Can't Understand~Lisa Callum

Can’t Understand


When we got home from the hospital, I headed strait for Milly’s room, after assuring mom that I would take the pills the doctor had given me as soon as I had the chance. Her room was exactly like it was when we had left for chik-fil-a the night of the car accident. I swallowed, remembering the reason I no longer had a sister. I killed her. I thought. I’m the reason she’s dead. I shook my head, trying to banish the evil thoughts, but they echoed inside my head with no way to escape. I sighed and began to meticulously look through the drawer of her bedside table. I desperately wanted to leave everything undisturbed, but this was something Milly would want. It was the least I could do. I sifted through the hair ties, pencils, pens, coins, pictures, and notes, and piled them on to her bed until I got to the bottom. I was about to pile the assorted items back into the drawer when I noticed the bottom of the drawer give, ever so slightly. I pressed down against it, with my hand against the bottom. The one I pressed down on compressed under the force I applied to it. The bottom of the drawer did not bend in response. I laughed. Not a single person on this earth could tell me that my sister was not clever. I pulled the drawer out fully and pried out the false bottom. Under it was not one, but several notes, all meant for the same person. I read the name written on the outside of the notes.
“Tod Belle.” I read. “Milly, you could’ve been a great spy.” I said, pulling out each note, one by one, and reading it to myself. “There must be twenty or thirty notes in here.” All of the notes were handwritten and most of them were at least two pages, front and back. “Where did you get the time to write all of these, without anyone noticing?” I asked. I knew she could not possibly answer me from where she was, but asking the question somehow made me feel as though she was not completely gone. Like a part of her remained, even if only in my mind.
Finally I found the one note I had been looking for from the beginning. I recognized the opening line of the note. It was the only one I had known she had written before I found the others in the bottom of the drawer. I knew exactly what to do with it. I would give it to Tod the next time I saw him. I sighed heavily. I wouldn’t see him again until the next Teen Game Night at his house. That would be a month from now. Oh well, I would just have to wait until then.
“Lisa?” I heard a knock on the door, interrupting my thoughts. Cassy opened the door and stepped into the room. I quickly hid the notes I had been reading back in the drawer, replacing the false bottom.
“Lisa, what are you doing in Milly’s room?” She asked. She spotted the pile of things on Milly’s bed. She looked shocked, as though I’d disturbed something sacred. “Why are you messing with her stuff?” She said, her voice getting louder.
“Cassy, it’s okay. I was just looking for something to remember how,” My voice was shaky. “how she was.” Cassy’s look of anger softened.
“Oh.” She said. She looked crushed, like something important had been taken away from her. She stood silent for a few seconds. Suddenly she burst out, “Why do you always want to be alone?” She said it a little louder than her normal voice, but she wasn’t quite yelling. I looked down. She had a right to be angry with me.
“Because I just understand things better when I’m alone.” My voice came out being far more accusing than I had meant for it to be. “I’m sorry.” I said. “I know it’s not good that I’m alone all the time. Their’s just know one who knows how I feel right now.” Cassy looked hurt.
“I understand-”
“No, you don’t Cassy! You can’t possibly understand how I feel. You never will!” Cassy ran out of the door, and I immediately felt guilty. I’ve already lost one sister, and now I was pushing the other one away. Why couldn’t I let anyone in? Everything I did was either pushing something away or blocking something out. The last person I let in had hurt me, badly. But that was years ago. Why couldn’t I let it go and move on with my life? I couldn’t. I couldn’t forget how badly my father had hurt me. I would never be the same because of him. He had taken something that wasn’t his to take. I hadn’t given it to him. He had stolen it. I tried to push away the memories, but they overcame me. They made me feel weak. I had never wanted to grow up that fast. But I had no choice in the matter. I felt lightheaded. Before I had a chance to steady myself, I collapsed onto Milly’s bed.