Can't Let Go~Ali Cummings

Can't Let Go

As soon as the worship service was over, I vowed to make it out of the sanctuary as soon as I possibly could. We sang the closing hymn, and I grabbed my purse and headed for the narthex. I knew where I would hide. I was going to the library. No one would find for me there, if they even bothered to look. When I got to the library, I crumpled onto the floor and leaned against the wall, letting the tears fall from my eyes, unrestrained for the first time. I did not try to stop them. At that point, I didn’t care who saw me.
The door opened and I looked up to see Niki standing in the doorway. She seemed to swoop down and sit beside me. She put her hand on my shoulder.
“What’s wrong?” She asked, rubbing my shoulder.
“I can’t let her go, Niki. I just can’t. She meant too much to me.” She had been my sister and my angel. She had been like family to me.
“No. No. I understand. I can’t let her go either. I don’t think anyone who knew her ever will. She was too good of a person.” She paused. “But, what makes you think you have to let her go?” She asked.
“Well, I’ll have to let her go eventually. I mean, it’s not like she’s going to come back. She’s dead now, and she’ll still be dead years from now.” I fresh wave of tears spilled over the edge of my eyelids.
“Well, yeah, you have to move on with your life, but you don’t have to forget her. I don’t think we could forget her if we tried.” How did she always know what to say? Why was it so easy for her?
“But it’s hard.” I said. I knew I sounded like a baby, but I couldn’t think of anything better to say. “It hurts.” I said. I felt like a child talking to their mother after having woken up from a nightmare.
“I know it does. But it will get better, I promise. It’ll still be painful, but it won’t hurt as bad.” She said. She wrapped her arms around me. “Everything is gonna be fine” I laid my head on her shoulder and cried. I didn’t know what else I could do. Words wouldn’t express how much I was hurting, and I didn’t have strength to even hold my head up.
I couldn’t believe how much I needed Niki then. She was my resting place. A place I could just cry and not say anything. She just held me and rocked me on the floor of the library while everyone else was in the fellowship hall eating their Sunday covered-dish lunch. When I had finally regained my composure, she took into the fellowship hall. There wasn’t much food left, but since neither one of us was very hungry we just took a little of what was left. We walked outside and ate our lunch on the pavilion. We didn’t say much, but there wasn’t much that needed to be said. After we had finished our small lunch, I climbed into her car and she drove me home. Before I got out of the car, I hugged her tight.
“Thank you so much.” I whispered in her ear.
“You’re welcome. Take care, okay?” She smiled, but she looked concerned at the same time.
“I will.” I said. I tried to at least force a smile, but the corners of my mouth suddenly weighed a ton, and I found that I couldn’t lift them up any reasonable distance, so I just nodded. I walked up the ramp to my house and watched her drive out of the driveway.