Not Soon Enough~Milly Callum

Not Soon Enough


I sat motionless on the edge of my bed, the golden box in my trembling hands. I was not angry, no was I sad. I was simply shocked. The faith that I was so sure Tod had held, had just disappeared. If not for Niki, it probably would’ve been lost forever. I look of pure terror washed over my face. If he had stopped believing, he would’ve stopped talking to me. If there was one thing I knew, it was that I could not live without Tod Belle.
Without taking my eyes off of the opposite wall, which now seemed to be the most interesting thing in the entire room, I set the golden box down on the bed side table where I kept it. I dared for a second to take my eyes off of the wall and let them rest on the engraved box, and immediately regretted ever doing so. Just the sight of the box brought tears.
I stood up and left my room, shutting the door behind me so that when I passed the room, I would not see the item that had caused so much pain. My plan did not work, of course. Every time I consented to close my eyes, think it was safe, I was only invaded by mental images and memories. Tod getting sick and not eating. Ali suddenly losing hope. Lisa putting up a wall around her emotions. Cassy wanting to understand, but unable to.
My heart ached. I wished so much that I could help them. That I could be there for them in any way possible, but again, we were separate. I couldn’t even come near them. It had been so easy to help them on earth. I had been put on the earth to help people; it came naturally. Why did this stop so suddenly when I entered the kingdom of heaven? Was it not God’s will that we help one another?
I entered the sanctuary and sat down on one of the pews in the back row. I could not bring myself to sit where I had before we left the church. That one spot held too many memories. Lindsay had always sat on my left side, Tod on my right. We would listen to the sermon, occasionally passing notes saying things like, “my dog caught a squirrel the other day!” or, “do you have any food? I’m hungry.”
There was nothing to jolt me back to reality, though I return anyways. I found myself wishing I still had one of the notes Tod and I had passed during those Sunday mornings, even if only to remember his handwriting.
I sighed. No amount of handwriting remembrance or note passing would bring us together again. “Not soon enough, anyway.” I muttered to myself.
“If he were to show up at this mansion this very second, it would not be soon enough.” I reminded myself out loud. I missed him too much.