the heat.
She laughed. “And why, Mighty King, might you want me for your jester?” She asked, giggling.
“Because I think it would be kinda funny to see you in the funny hat.” I said.
“Fine.” She said, laughing.
“It’s settled then.” Before she could stop me, I stood up in front of the youth group, distracting them from the girlish dance my father was now attempting. “Peasants,” I said. Milly turned pink beside me. “As your future king, I make this…” I looked down at Milly.
“Decree.” She said, still blushing.
“…this decree,” I continued. “from now on, Milly will be my jester.” I said. When I looked down at Milly, she was turning bright red, and tugging at my shirt for me to sit down. I would not sit down yet. First, I would see my favorite part of her blush. I continued with my speech. “She will be my jester, because I want to see her in the funny hat.” Everyone burst out laughing if they had not been laughing before. “Thank you.” I said. Milly gave one final tug on my shirt, and I sat down. Looking over, I recognized her unique blush at once. Her nose had turned bright pink.
“What did you do that for?” She asked. “Now everyone thinks you’re a lunatic.” She said.
“Well it’s about time they knew the truth don’t you think?” I said, smiling from ear to ear.
“Tod Jeremy Belle, you are without a doubt, the strangest boy I have ever met.” She smiled.
“I try.” I said, as the speaker came on the stage.

I sat back against a tree. I remembered every detail of that night. I was sure Milly did too. I don’t think either of us would ever forget it. I looked up at the sky. “Milly,” I started. “If I do ever become king,” I paused. “You’ll be my queen.”

Lessons Learned~Lisa Callum

Lessons Learned


I sat quietly in the hospital bed, sipping my steaming coffee, careful not to burn my mouth. I looked around the room and smiled when my eyes found what they were looking for. Mom had brought my purse and left it in the chair. I stepped out of the bed and stepped across the room. I shivered as my bare feet touched the cold linoleum floor. I reached to grab my purse strap and my hand slipped. I sighed, willing my arm to stop shaking. I grasped the handle of my purse tightly. Holding the purse against my side, I stepped over and sat down on the edge of the bed. I rifled through the purse until I found what I was looking for. It was a small purple notepad that served as my prayer journal. I flipped to an empty page in the notebook and started writing.

Dear God, I don’t know what’s gonna happen now,
but I know that whatever it is, I need you. You were
there for me during the divorce, and when we left the
church, and I need you now. Help me show Cassy
that I want to be there for her. And tell Milly I love her.

I studied the entry I had made into the prayer journal. I dated the entry and was about to close the notebook when I heard someone come in. I looked up to see Niki and Ali.
“What are you guys doing here?” I asked, tossing the prayer journal on the side of the bed.
“We came to visit you and see how you were doing.” Ali said. We wanted to know if you were okay.” She answered shyly.
“Ali called me and told me what happened. Are you okay?” Niki added.
“I’ll survive.” I laughed. “I have to go to counseling. Apparently, they think I’m crazy. Now, what on earth would make them think that?” I said sarcastically.
“You are crazy.” Niki said, laughing. She paused. “What about the seizure? Do they know what caused it?” I swallowed.
“Yeah, they do. They found out this morning. They diagnosed me with psychosomatic syndrome. When I get really nervous, or really excited, or really depressed, I get something like a headache, or a seizure, or I just get shaky.” I saw the looks on their faces. “Don’t feel sorry for me. They said it’s all gonna be fine. All I have to do is go to counseling once a week to try and control my emotions, that’s all.”
Even with my reassurances, they still looked worried. “Guys, I’ll be fine. Don’t worry so much.” Okay, I could understand why they still looked worried. I did not believe my own words even as I spoke them. I tried to think of something to say. “My mom’s at home dropping Cassy off, and she’s coming back to get me in a few hours.”
“That’s good. I bet you can’t wait to get back in your own bed.” Niki said. I noticed Ali wasn’t saying much. I figured she was analyzing everything in her head. She was the kind of person that you told something, and five minutes later, she would return a perfect and well thought out answer. Sometimes she was just quiet. I suddenly remembered to answer Niki.
“Yeah. I can’t wait. This hospital bed is really uncomfortable.” I squirmed around in the bed to prove my point and Niki and Ali giggled. Niki looked at me, and then down at Ali.
“Well, I think we have to get going. I need to get home, preferably before my parents.” She looked back up at me.
“Thank you guys for coming. It really means a lot.” I said. Niki smiled and Ali was practically beaming.
“I’ll see you later.” Ali said quietly. Niki turned to leave and she followed.
“Bye.” I said as they walked out. When I could no longer see them, I turned my head sideways to look for the notebook that I had carelessly tossed to the side. When I found it in the folds of the covers, I opened to the page with my new entry on it. I suddenly remembered what Cassy had been doing when I found her. Praying for Milly, she had said. I had never known that you could pray for a person who was already in heaven. I guess they people you don’t really look up to can teach you a great lesson.

Happy Ending~Tod Belle

Happy Ending


I ran the lead of the pencil evenly around the edge of my design. My strokes were light at first, slowly getting darker and darker. I stepped back about a foot and examined the detail of the simple shape. Every inch of it had to be perfect. That’s what I told myself as I worked. If I could not make this one thing in my life perfect for her, I would have to just give up trying.
As I surveyed the wispy lines I had made on the wood, I noticed one of the edges was just a bit lopsided from the other side. I sighed. I gripped the pencil more firmly in my hand and knelt down beside the tree again. The whole time I was drawing on the sturdy trunk of the tree, I was remembering.
Before, the memories had trapped me. They had been something that took me from where I wanted to be and kept me there. I hadn’t wanted to remember her. I wanted to forget her. Now I could not get enough. I was constantly searching through my mind to locate something that would have even the smallest connection with Milly. I wanted to remember every detail.
Finally, after what seemed like hours of hard work and a persistent cramp in my hand, it looked perfect. It was not crooked in the least, nor was it in any way too big or too small. It would be the perfect size for the note I had written. I was certain of one other thing. If Milly was watching, she would love it.
I took my pocketknife out of my pocket and began to carve right where the darkened lines were that I had made. I did it very slowly, very carefully. I could not afford to make a mistake. When I lifted the edge of my knife from the tree, it formed a perfect heart shape. It may have been a little girly, but I was sure Milly would love it. She had always loved hearts. I picked up the pencil again. I drew two perfectly strait parallel lines, not involving much effort, in the center of the heart. One end of the lines angled slightly towared the ground; The other end, toward the sky. I looked up, admiring the sun that was shining down through the branches of the trees. I remembered something Milly had said to me once. She had always thought the sky was God’s greatest invention. I looked up at it with new appreciation. I shook my head. Now I was being extremely girly, even for Milly.
I went back to my work of continuing the arrow to extend on both sides, so that is stuck out at the sides of the heart. I added the tip of the arrow and stopped. It looked better with no feathers on the end, I thought. I sat for a moment on the forest floor and let myself go back. Back to all of our memories; the good, the great, and the just plain crazy.

