Going Back~Lisa Callum

Going Back

I swung my legs over the edge of my bed and looked down at the floor. It had been two days since I learned of Tod’s death. I looked over at my clock. The viewing would be over by now. I swallowed and thought of Niki. She needed me at the viewing. She needed me to be there for her. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was too hard. After going to my own sisters viewing, how could I possibly force myself to see the boy she loved lying dead in a coffin. Just the thought of it brought tears springing to my eyes as if they had no care as to the time or the place. I wiped them on my arm, quick to rid myself of the things that were more of a hindrance than a harm.
I looked up to see my mother standing in the doorway, looking down at me. For the first time, there was no smile on her face. Her cheeks were soaked with fresh tears, and I could see her shaking from where I sat.
I wasn’t quite sure what to do with this. I had never seen my mom like this before. Even when she was hurting inside, she was always smiling. Half of me was scared to see my mother like this. The other half of just wanted to hold her and make everything in her life better. Finally, I had the courage to say something.
“Mom, what’s wrong?” I said, my voice shaking.
“Lisa, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She said. “I should’ve been there for you. I knew what he was doing and I didn’t stop him.” She held her head in her hands. “Why didn’t I stop him?” She asked.
“Mom, no, you…” I stopped. I couldn’t believe what I was feeling. For a moment, anger flared inside of me. I thought over what she had said. Why didn’t she stop him? How could she have kept quiet when she knew what he was doing? I kept my eyes on my feet, not daring to look at her face. “I…I don’t know what to say.” I said honestly.
I hesitated and tried to figure out just what I felt. She was my mother; I had been mad at her before, but not like the rage that was building inside me now. I could only think of what she hadn’t done, what she hadn’t said.
“Right now,” I started. “I just need to be alone.” She moved to put her hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged it away. The pain in her eyes hurt me, but I turned away. I was determined to ignore her pain like she ignored mine. Finally, she stood up and walked out of the room, fresh tears filling her eyes. That was when I broke down.
I flung myself onto my pillow and started sobbing. I was filled with anger and hatred and regret and several other emotions I couldn’t describe. My head was spinning with memories and decisions. When the tears slowed, I shut my eyes tightly and clutched the pillow to my chest. I started praying aloud.
“God, why did you let him do that to me?” I asked, infuriated. “And why didn’t you give her the courage to stop him?” I cried harder. “I was only twelve!!” I screamed, my face still buried in the pillow. “What did I do to deserve that?” I was still angry, but the hatred was dying down to sorrow and grief. “God, where were you when I needed you?” I asked, scaring myself with my own thoughts. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that he had never left my side, not once. The fact that I was accusing him of leaving me now almost pushed me over the edge of thinking it was true. This thought only scared me more, and I once again gave in to the tears that cracked my voice without my wanting them to.
In my eyes, I had no one to turn to. God may be with me, but he had done nothing to stop the torture, done nothing to erase the pain. And now I found that my mother had played the same role. Always knowing, never interfering. I lifted my head from the pillow and wiped my cheek with the back of my hand, and was shocked to see Cassy standing in my doorway.
“Cassy!” I said, my voice still angry. She jumped from my sudden outburst directed at her. “What are you doing?” I hissed, embarrassed that she had seen my little episode. I was then hit with something like panic. How much had she heard? My question was quickly answered.
“Who hurt you?” She asked simply. I swallowed.
“No one.” I said solemnly. It tasted a lie on my lips to be saying the words when in truth, I had been hurt by so many people, I had lost track. She didn’t look convinced, but she got the hint and dropped the subject.
“Can you come play outside with me?” She peered though my window as if checking something. “It’s a pretty day.” She stated the obvious. The weather was a cloudless and sunny sky, and the high temperature was going to be around 75 degrees. It was definitely not the weather that reflected my mood, but it was beautiful day out, and I didn’t want to leave Cassy to be bored by herself.
“Sure.” I said, climbing off of my bed. “What do you wanna play?” I asked. Her face lit up and she smiled the widest smile I had seen in months. I realized soon enough that her smile was contagious.
“We could have a concert.” She suggested. I tried to remember the last time we had had a family concert. We would stand out in the yard with our audience consisting of our parents, stuffed animals, and our dogs, and we would sing the silliest songs we could think of until we got hoarse or until it got dark. The last time I remembered doing a concert was when I was eleven years old. After that, I had generally become part of the audience, if I participated at all. Milly had always been the singer in the family. I was better with instruments and Cassy had always done backup. She had the sweet clear voice for it. I figured if now wasn’t the time to get back into our band, I didn’t know what was.
“That sounds really cool.” I said. She smiled and I returned it. “I’ll get the stuffed animals.”