No Matter What
The alarm clock blared beside my bed, and I groaned. When I caught sight of the clock, I sat up strait in bed. I was so late. I jumped out of bed and grabbed my jeans. I could here the TV on outside, which meant my mom was up already.
“Why didn’t you wake me up, Mom?” I screamed into the living room. She was supposed to wake me up in time for me to get to Sunday school.
“You’re father’s not gonna be home to take you, so I thought I’d let you sleep in.” She yelled back. I sighed heavily.
“I’ll get a ride, then” I said loudly. I picked up the phone off of my desk in my room. I dialed Niki’s phone number as quickly as I could, all the while praying that she had not already left.
“Hello.” She said. She didn’t say it as a question, so she must have read the caller ID.
“Hi Niki. Have you already left for church?” I asked.
“You need a ride?” She asked knowingly.
“Yes.” I said, ashamed. I was always asking for rides from her at the last minute.
“Sure.” She said. “We haven’t left yet, so we can pick you up in about three minutes, okay.” Niki was so understanding. I didn’t know what I’d do without her.
“Thanks. I’ll be ready when you get here.” I hung up the phone and grabbed a pink shirt. The neckline came down just below my silver, heart-shaped locket. The only picture in it was a picture of Milly sitting at her desk and writing. A piece of her curly, dark brown hair had escaped from her ponytail, and was hanging down, framing the side of her face. She was smiling and her blue-grey eyes contrasted with her light brown shirt like rain falling on sand.
I closed the locket and pulled the shirt of over my head. It fit me perfectly, despite the fact that I’d had it for a year now. I went outside on the front porch to wait for Niki to pull in the driveway. I didn’t stand in the driveway for long before I saw her yellow Lamborghini turn into my subdivision. I climbed in the passenger’s side door, and pulled my seatbelt across my chest.
The ride there was pretty much silent. We didn’t really have anything to say, and the five minute ride to the church didn’t give us much time to think of something. I didn’t mind the silence, and Niki didn’t seem to be bothered by it, but it did make me feel slightly lonely, as though I was riding in the car alone.
When we pulled in the church parking lot, only about three cars were there already. She locked the car and we went in the back door of the church to our class. I would say that the class was boring, but I wasn’t paying attention enough to notice whether it was or not. I had tried to keep my mind focused, I really had, but it kept wanting to wander off without my permission. Finally I just gave into the fact that I was not going to remember any of this next Sunday anyway, so I just gave up trying.
When we finally got out of class, we climbed the stairs and I stayed close to Niki the whole time. I didn’t know why I was following her around like a lost puppy, but it made me feel safer for some reason. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stay with her the whole church service seeing as I was signed up to help with Jr. church that Sunday. After the pastor had given the younger kids their “mini-sermon”, I got up to go to the back room. When I got to the narthex, Nicole was standing in the hall, helping the younger ones form a line. I looked at her. She could be just what I had asked for.
“I’ll take over for you if you want me to. You look tired. You don’t wanna deal with a bunch of kids today.” She had read my mind.
“Thanks.” It was all I had the strength to say. I literally felt as though my ankles would soon no longer hold up my weight. I walked over to the water fountain and got a cup of water, hoping to get rid of the lump in my throat. I took a sip and started sputtering and coughing when the liquid went down my windpipe. After being able to completely stop coughing, I went to sit on the couch.
My stomach growled. I had had no time to stop and eat breakfast when I woke up. I closed my eyes and tried to force my legs to strengthen, but to no avail. When I opened my eyes, Alex was standing over me. I almost bolted strait up and knocked Alex in the head, but my stomach was too weak for me to sit up, let alone with any kind of force.
“What’s wrong?” She asked. Alex was the kind of person that was genuinely worried about you, but she didn’t know how to help much.
“Nothing.” I said. “I’m just tired.” It wasn’t really a lie. I was tired, and I was sure there was nothing medically wrong with me. I guess she saw it as a whole lie, because she didn’t give up.
“There is too something wrong. What is it?” She looked sincere enough, but I just didn’t want to talk to anyone right now.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” I said. Again, it wasn’t really a whole lie. I really had no clue what was specifically wrong with me. I just knew I had issues.
“We probably need to get back in the sanctuary before we get in trouble.” I just nodded and let her help me up. My left ankle gave out, just slightly, and I was thankful that she had already turned and so missed my stumble. I followed her into the sanctuary, and took my seat beside Niki again. Niki didn’t ask any questions about my return as I had anticipated.
I tried to keep my mind focused on the pastor, but I only caught bits and pieces of the service. My mind was elsewhere.
“The body of Christ loves one another.” I heard. If only. I thought. “This means unconditional love. The bible says, ‘love each other as Christ loved you.’ The bible also says this, ‘love has no greater man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.’ So if you put that together we get that we’re supposed to love like God loves, and God is the greatest love.” He paused. “We have to strive to show the greatest love, no matter what.”
He continued, “Have you ever been around someone who just, you could be in the worst mood ever, and they just stuck with you? That’s the kind of love we have to show, people.” I tuned him out. My mind wandered to Milly. She had always been there for people when she was alive. It didn’t matter if you were yelling at her, or crying on her shoulder, or happy as you could possibly be. She stuck with you, no matter what. I felt myself shaking and I was sitting so close to Niki that our arms touched. She leaned over to me and whispered in my ear.
“Are you okay?” She asked. I trusted her enough. I tried to whisper a response, but I couldn’t. I shook my head no and tried to blink away the tears clinging to my eyelashes. The refused to move anywhere but down, and I soon felt them roll down my face despite my efforts to hide them. I could not cry in front of the whole congregation. I tried my best to keep my composure as I sat in the pew shaking. I felt Niki’s arm brush against mine, and she laid her hand on my knee. When I glanced over at her, she had her head bowed, and she was whispering something that I could not make out. I didn’t need to know what she was saying to know who she was talking to.
I sat in the pew for what seemed like hours and hours, and Niki’s hand stayed on my knee. I leaned against her and rested my head on her shoulder and wept. I could not believe I was crying in church. I was supposed to be listening to the sermon, but once again, my mind decided otherwise. I could not see for the tears in my eyes, and my ears did not attempt to pick up even the smallest bits and pieces of the sermon. I only had one part of my body that seemed to be working correctly, and that was my memory. I could remember every detail of every time Milly and I had been together. This only brought more tears. It was all I could do to keep myself from screaming at the top of my lungs. I wanted her back, but there was nothing I could do.
I finally got enough strength behind my voice to faintly whisper an explanation for my hysterics. It was only five words, but it would have to suffice.
“I miss her so much.”
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