We ran through a field and ducked behind a bush. Both of us had chosen to wear black for the capture the flag party, so we were near invisible in the early part of the night.
“Okay, you know the plan, right? You have to sneak around behind that stump there…” I pointed to a stump nearby. “…while I’m over here distracting them by pretending not to be a distraction.” Milly laughed quietly at the way I had worded our fairly simple plan.
“Ssshhhhh. Gosh, Milly!” I said, jokingly scolding her. “You’ll blow our cover.” I said a bit more loudly than was necessary. A few people turned, but we were safe in our hiding spot. I continued my summary of our genius plan.
“Then, while they try and catch me, you grab the flag and run back to our side. Got it?”
“Got it.” She whispered. Even in the dark, I could see her smile.
“Now remember, don’t move until I give the signal.” I said, knowing full well that we had not worked out a signal of any kind.
“What’s the signal?” She asked.
“You move when they start chasing me.” I explained, a huge grin on my face.
“Oh. Well that makes sense.” She said sarcastically.
“Good. Glad you understand.” I said, ignoring her sarcasm. “Ready?”
“Ready.” She said. I turned so that my back was facing her, ready to run. I spun around quickly.
“Wait! One more thing.” I said.
“What is it?” She asked, interested.
“Don’t get caught.” I said, grinning broadly.
“Oh, thanks. I wouldn’t have remembered that if you hadn’t told me.” She joked.
“No problem.” I said, turning back to my previous position. I crept forward until I was in plain view of both my team members and the opposing team. I searched the ground for a twig. When I found one, I stepped on it, snapping it with my foot. I froze, hoping to make it look like an accident. It was obviously convincing enough, because I heard shouts of ‘GET HIM!’ and ‘NO, THAT WAY!’ and even, ‘DON’T TAG ME, I’M ON YOUR TEAM’. Our plan was going perfectly. I could now see Milly running toward our side with the other team’s flag, and no one was chasing her. The only problem happened to be when I forgot to watch where I was running, and ran smack into Milly, knocking her down. We ended up lying in a heap on the ground, inches from our side of the field and laughing our heads off. Luckily for us, one of our other teammates grabbed the flag off of my shoe, where it had decided to land, and run it back to our side, so we still won. The only downside was the splitting headache that Milly and I shared the rest of the night.

I smiled as I remembered the relentless teasing we had received from our other teammates. But we hadn’t minded. We were happy with how thinks had turned out…headaches and all.

Better Than Wings~Milly Callum

Better than Wings


I sat on my bed and looked around the room. It looked just like the church. It had just as much life. It was only missing my friends. I glanced at the golden box on my dresser. I took it in my hands, wondering whether or not I should look into it. Whether or not I should open the lid and look back. My hand laid on top of the lid and my thumb grasped the edge. I slowly opened the hinge of the box, my eyes shut tight. I heard talking, barely above a whisper and looked down to see Lisa and Cassy talking. Something wasn’t right. Lisa was in a hospital bed. I listened closely to their conversation. I could catch only bits and pieces of it, but one thing caught my attention. I closed my eyes, my way of concentrating on their thoughts. I could feel what Lisa felt. She was sad. She was nervous. I opened my eyes. She was scared. I looked down into the box once again, and my mother entered the room with Lisa and Cassy. I closed the lid on the gold box.
I could watch my friends, but I could not watch my mother pretend to be happy when I knew she felt like bursting into tears. Lisa was becoming so similar. I had watched her cry many times, but never in front of anyone. I set the box back on the table. I would not even look at it. It was not going to help at all, but I knew what would. I stood up from my bed and walked to the door. Stepping quickly down the stairs, I put together exactly what I would say in my head. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I reached for the golden handle of the grand front door, and checked one last time that I was saying exactly what I wanted.
I pulled the handle of the door and stepped out into the warm, spring-like air. I walked down the street in the direction that I knew would lead me to God’s throne. The streets, as God had promised, were paved with gold, but none the less felt like warm sand on my bare feet. I could not help but smile as I walked down the wide path. True to the many paintings and pictures I’d seen, angels did posses wings. I questioned God about this when I first arrived here. I had looked around me and seen angels everywhere, all with wings. Still, when I looked up, I saw nothing but a blue sky with several fluffy white clouds.
He had answered me with a sure answer. He had told me that I too would have wings, but one walk down the road with him told me that I would hardly ever need the majestic wings. I loved the warmth on my feet too much to dare leave it behind.
Returning to the present, I now stood at the feet of the king. Most would expect that I bowed before him and proclaimed myself unworthy. Those people would be wrong. I ran to him and embraced him, as I did every morning. He hugged me back, as always, and we would talk for as long as I wanted. I never wanted to part with him, but sometimes I would run out of words to describe just how much I loved him. He was my father.
This morning, however, I had a specific reason as to why I had come. As usual, he noticed right away. This was not a surprise to me, as He was all-knowing.
“What is it, my child? You are troubled.” I explained to him what was happening to Lisa, and what she needed, and how I could not help her.
“But you can.” I finished. “She needs your help. She’s scared.” He put his hand delicately on my shoulder, and again, the warm pulse flowed through me.
“I have her. I am sheltering her. Should she need anything, I will be there for her. Thank you for talking to me. I know you’re terribly worried about her.” I embraced him tightly, stopping his sentence. Moving his head, so that it was just above my shoulder.
“You need not worry about anything.” He whispered into my ear. I felt the tears coming until I could not hold them back any longer. I was weeping on God’s shoulder, and he was letting my rest. He was giving me a place to hide. To hide from anything and everything that was weighing on my shoulders.
I have no idea how long we stood there, but before long, I realized just what my silky white wings were for. They held you up when your legs felt as though they would not support one ounce of your weight. When it felt like your arms could not grip anything to steady your shaky legs. When it felt as though your head would not focus on anything for your hands to grip. When your eyes were too clouded with tears to see something for your head to focus on. That was when your wings took over the job of carrying you.
But sitting there with Him, I could not help but let the thought sink into my mind that I had something better than wings. I had the glue that held our lives together. I had the person that held my friends and family in the palm of his hand. I had the God that had single handedly led my to the person I loved most, put me in a place beyond any place I’d ever dreamed of, and been there with me when all of it was ripped away. And now he held he together. Just thinking of this ultimate love brought fresh tears to my face, and still he held me tight. I could not let him go…and I was so grateful for the fact that I wouldn’t have to.

Strength Alone~Niki Belle

Strength Alone

I turned over uncomfortably in my bed, and stared at the ceiling. It held my place in the book I was holding with my finger. I had been trying in vain for the past hour and a half to occupy myself with the fourth chapter of the book. I had failed miserably.
I tilted my head back until it seemed as though everything in my room had been turned upside-down. I slowly read the titles of each of the books of my bookshelf. Among them were “Searching for Eternity”, “Taking a Chance”, and “Just Ask.” I brought the book I was holding up so that it was in front of my face and I could clearly read the title.
“Grace in Thine Eyes.” I read aloud. I sighed. “I’m never going to finish this.” Although there was no noise, I couldn’t seem to focus my brain on just one thing. There seemed as though there was one unidentifiable thought ricocheting off of the walls of my brain, disrupting all of my remaining thoughts.
I lifted myself grudgingly off of my bed and went out my door and down the steps. Tod was out in the woods, where he spent most of his time, and the rest of my family was grocery shopping.
I sat down at the computer and brought up my internet browser. My homepage loaded slowly and one headline on the main page caught my eye.
“Teenage girl dies in horrific car crash.” I whispered. I blinked once. I blinked again. The tears didn’t stop. One tear rolled down my face…then another. They were coming like rain one after the other. I knew it could not be Milly, but it hurt just the same. I thought about the girl in the accident. She could have been someone’s friend, someone’s sister, someone’s daughter. And now she was gone. I closed the internet brower, erasing the blue words that conveyed such horrible news. My mind raced over the possible circumstances of the family that had so recently lost the young girl described in the newspaper headline, but my heart stayed fixed on Milly’s memory. My heart was being torn in so many different directions that I was sure I would burst. Why was it so easy to be strong around others, when I was so weak when I was alone? How was I able to help others so willingly, if I did not even know how to help myself? I walked to the couch and flopped down on it, my eye catching something on the coffee table. I leaned forward and took the object in my hands. It was my silver necklace. Normally, I would wear it, but I must have left it on the coffee table the night before. My shaky fingers gripped the clasp and I opened it, extending the chain until the singe tear-shaped charm hung down from it, perfectly centered. I moved my hands to the back of my neck, putting the two ends together and clicking the clasp so that it would hold. I ran my right hand down the polished chain to the blue topaz stone. I brushed my fingers over the detailed cut of the birthstone. At least my tears had stopped. I didn’t know where they had come from.
I jumped as my cell phone rang in my pocket. Cool it, Niki. It’s just your phone. I felt stupid for reacting like I had. I picked up the phone and put it to my ear, not bothering to check the caller ID.
“Hello?” I asked.
“Hey, Niki.” I recognized Ali’s voice as soon as it came through the phone. She sounded worried.
“What’s up, girl?”
“Niki, something’s happened to Lisa. Cassy just called me. She wanted to call you, but she didn’t have your phone number. It’s something about Lisa having a seizure.” She sped through her sentences so fast that I could just barely understand them.
“When did this happen?” I stopped to take a breath, telling myself that is was nothing serious. “Is she okay?”
“Yeah, she’s fine for now. She’s staying at Southside Regional Hospital. I was wondering if you wanted to go up there with me to visit her. I think she’d like that.” She said. I heard something in her voice. She didn’t want to see if Lisa was okay. She needed to know that she was okay. I needed to know that she was okay.
“Yeah. I think she’d love that. I’ll pick you up in about fifteen minutes, okay. Can you be ready then?” I asked her.
“Yeah. I can be ready then.” She said, repeating what I had said.
“Okay. I’ll see you then.” I said. I heard the phone click off on the other end. I shoved the phone back in my pocket and got up off the couch. I ran up the stairs to my room. When I got there, I dug through my drawers until I found the shirt that I had worn to our church talent show that past year. I smiled as I slipped the soft fabric over my arms. It fit me well, and it made me feel like I could do anything. I took a piece of scrap paper off of my desk and scribble a short note on it. I left it on the kitchen table where my parents would find it. I headed toward the door with my jacket wrapped around my waist in case I needed it.
I grabbed my purse and my keys off of the stool by the door and headed to the car, locking the door behind me.

