Unstable~Ali Cummings

Unstable


I stopped running and crouched behind the shed near the pavilion. I felt like I was going the be sick. The air was no thinner than it had been in the small library and I was having difficulty breathing. With my back pressed against the cold metal of the shed, I tried to take slow, steady breaths. My breathing was shaky and it was becoming faster. I calmed myself enough to breath normally, but the nausea remained. I could not even take in my surroundings, my head was spinning so fast.
I could not even separate one thought from another as they bounced around in my mind. My stomach lurched, but I steadied myself against the wall. I tried to swallow, but my throat was once again too dry to even speak, not that I would be able to compose a sentence that made even the slightest bit of sense. I turned my head. The cold metal felt good on my cheek and I reached up to wipe my forehead with my hand. My legs rested uncomfortably on top of several fallen metal lamp posts that had been put behind the shed for storage.
My eyes felt weighed down with unshed tears, but I found that the tears would not fall. I had become numb to the fact that I had just lost one of my best friends in the entire world. I could not cry. I could not smile. I could not breathe. I closed my eyes tightly, willing my body to listen to any command it would consent to. Nothing came. After several seconds, my breathing returned in quick, short gasps. They did not lengthen into sobs, but they were not steady.
I sat in the shadows behind the shed, the sun disappearing further and further behind the trees. The sunset, at any other moment, would have calmed me, but as I sat behind the shed, alone and unable to cry, I only felt pain. I envied the sun at that moment. It kept shining as thought nothing was wrong, as if everything were exactly the same as it had been the day before and the week before and the month before. I knew for certain that I could not go on like this. If I had been the sun, the earth would have been dark days ago.
The sick feeling in my stomach had subsided, leaving only a small headache. My breathing had returned to normal, and my eyes were able to focus on one thing; the ground. I did not move, I did not blink, and I did not think. My attentions were interrupted only when I heard footsteps walking slowly toward the shed. I had no way of knowing who it was without running the risk of exposing my hiding spot.
I wanted desperately never to be found. To be able to sit behind the shed, not thinking, moving, or blinking. It was anything but peaceful, but it was stable. If I did not move, I could not cause anything to move by my hand. If I did not think, I didn’t run the risk of being flooded with horrid memories. And if I did not blink, nothing could escape my eyes unnoticed.
I found out soon enough that the footsteps belonged to Niki. She had come to look for me. I must’ve looked so different from Sunday. Then, I had been fragile, scared. Now I was defiant, independent. I realized I was still scared, but reluctant to show it. Niki sat down beside me, wedging herself, as I had done, in between the lamp posts and the shed’s metal wall.
“What’s wrong? Why are you sitting out here all alone? Joe’s worried.” She said. “He asked if anyone knew where you were and I volunteered to go get you.”
“I just needed a break.” I said. I was surprised at just how easily my voice came, although my throat still felt dry. “I couldn’t go back in there and make a beg scene. Everyone would think I was crazy.” I said. Niki sighed, but she didn’t seem impatient.
“I don’t know what I can do for you. If I could give you the perfect life, you know I would, but it’s not the simple.” She said. I looked up.
“I don’t need a perfect life. I just need a stable one. This is definitely not stable. This is a roller coaster with no seat belt and too many hills,” I paused. “and I want off.” I said. After the words escaped my lips, I realized just how morbid this sounded. I was comparing life to a roller coaster I didn’t want to be on. I had no will to live, no drive. But I would never think of suicide. Would I?
“Oh, Ali.” She moaned, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. “I know you’re scared, but you can’t give up.” She said. “This won’t be as bad as you think it will. It’ll get better, you’ll see. Don’t give up.” She said. I looked over at her and was surprised to see a tear slip quickly down her cheek. She wiped her cheek with the palm of her hand.
“I’m sorry.” I said. “I didn’t mean for it to sound that way.” The more I thought about it, the more I realized that even if I hadn’t wanted to say it, that was how I felt. I couldn’t change what I felt.
“But is that how you really feel?” She asked. I saw another tear roll down her face, although she tried to stop it. I nodded. I heard her let out a shaking breath. I imagined how hard it must be for her to hear that. We sat there for the next ten minutes, her trying to hide the fact that she was crying and me crouching like a statue in her arms. For once, she provided no comfort for what I was feeling. Right now, I only felt one thing…empty.