Searching~Milly Callum

Searching


I wandered down the hall, occasionally pausing to look behind pictures and signs. I didn’t really know what I was looking for. Some kind of writing on the wall, I guess. I didn’t find anything.
I continued on down the red stairs and into the youth room. I inhaled the unique smell of it. I abandoned any former thoughts and let myself get lost in the memories that that one room held. I couldn’t so much as walk into the youth room without completely indulging myself in it’s familiarity. Everything else around me seemed different; strange, but not scary. I couldn’t think of a better word to describe it; it was just different. But the youth room remained the same. I could not step into the room without stepping back in time. It held so much, yet I could see it was visibly empty. I wandered past the youth room and into the kitchen. I could almost smell the dinners I had enjoyed every Wednesday until we left the church.
During my life, I had tried not to regret much, but leaving the church was something I had completely hated. I hated that I felt like I was abandoning my friends. I hated that I wasn’t able to just give them all a big hug and tell them it was all going to be okay and let them cry on my shoulder. And now I was even further away. I looked down. Like Ali said, they would move on someday. They all would. They couldn’t remember me their whole lives. They would go insane. I just wished I could help them. From where I was, I could do nothing. I knew for a fact that I would never forget them. Second to Jesus, they had been the most important people in my life, tied with my family. Some of them had just been my friends. Others had been my sisters. A handful of them had been my angels. Out of all the people at the church, Tod and Ali had been my angels. I wanted them with me now. I wanted them to be able to live in this paradise with me. I wished I could give them a sign. Just to tell them that I was okay and that I would see them again soon.
“No.” I argued with myself aloud. “That would only make them miss me more.” I paused. “I know it makes me miss them more.” I could not put them through the same thing I was enduring now. It was heart wrenching to know that they were down on earth, suffering, and I could do nothing for them. I wanted to help them, I really did, but I knew there was no way. I was in heaven, and they were on earth.
No matter how much I tried, and no matter how much they tried, there was a bridge neither of us could cross. I sighed and continued my journey through the church. All I could do now was to wait for them to join me. I fell face down on to the row of cushioned chairs in front of me. They wouldn’t join me for well over fifty years. I lifted my head off the cushion and smiled. But when I did see them again, I would spend an eternity with them. And for that, I could not be more thankful.