Better Now~Cassy Callum

Better Now


My eyes fluttered open to the white sponge painted hospital ceiling. For a few seconds, I felt numb. After a moment, my body regained feeling, and I felt the wooden arm of the padded chair sticking into my side. My bare shoulder itched from the imprint left by the woven cushion of the chair. I slowly sat up, taking in my surroundings. My eyes stopped dead center of the room. I remembered now. The tunnel, Lisa collapsed, the ambulance, the hospital. I had refused to leave her side. I remembered sitting in that chair until I fell asleep around midnight. I stared at Lisa. Once again, she looked helpless, broken. I had stood by and watched while one sister slipped away from me. I would not make that mistake again. I ran to the edge of Lisa’s bed. Her eyes were shut.
“Lisa wake up. Come back.” I said loudly. “I won’t lose you.” She fought my grip and I let my hands drop. She was alive. She sat up in the bed.
“Cassy, wha-” before she could finish, I embraced her tightly. I had not lost another sister. Not today. She hugged me tightly before letting me go and asking questions.
“Cassy, what happened?” She asked. “Why am I in the hospital?” She turned her head, taking in the room. “Why are you here? Where’s mom?” I thought about these questions for a moment, deciding whether or not to tell the whole story or just answer her questions. I decided the whole story would be best.
I took a deep breath and began. “We were in the tunnel, and you collapsed.” I swallowed, remembering her crumpled body laying so helplessly on the ground.
“Go on.” She encouraged.
“I ran to tell mom, but she was at work, so I called her cell phone.” I continued. “When she answered, I told her that you had collapsed outside. She came home right away, and then I led her out to where you were, and she tried to wake you up, but you wouldn’t move, and you were breathing really heavy. She called 911, and they sent an ambulance to come pick you up. When we got here they ran a bunch of tests.” My eyes threatened to overflow as they had when I had watched them connect wires and machines to my still motionless sister. “The doctors said it was a seizure. They said you had to stay overnight, and when mom tried to tell me to go home, I wouldn’t let her.” I looked up at her. Her eyes were watery, and her hand was covering her mouth. “I wanted to stay with you.” I finished.
“Oh, Cassy…” She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around my neck. “You didn’t have to stay here for me.” She whispered. I pulled away slowly.
“I know. I wanted to.”
“Where’s Mom? She didn’t leave you here alone, did she?” She asked.
“She went to get something to eat, I think” I answered. Fear shone in her eyes and I heard her breath catch. “What’s wrong?” I asked her.
“You said it was a seizure.” She paused. “Do they know what caused it?” I wished I could’ve given her a different answer. I shook my head, and my lip trembled. She sighed. I touched her shoulder and she brought her head up to look at me.
“It’s gonna be okay.” I said. “Don’t be scared, Lisa. It’ll be okay.” I embraced her once again. She wasn’t crying. She wasn’t shaking. She was just holding me.
Mom walked in, and we both looked up.
“Oh good, you’re up.” She said cheerfully. “I brought you some coffee.” She set a blue-grey tray on the table. There was a plate of food and a steaming Styrofoam cup on it. “How are you feeling?” She asked, handing Lisa the cup.
“Pretty good.” She glanced over in my direction. “A lot better now.” She added, smiling. I smiled back. I turned and went to sit back in my chair.
“Well, that’s good.” Her smile remained plastered on her face. I looked at her suspiciously, aware that there was something she was not telling us. I phrased my question carefully.
“Did the doctors find out anything else?” I asked, catching her off guard. She whirled around to face me and I saw the look of temporary fear written in her eyes. She sighed.
“Yes.” She turned to Lisa. “They found out what caused the seizure.” She looked back at me, checking for a reaction. “They’ve diagnosed you with MIND BODY CONNECTION. It means you have an exceptionally strong connection between your body and your mind. You were so stressed, that your body reacted with the seizure. They recommended you see a counselor for the next couple of weeks, and they prescribed some medication to help with they seizures. The doctors do say that the seizures are likely to continue if we don’t do anything about them.” Lisa set the coffee back on the table. She took Mom’s hand in hers.
“It’ll be okay. I’ll go see the counselor and everything will be fine.” She patted Mom awkwardly on the back. Mom turned to face me.
“Come on, we need to get you home.” She said, waving me toward her with her arm.
“No. I want to stay here with Lisa. I wanna stay with her until she’s better.” I clung to Lisa’s arm. She looked down at me.
“Go, Cassy. You don’t have to stay here for me. I’ll be fine. And you need your rest.” I nodded.
“Fine.” I followed Mom reluctantly to the door. Before I shut the door behind me, I turned to look back at Lisa one last time.
“I’ll be fine.” She said. I believed her.

For Someone You Love~Tod Belle

For Someone You Love

I leaned down over my notebook, finally satisfied with my project. I had finally gotten it perfect. I read and reread it, looking for any mistakes I could’ve made. I laid the paper on my desk quickly when I heard knock at the door. I looked up, and then back at the paper.
“Come in.” I said, slipping the paper into my drawer. Niki came in carrying another paper plate with a grilled cheese sandwich on it. “Thanks.” I said, taking the plate from her, and placing it on my desk.
“So how’s your project coming?” She asked, leaning over my chair.
“Perfect.” I paused. “Niki, do you know where I could get a carving knife?” She gasped.
“Tod, you’re not thinking of doing what I think you are, are you?” I looked at her face, and laughed. Sometimes my sister was such a knucklehead.
“No, Niki, I can guarantee you that I am not going to do what you’re thinking I’m going to.” She looked at me with that ‘big sister’ look.
“Yeah, well, you better not. So what do you need the carving knife for then?” She asked, suspicious.
“To carve something. Gosh, Niki, you’d think that would be obvious.” She laughed and knocked my hat off. I bent down to pick it up, hitting my head on my dresser in the process. “Ah. Jeez, that hurt.” I pressed my hand to my forehead, trying to ease the throbbing.
“You are such a guy.” She said, laughing. “So, am I allowed to see this project of yours?” She peeked over my shoulder.
“Maybe.” I said. I didn’t want her to read it right now. It was too girly. “Not yet.” I corrected myself. “Now, do you know where I can get a carving knife?” I asked again.
“Maybe dad has one, I don’t know. What do you need it for anyway?” She asked.
“You’ll see.” I said. “But for now, I have to go ask dad if he has one. Then I can get started.” I got up out of chair grabbing the sandwich of my desk. I walked past her and out the door. I stopped at the bottom of he stairs. I didn’t need the knife. Not yet. I grabbed a pencil off the kitchen table and started walking back to the clearing. As I passed the stables, I saw Niki’s horse galloping across the pasture. She was a white horse, and it reminded me of the ring I’d given Milly for her birthday. I smiled at the thought.
After opening it, she had given me an enormous hug. It had been one of the few times I had not pretended to be disgusted by this girlish act. I always liked Milly’s hugs. I stopped. I was suddenly filled with regret. Regret that I had not hugged her back every single time. Regret that I had never had her in the first place. Regret that I had never told her I loved her. Regret that I had ever let her go. But this was one thing was one thing I would never regret. This was something I had to do. For Milly.

Somewhere in Between~Ali Cummings

Somewhere in between


I walked out of the garage, my mission still incomplete. Johnny had been there the whole time and I had yet to talk to him. I found out when I got there that it was actually a costume party, but I figured I wouldn’t have dressed up if I’d known anyway. I had tried to slide into some of the conversations without being noticed, but to no avail. I wished I was back at my own church with Niki and everyone else. But I didn’t give up. If there was one thing I needed to do, this was it.
I walked over to Johnny, determined to talk to him. I sat down on the hay bale next to him. I took a deep breath, and started.
“Hey, Johnny.” He looked at me with a stare that made my mouth go dry.
“Ali.” He said with a tone that said, clear as day, that he had no intrest in talking to me.
“I just wanted to ask you something.” I paused, waiting to see if he would respond. When he said nothing, I continued. “Did you talk to Milly any before…” My voice caught in my throat. I was overwhelmed by the fact that she shouldn’t be gone. I swallowed the lump in my throat, and looked back at him.
“No.” He said, his back to me. He stood up without another word and made his way toward the garage. He never stopped to look back. Pastor Frank’s wife was walking toward me.
“Are you ready to go?” She asked sweetly, naively.
“Sure.” I said. As I’ll ever be. I thought. We walked to the car where Pastor Frank was already waiting. I climbed in the back and situated my purse beside me.
“Did you have a good time?” He asked. I didn’t want to answer the questions that would follow an honest reply.
“It was interesting.” I said, quoting one of the books I was reading. Not quite a lie. Not the whole truth. Somewhere in between.
“Oh, that’s good.” He replied. We drove for a couple minutes in silence. I reached to get my notebook just a moment before he spoke again. “Ali, I was just wondering…how did your mom get in the wheelchair?” I drew my hand back instantly. I had been had been anticipating questions like these, but they none the less caught me off guard.
“Um…she had a brain tumor..” I went into as little detail as possible, hoping he would ask nothing more about it. I could not blame him for being curious, but prying was a whole different subject.
“How long ago was that?” He asked. This part, I had no trouble sharing.
“I was six when it happened.” I decided against pulling out my notebook, knowing I would get nothing written anyway.
“Do you have any siblings?” He asked. I breathed a sigh of relief with the change of subject.
“I have two brothers.” I said. And two sisters. I thought. Had two sisters. I corrected myself, remembering how Milly and Niki had always been there for me. But Milly’s gone. I remided myself. Just let her go. I though angrily. She’s not coming back.
I looked out the window, regretting that I had not done so earlier. I had missed a perfectly good sunset. But now I was grateful for another thing. The stars. I suddenly understood the phrase Milly would say every time we parted. Until then, may the stars shine upon your face, dear sister. The stars seemed to be shining brighter today than they had in a while, and I realized that I would see her again. She was not gone. She was simply away for a while. And she was still my sister, no matter the distance. An old poem came to mind, and I whispered it quietly to the stars, a sure faith that she would hear me.

A part of you has grown in me
And so you see,
It’s you and me
Together forever and never apart
Maybe in distance
But never in heart

I blinked away the tears that clung to my eyelashes. My familiar yard came into view through the window, and I pulled my purse strap up and over my shoulder. When the car stopped, I opened the door and stood up, the strap cutting into my shoulder as I did so. “Thank you so much for the ride.” I said, turning to walk up the ramp to my house. I watched them pull out of the driveway as I dug in my pocket for my key. I grasped the shiny metal object, warm on my hands. I pushed the key into the knob and turned. My hand froze, and I took one last look at the sky, the stars almost invisible. You’re there. I thought. I just have to look.
I turned the knob and stepped into the house, shutting the door behind me.

No Response~Cassy Callum

No Response


I knocked eagerly on Lisa’s door. “What is it?” She asked. Her voice sounded hoarse.
“Can you come play outside with me?” I hesitated at first, not wanting to upset her. She opened the door. I could now clearly see her cheeks, red and raw.
“I’m busy.” She said, not harshly, but not as tender as she might have.
“Are you playing piano? Can I listen?” I asked. I didn’t need to play outside to talk to her. I just needed to talk to her.
“I’d rather do this alone, Cassy.” She said, erasing any chance of my talking to her. How could I talk to her if she always wanted to be alone? I found early in life that it is very hard to have a conversation with only oneself.
“You always want to be alone.” I mumbled as I walked away. How did she continue doing it, day after day. She could cry by herself, but that was about it. How could she possibly be moving on without talking to a single person. I myself did not understand this. I was alone all the time, thanks to my older sister’s new fascination with solitude. I walked out the door, at first leaving it open. After realizing no one was coming out behind me, as was normal, I quickly shut it behind me, as if the door itself would stop all memory of the person that would, on any other day, have walked through that door.
I walked down the tall stone steps, holding onto the railing, fearing my balance not to be as good as was typical. The warm summer sun burned my cheeks and caused me to squint as I walked to the edge of the woods. I pushed away the bamboo stalks that hid the entrance to our tunnel. As I looked thought the tall stalks, it seemed as though nothing had changed. I looked behind me to make sure no one was watching as I stepped carefully into the tunnel. The dirt on the floor of the tunnel had been pressed down from the many times we had walked it. Milly, Lisa, and I were the only ones who had ever walked down the tunnel. We always called it our safe haven. It was the place we went to when mom and dad were arguing. I walked down the tunnel, stepping over fallen logs, until I came to our ‘room’, as we had called it. A fallen tree made a perfect bench, and the leaves formed a dome shaped canopy just a few inches above Lisa’s head.
Without Milly, our ‘safe haven’ was becoming more and more scary. I had nowhere to go where I could just heal. No one that I could talk to just to talk. I sat down on the fallen log. Before I knew it, I was one my knees, head bowed, hands folded.
Dear God, please help me remember all the good things, and forget all the bad things. I want to remember her. I didn’t want to cry, but something in me told me that I needed to. I don’t know what to do, but I know I won’t be able to do it alone. And I know she’s up there with you now, but can you just tell her that I miss her… I paused. I gasped and realized I’d been holding my breath. And that I love her. Another tear fell on to my tightly clasped hands. Please. My hands were shaking, now. Please.
A sudden noise in the woods made me jump to my feet, surprising myself with my own agility. I looked up to see Lisa walking toward me. I didn’t know yet whether she’d seen me crying or not. I wiped my eyes hurriedly on the back of my hand, and looked up. She brushed a willow branch out of the way.
“Cassy?” She looked at me questioningly. “Are you okay?” She asked. She looked guilty. I sniffed and wiped my eyes again.
“I’m fine. I thought you were busy.” I said. I immediately felt sorry for the accusation in my voice. “Did you finish?” I asked, slightly less harshly.
“Yeah.” She paused and looked down at her feet. “I did.” I looked at her hands. If I didn’t say something soon, she was going to rip her fingers off.
“I’m sorry I bothered you earlier. I didn’t know you wer-” She cut me off.
“No.” She looked down and swallowed. “No, you didn’t.” She looked at the leaves almost touching her head. “I wasn’t that busy.”
The awkward silence that followed was unlike anything I’d ever experienced, even with Mom and Dad after they were separated. Everyone thought I couldn’t handle the divorce, so they didn’t say anything while I was there…but I knew all to well. Dad left mom because he didn’t care about her, and he didn’t care about us. He didn’t care who he hurt. He didn’t care about anyone but himself.
I walked past Lisa, leaving her standing by herself. “I have schoolwork.” I mumbled. She grabbed my arm. I pulled away, but her grip was strong. I looked up to tell her to let go, but when I saw her face, I stopped pulling away. She looked like she was in a trance, but there were tears streaming down her face. She did not look at me.
“What were you doing when I came?” She asked quietly. I swallowed, wondering whether I should tell her the truth. I understood now why she valued her time alone.
“I was praying about Milly.” I answered. She turned and looked at me like I had just cursed.
“About…Milly?” Her features jerked as though the words caused her pain.
“Yes.” I said, suddenly feeling guilty. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you where I was going.” She shook her head firmly. She continued her questions, disregarding my apology.
“Was this the first time you’ve come out here?” She asked, her tears falling onto her brown jacket. I tried to answer, but the lump in my throat made it too difficult, and finally I just nodded.
“It’s not the same anymore.” She said. One sob escaped her lips and her shoulders shook. She covered her hand with her mouth and shook her head. Her hand pressed tighter on my shoulder, almost to the point of pain. Her arm stayed strait, preventing me from moving any closer or any farther away.
I had never seen Lisa cry. Not that I could remember. She looked so helpless. She looked so broken. It reminded me of when the police had pulled Milly’s body out of the passengers side window, broken and bloodied. Her clothes had been caked with blood and her head hung limp from the mans arms. If Lisa had not been holding me back I would’ve run to her, tried to help her. It wasn’t until later I would know that it was no use. I couldn’t have helped her even if I had tried.
She was shaking now, but not because she was crying. I felt her grip on my shoulder tighten and she collapsed onto the forest floor.
“Lisa!!!” I screamed, my throat suddenly dry. I shook her, and fear struck me like a bullet. She wasn’t moving. “Lisa, please!”
Nothing.

Unfamiliar~Ali Cummings

Unfamiliar


The day after my prayer session with Niki, I was laying in my bed typing on my laptop. I had a habit of typing all of my prayers into my computer. So far my entry sounded very plain, but I continued writing.
The phone ringing made me jump. I looked over and picked it up off my desk. I put the phone to my ear, wondering who would be calling at this time on a Saturday.
“Hello?” I asked. An unfamiliar voice came on the other line.
“Hi, This is Pastor Frank. I think you met me when you visited a couple Sundays ago.” I remembered the Sunday I had gone to visit Milly’s new church. I nodded, then, remembering that I couldn’t see me, I quickly answered that I had.
“Well that’s good. Anyway, I was calling to see if you wanted to go to party that the youth group is having tonight. If it’s okay with your parents, but you don’t have a ride, I can swing by and pick you up, if you’d like.” He finished. I thought about this offer. I felt like it might be a good thing. Many of the people there would’ve known Milly.
“Yeah. I’d like that.” I answered. “Just let me ask my parents.” I quickly put the phone down and ran into the living room. “Mom, can I go to a church party tonight?”
“Sure.” She said, not even looking up. Sometimes I loved that about my mom. Other times it just felt like she didn’t care. Today it was a blessed relief, as she still hadn’t asked about my afternoon with Niki. Now that her mind was occupied with something else, that subject was far less likely to come up in one of our few conversations.
“Thanks.” I said hurriedly, running back to my room. I picked up the phone off my pillow and put it to my ear. “My mom said that I could go, but I do need a ride.” I said. Almost before I had finished the sentence, he started talking. He sounded a little bit like a five year old that had just had brownies. I giggled at the thought of the old, gray-haired man jumping around like a sugar-pumped toddler.
“Oh great. That’s great. We’re so happy you’re gonna be there. I’ll swing by and give you a ride. I just need to know where you live.” He finished, finally stopping to take a breath.
“I’ll let my mom give you directions.” I said. “I don’t know my way around that county that well” I added, embarrassed. I had lived here for eleven of my fourteen years and I still hadn’t learned my way around. I was always daydreaming instead of looking out the window when we went places.
“Oh, that reminds me, I’ll want to stop by and meet your parents.” He said, continuing his speech. My heart jumped into my throat as I tried to catch my breath. Talking to him was starting to make me dizzy.
“Like, my dad?” I asked, knowing full well he had said ‘parents.’
“Well, I’d like to meet your mother and your father, if that’s possible. I know sometimes parents can have weird work schedules, and sometimes they can’t be ho-“ I cut him off.
“Yeah, they’ll be home.” I said quickly. ‘Her being at work won’t be a problem, I though to myself.’ It’s not that it would be a bad think for him to meet her, I just didn’t know how he’d react.
“Ummmm…I’ll let you talk to my mom now…she’ll give you the directions.” I said, letting the phone fall to my side. I carried the phone out into the hallway and dropped into mom’s hand. “Just give him directions.” I said quietly. She put the phone to her ear, ignoring the nervous tone in my voice. Now was one of those times when it seemed like she didn’t care.
I could hear her talking behind me as I walked back to my room and flopped onto my bed, stomach first. Nervous as I was, a new thought crept into my head.
Moments later, I was shuffling through my closet for something to wear. I pushed aside the pink dress I had worn to Mrs. Jamie’s wedding. I opened my mouth as I saw it. It was perfect. A plain black sweater with a V style neck. It had a braid design down the front and it went down to right above my knee. I felt the soft fabric in between my fingers. I turned my head to look at my brown suede boots near my door. ‘It’s perfect’ I thought. And I have the perfect hairstyle to go with it. ‘French braid down the back’ I thought. ‘But I don’t know how to do a French braid.’ I thought. And Niki was at work by now. I would have to do my best. About a half hour later, I had taken a shower and was slipping on the long black sweater. It fit nicely, the sleeves stopping just short of my knuckles. After looking up directions for French braiding on the internet, I put my hair into a loose and sloppy braid. Somehow, it seemed like I had meant for it to be that way. I smiled at my reflection in the bathroom. I didn’t look like an outsider. That was my main concern. I slipped on my brown boots, just as I saw his car drive into the driveway. I went outside, not intending to mention anything about my parents.
“Hi, Ali. I came a little early, so I could meet your parents and we could still be on time.” He said, opening the door of the car. ‘So much for my idea’ I thought. I led him into the house, my feet much more willing than my head.
When I opened the door, mom was sitting in the living room watching the TV. “Pastor Frank, this is my mom.” I looked up for some sort of surprise on his face, fear even. But instead, I saw only kindness and good intentions. I let out a sigh of relief. He hadn’t been freaked out.
Right then, my dad walked in from the shop, greased hands and everything. I drew a long breath and let it out slowly. He’d think both my parent were weirdoes.
After talking to them for about five minutes, he looked at his watch. “I think we should probably get going if we’re going to make it to the party on time.” He said. My dad nodded and, after hurriedly stating when he’d like me to be home, waved us out the door.
As the door shut behind us, I was almost certain he would ask something about my mom. I waited, bracing myself to answer any of the questions he had, as I had done so many times. Nothing. We walked to the car in silence.
The ride to the party was much the same, save for a few comments about my atire, which were very much appreciated. I dug in my purse, and pulled out my small notebook. I jotted down the lyrics to one of my favorite songs
Hey there, little girl, with your tangled hair, your tattered clothes.

You’re fifteen and you’re about to bloom just like a rose.

You’re wishin that you had designer jeans, like the ones you see in magazines.

And I know you’d do anything just to fit in, but price tags don’t define you.

It comes from within.

Don’t you know you’re beautiful.

Don’t you know you’re beautiful.

Don’t you know you’re beautiful, just the way you are.
Hey there little homecomin queen, in that back seat.

I bet his big brown eyes are promising you everything.

And I know you wanna be just like you’re friends,

but he’ll still love you if you don’t give in.

And if those girls were being honest.

That’ve been where you’re at,

I bet they’d tell you they wish they had their innocence back.

Don’t you know you’re beautiful.

Don’t you know you’re beautiful.

Don’t you know you’re beautiful, just the way you are.
So he left you for a girl that could be your twin,

if you were twenty eight again.

Let him go (let him go),

Let him fly (let him fly),

pick your head up, get on with your life.
Don’t you know you’re beautiful.

Don’t you know you’re beautiful.

Don’t you know you’re beautiful, just the way you are.
The lyrics somehow seemed to calm me at that moment. I wasn’t flawless. I wasn’t perfect. I was beautiful. Just the way I was. I suddenly realized that the car had stopped. I shoved my notebook into my bag, and climbed out of the van.

Finally Home~Milly Callum

Finally Home

“No!” I screamed in agony. I wanted so much to talk to him at that moment. “I can hear you!” I yelled. “I can hear every word. I love you too, Tod” I fell to the floor. “…so much.” I whispered. I regained my composure quickly, as I saw Alana walking toward me. She stooped down to my level.
“No tears past the gate.” She said simply, handing me a handkerchief. I sniffed and wiped my eyes with the cloth.
“I know.” I whispered. “but why can’t he hear me? Why can’t I talk to him?” My tears were flowing freely now.
“You were not of the world, but in it. You left the world behind, severing all conection as you went.” She answered. “You were given this gift because you asked for it.”
I dreaded that day now, yet my mind seemed all too happy to relive it.

I knelt before my father, humbling myself, completely speechless.
“Rise up,” He commanded. “My good and faithful servant. I am pleased.” I looked up, shocked. I didn’t understand.
“Lord, there…there must be some mistake. I’m no one. I’m not even worthy of looking at you. How can you call me a good and faithful servant?” I stood, gaping at his mercy, his love…for me.
“You forget,” He said. “You are also my child. What can a child do that would turn it’s creator away from it?” He asked.
I thought for a moment. My mind flashed back to an old song our church teachers had taught the class when I was little. It played in my head, a light, but happy melody.
“Absolutely nothing.” I said, smiling as the words passed my lips. He smiled down at me.
“I see you remember your many years at my house. Anyone who searches within your heart, as I have, will see plainly that you were at your happiest when visiting my home. You found friendships there that last to this day. It was your escape from the life you were forced to live.” He reached to touch my cheek. “You were devastated when you were forced to leave.” I lifted my arm to take hold of His wrist. When I touched Him, a warm pulse flowed through my body, matching the beat of my heart. He stepped back, and my hand fell limp at my side. The warmth of his touch stayed with me as he went.
“You have read in my scriptures that I shall grant you your heart’s desire. So tell me child. What is it that lays closest to your heart?” He asked.
I thought about the carefully. I stood and thought. I was certain at least half an hour had past when I spoke. “I want to see my family and friends. To be able to watch over them.” He smiled a warm, knowing smile.
“And so you shall, my darling.” He cupped his hands and put them together, reminding me somewhat of a prayer. A bright light began to shine from inside his hands. It became so bright that I had to shield my eyes. Seconds later, the light seemed to disappear and I lowered my arms from in front of my face.
He stood holding an engraved box of pure gold. It was an oval shape with a hinged top. There was intricate engravings all around it, depicting beautiful hanging vines. Hidden throughout the vines were colorful wild, and exotic flowers like I’d never seen before. He held it out to me, silently asking me to take it. I took it from Him and held it gingerly in my hands.
“What is it?” I asked, examining the scarlet script engraved on the lid. “Milly.” I read.
“It will give you the ability to look back on the place you left. Now, do not misunderstand me.” I looked up at Him, listening intently.
“You have no connection to earth through this.” He pointed at the box. “You may see your friends and know their thoughts, but you may not communicate with them. You may not appear to them in any way. Do you understand?”
My eyes stayed fixed on His face as I answered. “I do.” I looked down and realized for the first time how perfectly the box fit into my hands.
“And now,” His hand swept across the blank landscape that was Heaven. “Your mansion awaits.” He waved His hand in the direction of a large building, not unlike a palace. I gasped.
“That’s where I live?” I asked, not even believing my own words. “I...that’s my house?” I looked up at him, like a child might look to his father, silently questioning if a situation was really happening. He simply nodded. I looked one last time at the gorgeous building before me, before running up the silver-white steps. I opened the door and gasped. I had just stepped into the church. It was exactly the same. My father appeared behind me and spoke
“Like I said before, this is where you are happiest. This is where you will stay. This is your home. I shall leave you now, but I will be just a call away if you ever have need of me.” I looked up at him. I wrapped my arms around him and held tight. He hugged me back. What could I say? I was home.

Words I Never Said~Tod Belle

Words I Never Said


I heard a knock at my door, and I looked over at the clock on my bed. 12:47. I moaned and pulled the quilt over my head. The door creaked open and my mom sat down on the bed.
“Tod, are you okay?” She asked. “You haven’t been out of bed all morning.” She paused. “Do you want me to make you some breakfast.”
“I’m not hungry.” I mumbled. She put her hand on my shoulder and started rubbing my back. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.
“Well,” She said, patting me on the shoulder. “Let me know if you need anything.” She got off the bed and walked out the door, closing it behind her.
For about an hour, I just laid on my bed, trying away the memories. Ping-pong, Shine, Sunday-school, ATF. The silence in my room was closing in on me, and I knew what was coming.
I leaned over and got sick into the trash can beside my bed. When I finished, I sat up in the bed and wiped my mouth with a tissue. I reached over on my bedside table and grabbed a mint. I popped it in my mouth to get rid of the bitter taste that was now burning my throat.
I got off of my bed and went to the bathroom. I rinsed out the trash can and brushed my teeth. I decided that maybe if I ate something, the sick feeling that lingered in my stomach, would subside. My mother would certainly be glad to see me eating something. My thoughts were interrupted when Niki stopped at the bathroom door and saw me.
“Why are you rinsing out your trashcan?” She glanced down, and saw my toothbrush, out of it’s case, on the counter. “Did you get sick again?” Her voice told me that she knew why I was sick.
‘It’s nothing.” I lied, discovering at that moment that I was a horrible liar. As per my assumption, she saw right through me.
“It is not nothing. Tod, you need to eat something. You’re gonna starve yourself to d-” She stopped.
“Go ahead. Say it. Say that I haven’t eaten anything for a week. Say that if I don’t eat something, I’ll die. Say that if I don’t get over her, I’ll end up dead…just like M-…her. Just like her.” The sick feeling in my stomach worsened, but I kept control. “I can’t do it. I can’t just let her go. Why couldn’t I have just told her?’ I yelled, more to myself than Niki. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. The tears in my eyes refused to listen to my head. I hurriedly wiped my cheek on the sleeve of my shirt. Niki stepped closer to me.
“Tod…” I pushed her away. I ran through the bathroom door and down the stairs. I didn’t know where I was going or why. I just ran. I kept running, past the stalls, and down the street. I ducked into a path I the woods and kept running. I dropped to my knees in the middle of a clearing.
“Milly Callum, wherever you are, I need you to know something. Ever since I met you, you’ve been more than a friend to me. A sister, but even more than that…I loved you, Milly…and I still do. I should’ve told you when I had the chance….and now you’re gone…forever. But I need you to know this…no matter where I go or who I meet. I’ll always love you.” Suddenly, my whisper of a prayer turned into more of a yell. “I LOVE YOU, MILLY CALLUM!!!” I fell to the ground and cried. She couldn’t be gone…not yet. What if she didn’t hear me? What if she never knew? What if she never knew how much I loved her. For an hour, I just laid there in the middle of the woods. No one came to look for me, not that I wanted to be found. I was guessing Niki hadn’t mentioned my little meltdown to mom, or there would’ve been police choppers circling our house by now. There was only one person I could talk to right now, and she was gone…for good.
“Why did you take her?!?!” I found myself yelling at God. The God I used to trust. The God I used to take all my problems to. But I now refused to trust him, refused to answer to him as my protector. Milly had always had such a sure faith. She was sure to be in heaven right now. But she shouldn’t be there. I though angrily. She should be here. This is where she belongs.
Suddenly, I had an idea. I looked over at the tree to my right. It was a wide oak with a large knot near the bottom of the trunk. It was perfect. Just the right size for what I needed. I wondered if my dad would let me use his tools to make it. No I thought. I want to make this special. I’ll do it all by hand. With that last thought, I ran back to my house and up to my room to find I piece of clean notebook paper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I ran into my house, Niki was waiting at the kitchen table. There was a plate on the table, but I couldn’t tell what was on it.
“I made you a sandwich.” She said, offering me the plate. I was able to see the sandwich clearly now. It was grilled cheese.
“Thanks.” I said, smiling and taking the plate from her. I sat down across from her at the table.
“What’s up with you?” She asked suspiciously. Her curiosity didn’t cover the fact that she was excited I had finally decided to eat something.
“I have an idea.” I said, matter of factly, biting into the grilled cheese. I realized just how hungry I had been the whole week.
“What kind of idea?” She asked. I was on the second half of my sandwich now. I had decided about two bites into it that the only way to eat a sandwich when you’re hungry is fast.
“You’ll see.” She smiled, although I’m not sure why. I figured I had cheese on my face or something. I set the empty paper plate on the table.
“You still hungry?” She asked knowingly.
“Yeah…” I said quietly. She laughed.
“You want me to make you another sandwich, while you go work on your idea?” She said the word “idea” like it was a bad thing.
“Would you?” I asked. I really wanted to get up to work on my project, but if she offered to make it, then…
“Sure.” She said. I smiled, thanked her, and ran up the stairs. When I got to my room, I dug through my drawers until I found my brand new school notebook. I grabbed my favorite pen off my desk and sat down. I opened the notebook to the first page and started to write.

Lifeless Memory~Niki Belle

Lifeless Memory


We pulled into the parking lot of Tropical Smoothie about fifteen minutes later. Ali stepped out of the car just as I shut my door. We walked in and ordered our smoothies. We sat down in one of the corner booths away from all the noise and chatter of the main tables. As we sat down, I could tell something wasn’t quite right with Ali.
“What’s up, girl?” I couldn’t think of what else to say. “You okay?” Not the best choice of questions, but it would have to do. She looked up at me. She had gone off in her own world for a minute. Somehow, she heard my question clearly.
“I just miss Milly, I guess. How’s Tod doin?” She said, changing the subject.
“He’ll be fine. He won’t be the same…but he’ll pull through.” I directed the question back at her. “I’m worried about you, though.” She turned to look over her shoulder. I followed her gaze and saw a small, fragile looking girl carrying our smoothies to the table. We took our smoothies, and set them on the tables.
When the girl had gone back to the counter, I looked back at her. She was looking down and biting on her straw.
“It just shouldn’t have happened so soon. She should still be here.” Her voice broke. “It wasn’t her time.” She cleared her throat and took a sip of her smoothie.
“Have you tried praying about it?” I asked. She looked up at me like I’d lost my mind.
“God doesn’t care. If He cared the slightest bit about us, He wouldn’t have taken her. He’s not gonna help us deal with something He did.” She said incredulously.
“How will you know if you don’t try?” She looked down again and thought for a moment.
“Praying is not gonna make her come back. She’s gone, and no amount of prayer is gonna change that.” She bit down on her straw and closed her eyes.
“It won’t make her come back, but it helps…it makes you feel better. Trust me. I’ve tried it without prayer, and with prayer, and prayer sure does make it a lot easier.” I remembered the past few nights, sitting in my bed. Tod had been sick all night. He wasn’t eating. That was the night I started praying. For him. For Ali. For Milly, even.
The sound of Ali’s hand shaking on the table brought me back to reality. When I looked up she was crying, but I could tell she was trying hard to hide it.
“Do you want me to pray with you?” I asked. She looked up. I saw something in her eye that said she believed again. Her faith was back, even if just for a second.
She just nodded her head. I put my hands on the table for her to hold. She placed her hands in mine, and closed her eyes. This confused me. Of all the times I’d seen Ali pray, she had never once closed her eyes. Her hands shook in mine, as she let out another sob. I bowed my head and started to pray.
“Dear God, we pray that you would put your hand on Ali and help her to heal. I ask that you would help her to understand, and that you would bring her peace. I pray for Milly, that she is happy in heaven, and that she has found peace in your kingdom. I pray for Milly’s mother and father, and for Cassy and Lisa, that you will be with them through all of this. Help them to remember you, Lord, that they would know this is not goodbye, but just sort of…” The right phrase refused to come to my lips.
“…see you later…” Ali offered. I looked up. She was smiling. I knew God’s process had begun insider her heart. I smiled back.
“…a see you later.” I continued. “Amen.” I finished. Ali’s hands seemed to fall out of mine, almost as if she had become a puppet that someone had just cut the strings on. For a minute, we just sat in silence. She was biting her straw and her lip at the same time. I took a sip of my smoothie.
“I think…” She began. I looked up from the table to see her looking out the window. She turned to face me. “I think you were right.” She smiled. It was the first real smile I had seen from her in ages. I thought back to the day of Milly’s funeral.

“Her life was short, but it was well lived.” Pastor Allen had been asked to preach for the funeral. He was, after all, Milly’s great uncle. I tried to listen to the speech, but was too lost in my own thoughts. Suddenly, all the memories came flashing back to me. I remembered when Tod had come home talking about her the first time. Quiet, soft-spoken, and shy had been the words he used to describe her. Inside my own head, I suppressed a giggle. She had become anything but shy after meeting Tod. Every Wednesday night after church, they would skip around the church like maniacs, hugging everybody and anybody who would hug them back. Still soft-spoken and quiet, but not shy.
I came back to reality of the funeral for just a second, to see Alex and Ali crying onto one another, Ali more than Alex. I went to stand beside them, knowing it would do no good. As I walked up to stand beside Ali, she turned and looked at me. She leaned onto my shoulder, sobbing uncontrollably. I hated to see her like this, but I stayed close to her. She needed me right now. I was sure that I would be lost in my thoughts soon, anyway. Yet my eyes stayed firmly focused on the black wooden coffin, clinging to it as if it were life itself. But I knew very well that the thing that my eyes now so desperately took hold of did not represent life at all, but the opposite. That carved wooden box represented the loss of a loyal friend. A lifetime of memories, coming to an end. It represented a heart that once beat with so many emotions, now lifeless in the chest of a small blue-eyed girl.

Before I knew it, I was at the bottom of my cup, and I had a pounding headache. Probably brain freeze. I thought. I looked up at Ali, who was staring out the window, seemingly lost in her own thoughts.
“Are you ready to go?” I asked, looking at her almost empty smoothie cup. She looked at me like she had just woken up from a dream.
“Oh…” She said, looking at her cup. “Yeah, I’m ready.” She smiled and picked up her purse from the floor beside her chair. She took her cup from the table and threw it into the trash can beside the door. She led the way to the car that sat, lonely, in the parking lot. I looked around to see maybe four other cars in the whole parking lot. The car door shutting brought me back, and I realized I was grasping the handle of the driver’s side door. I pulled the door open and climbed in. We drove back in silence. When I couldn’t stand it any more, I reached up to turn on the radio, wishing instantly that I hadn’t. The familiar words came through the speakers, as if they had been positioned to jump into our minds as soon as I turned the radio on.
Oh, I don’t know how to let you go…You’re so deep down I my soul…I feel helpless…so hopeless…Like a door that never closes…No, I don’t know how to do this.
I looked over at Ali, and was surprised to see her singing along, without a single tear on her face. I smiled at the idea. I had done my job…and God had done his.

Like it Was~Lisa Callum

Like it was.

I sat on my bed and held a picture of Milly. She had only been nine years old when the picture was taken, and she looked exactly like Cassy. I wanted to hold her again…I wanted my sister back.

I looked across the room at Milly and Tod. Tod started skipping around in a circle, very girlishly. I giggled a little as I saw Milly double over laughing. They were made for each other. I can still remember the look on her face when she opened the present he gave her for her fourteenth birthday. It was a beautiful silver ring with a carved white horse on it. She wore that ring ever single day. I could only recall one time when she hadn’t warn it, and that was when she left it at the church. She had spent all afternoon looking through every pew until she finally found it on the pastor’s podium.
Niki came up to me and waved her hand in front of my face.
“Hello…you there?” She laughed.
“I think I hear wedding bells…” I joked.
“Well, it’s about time.” She said sarcastically. We both laughed.
“Hey, I better get back to Alex. She wants me to help her with something.”
“Okay. I think we’re getting ready to leave soon anyway. My mom should be driving around the back any minute now. I’ll see you later.” I turned in the direction of the door, still facing Niki.
“See ya!” She said, walking away.
I turned towards Milly.
“Milly come on!” She looked up from what Tod had been showing her.

All of the sudden, Cassy ran in. I jumped and the picture fell into the folds of my blanket. She jumped onto the bed and grabbed me around the waist, burying her head in my chest. She mumbled something I couldn’t quite make out.
“What’s wrong, Cassy?” I said. She looked up at me.
“Mom and Dad are fighting again.” She said curling into me as though she was hiding from something.
“Dad’s here?!” I asked. She just curled tighter against me.
“He won’t stop yelling.” I could feel her crying against me. I hugged her tight. Finally, she stopped shaking and looked up at me.
“Why did Milly die?” The words hit me like a bullet. I pulled her back into my lap and started crying. I shook my head weakly.
“I don’t know Cassy…I don’t know.”

Going in Reverse~Niki Belle

Going in Reverse

I drove slowly on my way to Ali’s house, trying to stay calm. I was seriously worried about her. I mean, she’d been really depressed ever since Milly had left the church, but now…she was really gone.

We walked over to the pavilion and sat down on the rough wooden bench. For a couple of seconds, Ali just sat beside me. She didn’t say anything. She let out a shaky breath and wiped her cheek.
“What’s up?” I said. “Everything okay?” I put my arm around her and hugged her. I felt her shake under my arm. She shook her head no.
“What is it?” I asked. I waited for her to answer.
“I was thinking about Milly today in class.” She started shakily. “I had like this vision of her in her room, and she was slitting her wrist, and Lisa came in and saw her.” She finished. She reached up to wipe her cheek again.
“Well do you think she would do something like that? I mean, I know she’s had problems like that before, but nothing recent, that I know of.” Ali shook her head again.
“I don’t know. I’m just worried, that’s all” She finished. I looked up and saw Tod walking toward the pavilion. He jumped over the bench and continued in our direction.
“Do you know the meaning of privacy?” I asked.
“Nope!” He joked. “What’s it mean?” I saw James and Alex walking over.
“I don’t think we’re gonna get any more private conversation right now.” I whispered. She nodded, wiped her eyes one last time and stood up. She looked over her shoulder and saw her parents van. She walked over and grabbed her purse. She turned and looked back at me.
“If you need to talk about anything, just give me a call, okay?” I whispered in her ear as I huggeed her tight. As she pulled away, I thought I saw a single tear on her cheek.

I turned the car into Ali’s gravel driveway. She was standing at the bottom of her driveway with her purse slung over hr shoulder. When I stopped next to her, she smiled weakly, and walked to the other side of the car. She opened the door and sat down. I put the car in reverse and started to back out of the driveway.

An Angel's Memory~Milly Callum

An Angel’s Memory


I walked silently through the crowd, every single person dressed in black. I had been to funerals before, but this one didn’t seem to make any sense. I realized now that every person on this earth has two funerals. But now that I see earth funerals like this, I think heaven makes a lot more sense. There was one similarity. My name kept being repeated...Milly Callum.

We rode home from Chic-fil-a in a moderately quiet atmosphere. Aside from the sudden outbursts of Cassy in the back seat of the car and the thunder outside, the car was silent. Lisa’s cell phone was still glowing in her pocket from where she had hung it up just minutes before. We had just gotten a call from mom saying that she had gotten another e-mail from Joe. We had all agreed that it would be better off not to know what it said. But it still worried us. We were just about tired of putting up with this mess. Wasn’t it bad enough that he’d finally driven us out of the church? Why did he have to keep harassing us like this.
As if reading my mind, Lisa answered my question aloud.
“He probably just wants us to know that we can’t escape him or something like that.” She laughed, and I looked over at her. How could she laugh at that? “He’s got this “Holier than thou” thing goin on.” She finished. I started laughing too.
Suddenly I felt the seat of the car seem to slide out from under me, and in a split second, we were spinning out of control. Lisa was desperately trying to slam on brakes and turn the wheel all at once. Cassy screamed and I heard her DS hit the floor of the van. The rear wheel of the van dropped into a steep ditch and the van flipped. I put my hands above my head, but my seat belt had already caught me. I heard metal grinding and then a loud crack. The back of seat had broken and been pushed abruptly forward. My forehead hit the dash board and the headrest went crashing through the front window. I barely felt the warm blood trickling down my face before I was slung back against the back of my seat. My head flung back and I felt my neck snap just before everything went black.

I shuddered and felt the place where the dashboard had made contact with my skull. I refused to let myself remember the pain. I did, however, let myself relive what had happened next.

When I opened my eyes, I didn’t seem to resting on anything. I was more floating than anything. I tried to sit up, almost sure I would be restrained by casts and IV’s, but it was surprisingly easy to work my way to a sitting position. I reached instinctively to my forehead. No bandages. I felt the back of my neck. No brace. Most surprising of all, the pain had subsided completely. In fact, I felt as though I had never experienced any pain in my life. But was this my life? It couldn’t be.
Before, I had never noticed my surroundings. As I spun my neck around the room, I noticed a small girl sitting just a few feet away. Her curly red hair seemed to be the only bit of color in the room. I slowly moved over to her. Her head was buried in her arms and she was holding her knees. As I came closer, she lifted her head, and I was able to take in her light features. Her face seemed familiar, like a memory from a dream. Finally I found my voice.
“Where am I?” Was all I could think to say at that point. She smiled.
“You’re on the first step of your journey.” She said in the voice of a child, but with a wisdom that seemed to be of God himself.
“Where are Lisa and Cassy?” I asked, not pausing to interpret her answer to the first question.
“They are still on the earth. Their angels are watching over them.” She answered.
“What do you mean, their angels?” My voice was gaining confidence every question that I asked.

“Everyone on earth has a guardian angel. They watch over you from the moment you are conceived, until you draw your last breath. We may appear to you, but only in times of desperate need. I am your guardian angel. My name is Alana.” The words struck me like a lightning bolt. I knew where I had seen her before.
“Alana. You…you were in the woods when I…when I ran away. You told me to go back home. You saved my life.” My eyes threatened to overflow with tears, but I fought to keep them back.
“It was not your time. Tonight in the car, you had had all you could take. There was nothing more you could take. But more suffering was coming. Worse times were ahead. He took you to protect you. That is why you are here.” She said. Tears were flowing from I eyes now.
“But why did they stay? If there’s worse times, why am I the one that should escape suffering, while they stay on earth?” I asked.
“The Lord will not push you beyond what you can handle. He is the protector. He saves those who cannot save themselves.” She said. I reached up to wipe my face.
“So what happens now?” I said. She smiled a warm smile.
“You must meet Him. He will answer questions I know nothing about.” She took my hand and led me to a magnificent golden gate.